DH: don't ever, ever, ever ask me that again.

[Limemouse]

If my DH doesn't pick up when I phone will always ask him, 'why didn't you pick up,' when he answers the second time or when he phones me back.
I admit I will always ask him and will always reply with either I didn't hear or I was busy.

Last week I asked him the same question and he told me I was annoying him with such infantile questions and it was better I never phone him again if I was going to ask that question again

i think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

Sounds more like the OP is controlling if the first question always is 'why didn't you pick up?'

Even if he is up to no good you can't stop anyone from having an affair by constantly calling them. I go away on solo holidays as does DH. We could easily have affairs.

are there trust issues in the relationship? If not, that’s annoying as hell. If yes, then you have bigger worries - to either deal with your mistrust yourself or deal with whatever he’s doing that might be giving you reason to be suspicious/is the relationship viable. You haven’t provided enough info there for an opinion to be formed.

Why do you expect him to answer immediately every time? Does he not work or simply do things?

He's not sat there just waiting for you to call.

It's not always possible to answer immediately and I don't see why you have to ask every time.

I'm surprised he's not on here asking if you're being unreasonable tbh, I can't work out what he's done wrong!

It’s not a standard question at all, at best it’s annoying, at worst it’s intrusive and controlling.

YABU.
It's pretty obvious why he doesn't pick up every time and there's no need to ask him.
He's busy or he didn't hear the phone.

Is he working? Are you phoning when he's at work? In the car? At the gym?
And what are you phoning about? Something urgent or just general chit chat?

In any case, phones are an absolute pain in the arse. It's so disruptive having to stop whatever you are doing to talk to someone who might be on the phone for 2 minutes or 20 minutes (and difficult to end the conversation sometimes).
I used to pick it up everytime it rang but I don't stop what I am doing these days to answer. I'll message the person later or phone them back.

I think phone etiquette has changed completely and most people (not all) send a quick WhatsApp or text if it's a quick question or message to arrange a time to chat if it's going to be a longer conversation.

Just stop asking him why he didn't pick up and maybe stop phoning him if it's not essential.

Yep that would drive me insane too. None of your business why he didn't respond immediately to your call. I often don't answer my dhs calls because I am taking a break, going for a walk, having my lunch and don't need the interruption which is likely to be chore related. I will call back when I am ready. thankfully he never questions me and has often forgotten why he called in the first place

It would drive me up the wall - he didn’t answer because he couldn’t. He’s not required to drop what he is doing the second you summon him by phone!

I always text mine and if I need to actually talk to him during his work day I also text to check if he can speak and agree a time/he calls me back. If I ever call him unwarned he knows it’s an emergency and answers straight away.

Needy and controlling behaviour

Yes, absolutely. My curiosity isn't framed in the sense that the other person must answer straight away - though I tend to think that if it isn't urgent there's no need to phone anyway.

But if you don't ask you don't know whether there's a regular 09:40 meeting.

I don't think that asking is an imposition. The imposition would be if the follow-up to the answer was something like, "well that's not a good reason, you should have answered the phone."

Hello. One thing to think about is why do you always ask that question? Does it matter why he didn’t answer the phone? If he’s not with you then he must be working, out socialising, running errands i.e. doing something. To ask that all the time sounds like making him account to you for his actions and whereabouts all the time. The implication is why didn’t my call take priority to whatever you were doing.That might not be what you mean but I can see how it might come across that way. Do other people, including him, always ask you this question when you don’t answer phone immediately? I suspect not which goes back to my original point of why do you always ask that question. I hope this helps. Best wishes.

I'm another who sides with the DH on this one. If my DH asked me why I didn't answer him every single time I would feel like I was being monitored and told off.

Obviously if there was something important happening and DH had asked me to make sure I am contactable, then I would understand why he would ask if I didn't answer. However elsewise, it's obviously it wasn't a good moment to take a call or I was away from the phone.

As a rule, if me or DH misses the other one's call, when we call back we might say, "oh sorry I missed your call - was in the ktichen" or whatever. But I honestly can't thik of a single situation in which either one of us would demand to know why the other one had missed a call. The obvious assumption is that it's because they didn' thear the phone or were busy.

I mean, as DH goes through phases of having his phone permanently on silent in a bag, I can get irritated if he doesn't answer for hours when I need to talk to him, but I don't need to ask him WHY he's not answering. I know - it's because his phone is on silent and in his bag!!!

I would not like this one bit.

Sorry OP, YABU.

Also OP if you have kids wait until they are teenagers because they NEVER EVER answer their phone

Oh, to add, I have a friend who has the loudest ring tone in the WORLD. The reason? Her DH absolutely cannot bear it if she doesn't answer and his anxiety goes through the roof and he completely freaks out. I think it's RIDICULOUS that she can't miss a call from him without this but.... [shrug]

I suppose there are only a few answers to that question so what would you be expecting him to say? I could understand if you have an agreement that voice calls are for emergencies or something like that, but if not, then it's a bit like asking why someone didn't respond to a WhatsApp immediately. Presumably it's because it wasn't convenient for him to pick up?

I agree phoning him wouldn't stop him having an affair.
My main point was how quickly everyone is jumping to condemn the OP and sympathise with her DH.
I feel if she is phoning from a place of concern then she at least deserves to be heard sympathetically.

YABU and bloody annoying.

isnt it obvious that someone doesn’t answer a call because they’re preoccupied with something else? Why question him?

Wow, I have never in my life asked someone why they didn’t pick up. I also don’t remember ever being asked this by my husband.
Should this happen, the correct answer is always ‘I was taking a shit’. Again and again and again.

Mobile phone calls can be annoying and intrusive.

Especially if you are focussed on one thing, only to be phoned up to ask something trivial, or that could be answered by text. A lot of the time people work in jobs where they may have their hands full. And answering the phone is not always their highest priority.

We survived for years without mobile phones. It really isn't necessary to ring people up from the supermarket to ask whether you should get the 500g or 750g pack of frozen peas.

IMO phone calls should be reserved for when they are really needed, when something has to be organised quickly.

If someone expresses an annoyance at being continually phoned, then you should respect that and maybe just text them instead. Texts are far less intrusive because they can be viewed and answered at the recipients leisure.

That's the main annoying thing about mobile phones. Everyone thinks everyone else has them glued to them. And should reply/answer right away !
Stop asking him 😒

I've voted YABU, although I strongly suspect this is a reverse.

Whichever way though, it is controlling behaviour.

My mum asks me this question all the time and it DRIVES ME MAD!

"Why didn't you pick up?"

Because I was busy! Because I don't have have my phone in my hand every second of every day. Maybe I put it on silent and forgot to switch it back. Maybe I was in the loo. Maybe I was cooking. Maybe I didn't hear it ring over the traffic. Maybe I left it upstairs and didn't realise.

The question is infuriating because 1. the answer is usually so minor and piddly that it's barely even worth my time opening my mouth to form the words, and 2. it smacks of micromanaging my life by insisting on either being able to contact me instantly every moment of the day, or else insisting I account for even 2 or 3 minute's absence from her reach. It really is annoying.

MaggieBsBoat brilliant response 🤣🤣🤣