Negative DIL

[Dinkiedoo]

Our DIL is so negative about everything.
We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.
What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.
I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

When you say a certain name you mean a racist term that was already considered offensive decades ago, don't you? If you're going to use racist terms then expect to be called racist. It's not generational, it's racist. Be racist if you must, but own it.

I’m assuming a racist one!

Tread a bit carefully, I’ve seen situations where a person has picked small fights with people as a way of isolating their partner without making it look obvious

OK so THEY are taking the piss. You buy them exactly the model they want and they want to change the cat seat because of the colour ! Your son was the on asking you so why is it the dil's fault? You should tell them that next time they ask for something tell them that you rather not because you might get it wrong since they are so precious about details like colours etc. I would be harder on my son in your place, it's your son so you should be able to tell him off if he's ungrateful. It seems Dil gets all your anger for their joint behaviour and that's not fair.

Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.

I originally thought this comment was about parenting practices although now I'm wondering if it's more political and why the DIL can't warm to you?

What age are you? Unless you're 80 it's not generational, it's ignorant.

The lack of detail is quite telling here tbh.

I would never buy something like a car seat in a different colour without checking with the recipient.

The restaurant thing sounds like you were being racist tbh.

Have you other examples, because so far, yabu.

Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things

You mean your political views, I'm sure, even though you say you're not interested in politics.

Do they perhaps think you're racist, homophobic bigots?

Have you said something opposing baby-led weaning?

Have you commented on the division of household chores?

The things they eat?

You need to give specific examples.

Try giving an envelope with a small amount of cash to contribute to their special purchases in future.

You won't have the bother of going to the shops and S and DIL will not really be able to say anything but..Thanks.

Small gifts directly for the kids could be a piece of fruit or a pencil.

Give her what she wants, back off, don't be available for babysitting, no little gifts for your grandchildren if they're not good enough, save your money for yourself, especially to replace the WFA you may have lost!

Is that sarcastic?

I don't accept presents from racists either.

If you were my in-laws you wouldn't be setting foot in the same building as my children, let alone anything else. You should be extremely grateful they let you spend time with them, many wouldn't.

Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
More info, please? If you mean you’re expressing views and she’s disagreeing with them, that’s her right, is it not?
It is indeed her right, as it's the OH's right to express her opinion on the DIL's generation and I would bet good money that the DIL would be up on her hind legs screeching.

Aye giving a racist name (if it’s what I think it is) to a ‘foreign restaurant’ is bigoted. Maybe don’t do that anymore

The colour of the car seat shouldnt have mattered. Assuming it was the same make and model who cares, it's being bought for them so they should have been grateful for it. Yanbu there.

But yabvvvvu to use the racist term for the Chinese restaurant. Do you not know any Chinese people? And would you call them that word or use it in front of them? You know you wouldn't. Don't use it around the grandkids either, no wonder your DIL is on edge around you!

Ignore her and focus on the kids .

Hi OP.

I'd back off. They will soon come sniffing when they need a sitter and make sure you are busy

I always find it interesting that in these types of thread the DIL is always painted as the evil villain while the son lies blameless. Your grandchild is your son's grandchild as well and why is every gripe you state just mention your DIL? "My DIL doesn't thank me, my DIL doesn't accept the gifts I buy my GC, my DIL this my DIL that." Well where is your son in all of this? Ultimately if he is your child isn't he the one with the responsibility to you? I mean this board talks about all the time how the DIL shouldn't expect to barely be given any family priority in the life of her MIL yet in threads when family issues especially involving GC pop up the DIL is always the first to blame. To me it lies in deep rooted misogyny blame the woman of course for everything.

You don't have to answer this question OP but I am curious if your son turned down your the exact same gifts to your GC that your DIL turns down would you respect his wishes more because it came from your son or are you only griping about it based on principle of it being your DIL that turned it down? Again you don't have to answer this just some food for thought. If the answer in your head is yes I would respect his wishes more you need to deeply reflect on why you would respect your son' wishes and not take offense but if your DIL says the same exact thing all of a sudden it's a problem. Isn't it both of their children? So shouldn't the wishes of both parents be equally respected when it comes to their children?

But we have been accused of being bigoted when giving certain name to a foreign restaurant! Maybe generational

You are still young enough to understand what was acceptable when you were younger is considered as racist now, upsets people, and stop using it. "generational" is a pathetic and inflammatory excuse and a strong indicator why your DIL finds you difficult about other things.

It sounds like you both need to work on the relationship - and respect one another's views (or don't make comments about things where there is likely to be disagreement.)
The car seat reminds me of a relative who had just bought first house and needed lots of stuff. Her MIL offered to buy a fridge freezer which was amazing but then next day, said it was being delivered. Relative had her heart set on one in silver not white and with a drinks dispenser. Said to us she'd rather have paid on terms to get the one she wanted nd I guess she may have looked upset when it arrived. But she didn't want to upset MIL so graciously accepted. But it's so much nicer to check with people if a different make/colour etc is important to them to avoid upset? Or say you are happy to buy a car seat but your max spend is £xx and give them the cash to choose the one they want. If it's more expensive, it's their choice whether to put cash to your generous gift or go with a lower price one. Main thing is that's leaving the decision to them. I'm sure when you got your own home, you had different tastes to your parents.

Great advice ignore the mother of your GC. Since when did the grandparent's wishes for their grandchild trump their own mother's wishes for their own child. MIL had their time to raise their own children in the way they wanted and gifts and what not let DIL have her time with her child.

That's so odd to me that people would think anyone is required to keep something for their own child just because someone else gives it to them. Doesn't parent trump?

Also this seems like a case of just because the DIL stated it and not the son it's automatically wrong because the wishes came out of the DIL's mouth. I wonder if the exact same verbiage came from the son if people would be piling on the son the same way they are the DIL.

Or hey if this was the daughter's child rather than the DIL's child if the would say the daughter is wrong.

I’d answer back sometimes. When she pulls a face or snaps I’d say ‘Are you ok Amy? You don’t look very happy. We were trying to help by buying you a £90 car seat. Sorry if it’s in the wrong colour.’

Next time she moans about your generation say ‘Don’t worry Amy, you’ll do alright out of our generation when we pop our clogs.

She sounds like an ungrateful bitch tbh.

What do you mean by even her son is no longer her business? And in a way he isn't. Her son is a grown man and her son is more someone's husband and father than he is OP's son. When I think of someone I think of them as someone's spouse first and foremost. Her son and the inner happenings of her marriage isn't her business.

Nice ignoring of the racism there. If I were the DIL, I'd be avoiding these grandparents.