Negative DIL

[Dinkiedoo]

Our DIL is so negative about everything.
We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.
What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.
I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

Hmm. It’s hard to say without dil’s side of the story.

For example my pil had full time free childcare from my DH’s paternal granny and grandpa, and the grandparents also paid for their house deposit.

When my DH, brother or cousins mention how tough the salaries and housing market is, defensibly without anyone even saying they had it easier they bleat on and on about how hard they worked. Well we do too, but when we are pissing up the walls large amounts of money on rent and childcare it’s going to be much harder to get a buy a house than if you are gifted a deposit and childcare. (Not even factoring in the changes in the housing market and salaries)

Of course it’s harder for millennial vs Boomers.

In terms of toys, child are tat magnets, everyone buys them crap. Your dil is probably trying to encourage you not to waste money on things that will not be used/donated or take up space in their house.

None sound terrible tbh. Life is VERY hard for our generation and she is probably pissed off and frustrated, not with you personally but the way things have turned out for our generation. I really worry about how hard it is going to be for my daughter’s generation, it’s turned to shit just in one short generation. My mother bought her first home at 21, had free university and has an amazing private pension + state pension on top.

have you ever tried empathising with her about it?

Maybe it's the DIL who asks for the help and is there at pick up and drop off.

When I look after my DGD, it's her dad, my son in law, who usually does the drop off and pick up. He always thanks me and is really appreciative. If he was brusque and transactional, I'd be a bit miffed, too.

I agree, whoever does the handing over should be doing the thanking. Even if the GP have asked to see the kids, you still thank them for looking after them. It's nice that GP want to be involved and you should let them know it's appreciated.

@Dinkiedoo Be prepared. In-Laws are automatically in the wrong on here. Think very carefully about whether there is anything you should change. Ask your son for his input. And carry on being pleasant to your dil while concentrating on your relationship with the grandchildren.

It must be very difficult to be in this position and it's great you are seeking to improve things by thinking about the situation and inviting opinions. Completely agree I would like to know where your son is in this. I have noticed some MILs on here tend to struggle with being the grandmother and not the mother to their DGC and their DS remains innocent and blameless in their eyes. Why not spend some time actually getting to know your DIL and understanding her views and parenting approach with an open mind. She might be defensive at first but it could strengthen your relationship which will be good for everyone.
You can choose one of two paths on this one. The wrong one will be a lifetime of friction and stress and the right one will be great relationships with your son's family.

As others have said, more detail needed really.

How often do you baby sit? If you are around a lot, that makes it more important that you are following the methods the parents want to use. My mum regularly has mine and always gives them good that I have suggested and asks me what I want to do about naps. When DFIL visits we deviate more because he sees them less often.

Saying thank you I would expect to be done by your son if he is at handover - is he? My DH always takes the lead in discussion with his family, as I do with mine. I think that's pretty standard. However if he isn't there I obvious thank on behalf of both of us.

What was your relationship like with her prior to D.C.?

It's very hard to tell from your examples what the problem is. I think instructions for babysitting is actualyl fine - especially if the children are really young and your DS and DIL have preferred routines or processes.

Gifts... that can go either way. I think a lot of the time well-meaning gifts from grandparents, especially in laws, are rejected in a manner that's unnecsesary. My approach is to comeon here to laugh about it eg the time most recently where MIL bought the kids GOLD TEASPOONS. However, it can also be very frustrating when gransparents are lbuying large or excessive gifts or things that aren't appropriate. I don't care personally, but for example I know a lot of people don't want pretend weapons and get very annoyed with toy guns/crossbows/swords etc.

It doesn't really matter if your DIL doesn't thank you effusively, as long as between her and your DS you are being thanked. Are you?

As for generational stuff - that really depends. Are you constantly Tsking because she isn't weaning the baby at 3 months? In which case YABU. On the other hand, if you say something like, "Ooh, I remember the way we used to just hold our babies on our laps in the car, hahaha, crazy" and she's getting all huffy and acting like you are about to do this, then YANBU.

I’m lucky to have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. We’re very different but it’s based hugely on mutual respect.

I know she finds me overbearing and micromanaging sometimes - but she sucks it up and I know that, whatever she thinks, she respects DH and I too much to contradict us.

we have had an issue with her getting endless plastic tat + sweets - but have got round this by reminding her that tat and sweets get forgotten very quickly - but quality time with DC doesn’t. They genuinely value a trip to the park and a hot chocolate treat so much more than random toys. We agree toys in advance so I know she’s getting stuff the children really want (and I give her first pick of the Christmas list so she can give the gift she wants from it)

but realistically - most of our good relationship is down to her. when I was in the grips of post partum anxiety she gave me SO much grace. I was pretty ungrateful and irritable and isolating. I was basically a dick. I am so so grateful that she was calm + wise enough to have faith it would pass.

I would probably…

1. check gifts in advance - maybe with your son
2. proactively ask what the schedule should be if you’re baby sitting
3. model gratitude by thanking them for trusting you / saying thanks for a lovely time to DGC etc

Maybe she’s just a prat, but even if she is, killing her with kindness is the way to maintain positive relationships with your DGC

I think OP that you will get responses that side mainly with your DiL as people will be doing a lot of projecting about their own MiLs. Also there is an unfortunate culture on here where mums somehow go from right by default to wrong by default the day their son gets married.

I'm a MiL and I can only tell you my experience. Which is that my DiL wouldn't dream of telling me how to look after her child, she trusts me and if she didn't she'd presumably not allow me to do childcare. Nor would she dictate to me what I could buy for the children. She likes that I treat them and sees the good relationship they have with me as positive. For my part, I respect her and will always check with her about anything specific she doesn't want me to do or buy. We are not snide with each other. If I put my foot in it and say the wrong thing she will roll her eyes and we'll laugh and she'll threaten to start a thread on here about me. To me that's normal behaviour for a family, not the constant need to pussy foot around each other, and I'm sorry that's your experience.

Based on your post, I would suspect marital problems between your DS and DIL and she may well be an ex-DIL soon. Ime women can put up with a lot from their PIL with a good grace as long as they feel happy and supported in their marriage so no need to snipe. The sniping starts when the relationship is on the rocks and partners are no longer willing to tolerate each other's family because they love and care about each other.

Our DIL is so negative about everything

Where is your son in all this?

We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.

Are you filling their home up with crap, or clothes that they won't put them in as your style not theirs, or toys that are too old/young/take up space/they don't need more of. You might have the best intentions, but stop buying things unless you ask first and/or get suggestions.

What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.

Examples? Some people do come across as negative generally, do you think it is only reserved for you?

When we look after the kids we are told what to do.

Why type of things? I would tell my own mum what to do when she had dc - when his naps times were as he was a demon when he got home if he was out of routine, don't fill him up with crap as he'd feel ill later, no fizzy juice as he is only 3 etc. If anyone is a regular presence in a child's life it makes sense there is consistency.

Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.

Same as before, stop buying stuff they (the parents) don't want.

I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

You have two ears and one mouth. Might be worth listening and working out where you are going wrong.

Ironically your post is just negative without any substance to what the actual issues are.

Gosh that’s a big assumption from the information shared here. Happily married people can find their inlaws difficult and vice versa.

Both son and dil the same really. He says thankyou more often than not.
We don't buy kids crap. We buy practical stuff that they say they would like but can't afford.
They own a lovely house but having kids is tough on anyone financially.
She's more snappy with hubby ...he just bites his tongue.

There's a lot going on under the surface, all does not sound well behind closed doors. That is probably a reason why she is snappy, he bites his tongue but that's not always a good thing either. Resentment can build up over time.

Snappy with your husband or your son?

Snappy wirh my hubby

Can you give one for example please?

what was the gift or what was it that you said? What was the response?

Where does your son feature in this?

They usually bother to hide it though out of consideration for their partner.

When the gloves come off, it's usually a reflection of being pissed off with their partner as well.

Sit them both down and calmly and kindly ask them if you and your hubby have upset them somehow. Explain you've noticed a bit of an atmosphere towards you and hubby and you'd rather know if you've done something untoward. Make sure you don't sound accusing, just curious and in the spirit of hoping to put things right!

I suspect there's something going on between the two of them, you will probably be able to work that out from their reaction to you.

Is there a bigger financial issue here?
for example, if they’re really struggling financially, it may rankle if you buy them small gifts but haven’t offered financial support IF you could easily afford to. Not saying you should have to, of course, but I’ve been in a similar situation and it was very annoying.

Again, more examples of specifics would be helpful to understand how to approach this.

On the gifts, I'm confused, there's something they wanted and couldn't afford. So you bought it. But then they said actually the children wouldn't like it after all?

I would always thank grandparents for presents and for babysitting, that’s just manners. But moving forward I would check with dil before buying anything in the future.
I would take note of how they want things done and comply even if I secretly didn’t agree.
Regarding generational gripes try to ignore.
I think back to generations that didn’t have washing machines, dishwashers, freezers, etc now that must have been hard.
Have you always had a strained relationship with DIL?

I am more interested in the views you express she doesn't like. Frankly if you or your husband are spouting any form of bigotry, ardent Farage/Trump supporters, saying things like Andrew Tate and Tommy Robinson are top blokes and Brexiteers I can see her point. If this is the type of stuff you spout in her or your grandkids' presence I suggest you just hold off giving these types of opinions in her presence

Maybe they talked about getting eg. a highchair and have specific one in mind and then MIL buys one that just isn't their taste. There is buying exactly what they want and buying a thing they want but it not being to their taste and suiting their home. If they need a highchair and you want to buy it for them buy the one they want not the one You Want. That type of thing.