To think some people try really hard to appear 'chaotic' ?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Sounds nuts but I swear this is a thing around my area.

Examples include making a big deal about how late/disheveled their kid is at pre school (when they are 4 mins past start time and the kid looks fine).

Saying how they never clean their house, don't have time for housework etc but the house always seems clean and tidy.

Trying to appear disorganised with things like school tours (all our kids will start school next year) and booking events, yet we always see them at these things lol.

I'm naturally quite disorganised and messy but I try quite hard to disguise this, despite always feeling like the flustered flappy mum. Luckily my DH is Mr Organised so as a family we don't miss out but I just find it so odd how many people seem to almost 'gloat' that their lives are chaotic when they totally aren't?! Am I mad?!

Competitive business. I remember a school mum friend....she was always "busy". She didn't work, had 2 teenage children who walked themselves to school and back, her husband worked away, she had no family nearby and no family issues that might have taken up her time, no animals or hobbies, had cleaners in every week (these were the days when you could see when someone was paying candy crush on FB 😝) I remember trying to arrange a get together for lunch early December one year and she couldn't make any of the dates we put out there as was too busy. I couldn't fathom what one earth she was busy with and yes it might have been that she didn't want to see us but I almost thought she was trying to compete as everyone else in the group genuinely did have busy lives with working full time, family pressures, animals, multiple children, children with additional needs etc.

Was really odd

@QuintessentialDragon

What's the point in pretending to be/look 'effortless' if anyone not completely brain dead can see that it's anything but.

I don’t think it’s about pretending to be effortless. I think if you have worked hard at something it’s totally fair to own that. As you say it’s ridiculous to spend all day working on something and then claim it was an accident.

I just think being smug about being a good organiser is, well, boring. If someone is smug about being a concert level pianist or a world class mathematician or a marathon runner then I will take that. Being a professional spreadsheet botherer who is good at being the first person to book annual leave and get their kids to top of the list at tennis camp is just not interesting enough to be an arse to other people about.

Thanks, I genuinely had missed the clocks this weekend!

I think they are doing it out of insecurity. My family was pretty disorganised so I didn’t learn these skills at home and I still find organising things daunting and a bit frightening for want of a better word.

I think this is a great point, and easily missed by people from organised families. My mum was completely chaotic, and her mother had mental health issues (hoarder, filthy disorganised house). I never learned how to clean, cook and manage a house from her, no organisation skills at all. When my DC started nursery I had one really low day where everything was on top of me, and I posted on MN, something like "why am I such a shit and scatty mum". Honestly it was transformative. The kind women on here gave me all these tips and suggestions for how to be organised, and I use these tips almost every single day. It changed my life. One MN thread! But it was so transformative for me precisely because these things that were obvious to others had never been taught to me, and I didn't know what I was missing to even begin to search for it myself.

I'd forgotten until I read this. I would not have let it slip by me on Saturday night though.
I did turn up an hour early (is that right?) for running club in my first year at Uni though. That was probably about the time I gave up with uni running club to be fair due to other interests...ahem

but life is definitely harder

if they're actually saying this out loud (and it's not obviously true- eg they have children with SEN or are a single parent where you aren't) then I would agree.

But if you're just reading into it- you could just as easily read into it "but you clearly manage your time better than I do" and it may very well be that's what they're intending to imply.

Obviously I can't change your mind. I just think there's a lot of mutual suspicion about everyone's actions and intentions. And we don't have to buy into it. And our own lives are better for not doing so.

What were the three most useful tips? I’m now fascinated…

Oh yes there is a school mum I can think of who does this. Always gets her child into school at the very last minute whilst loud parenting along the way "oh look we made it just in time, that's VERY unusual for us isn't it" etc, etc. Always giving off the message of "I'm far too busy and important to be able to do menial tasks like the school run". Her child is never actually late and she has time to be on the fucking PTA and go to every meeting 🙄

Without getting to philosophical, I do wonder if this ‘loveable’ chaos image is a result of the fiction we read and the unreal lifestyles portrayed on TV?

I’m just rereading Riders by Jilly Cooper. Don’t ask - I just needed a bit of escapism and light entertainment! The characters all live in very grand but unkempt stately piles with dogs, newspapers, empty wine bottles, washing up in the sink, unmade beds and general disorganisation, but they all have incredibly entertaining lives, are hugely successful in what they do and have housekeepers to sort out the mess, whereas in the real world, most of us don’t! It’s all a bit of fantasy and escapism but there’s always those that want to create the illusion they’re also in the same group; they’ve got far more important things to do than menial tasks like tidying and putting the dishwasher on.

I think life is quite full on for some people and it’s a constant battle to spin all the plates. I generally have my life together but not everyone can manage that with the same level of precision and it only takes a small inconvenience to unravel it all.

I know some Mums who’s family life look like an absolute mess, always late, their kids disshevelled. Them more so, I don’t think it’s an act. I just think they lack the skills and self discipline to navigate through the regimented parts of life and parenting - hence why they struggle with employment etc.

It’s also entirely possible that some people feel more pressured than you so that’s what they’re projecting.

I can have the same two days but my stress and so, chaos levels, can vary wildly depending on my mood and what’s on my mind.

i was at an alternative comedian show last night. Being old and a bit out of touch put on trousers and a coat, as going to the theatre, …… blooming heck ,I’d have been overdressed in my gardening togs. Will perfect my ‘just rolled out of bed and grabbed anything’ outfit for the next time.

Yes, bit like the next door neighbour in outnumbered when Sue's children are screaming at each other and refusing to get in the car. The neighbour's children march out of the door looking immaculate and cheery and the mum is saying her dc are just the same as Sue's children.

No one was being ‘chaotic’, though, you just got the dress code wrong.

Well -looked chaotic.

I was going to say the exact same thing at school. It was a top girls' grammar, when i really hadn't done much revision, i didn't do well, the others who 'didn't either' got top marks. Or maybe i was just dumb?

No, they just weren’t dressed ‘for the theatre’ as you interpreted it. Dress codes for the same theatre will depend on what’s on, whether it’s a touring opera or an alternative comedian.

@DoloresHargreeves could you share some
of the tips that you found useful, please?

I also didn't really learn this kind of thing from my mum.

My mum is quite ditzy. She generally gets everything that she needs to done, but she is very inefficient. A lot of faffing.

I think i have inherited that.

I'll see if I can find my thread, but the three I use most often is:

A book full of lists of everything. I mean, everything from shopping lists to Christmas lists to half term ideas. If anything unusual is happening in a day, I write down exactly what to do at each time in my book, literally things like 6.30 wake up. 6.45, make DC breakfast. 7.30 get uniform on DC. Etc.

Second thing is have yearly events in the calendar and carry them over each new calendar you get.

Third thing is "launch pad". Have an area in the hall that is your launchpad, when getting things ready the night before or in the morning everything does into the launch pad. Wellies, my laptop bag, water bottles, DC school bags, coats, scooters and helmets, the whole lot. Then all you need to do is go to that part of your house and see everything there ready.

Have rotas for jobs. One day that you do the washing, one day you meal plan, one day you hoover, and so on. These can all be the same day or different, you just have to have a set time each week.

@worthofbostworlds @Calliopespa here is the thread in case it's useful to anyone else, the women who commented are heroes.

It's actually very nice looking back because I can see I've come so far since I wrote this last year. I was literally crying over the impossibility of remembering to take shoes to school, and now I more or less can do this without too much trouble. A long long way to go for me still, but it's nice to see some small wins along the way.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4905914-why-am-i-such-a-shit-and-scatty-mum

Feeling rather self conscious right about now!

I was always late for nursery to the point they never cleared breakfast stuff away until after my daughter was there.
We are only half a term in but so far not been late for school but a few days we've had to run.

I'm forgetful, chaotic, I live with a long standing mental health condition but most of the time I look "normal" so you wouldn't know that I had to go and check the front door three times which meant we had to run to school. It was necessary as a few days earlier I had left the door unlocked with the keys in it. I know I'm forgetful and chaotic so I have so many things in place so nothing goes to awry. I run everywhere at the moment. I've not found my routine yet since life changed. I lose time because even when not depressed there's a cloud of depression that lingers in the first moments of the day when I'm reminded of all the days I haven't wanted to be part of. I lose time in the afternoon with more energy that I know what to do with so I use it on the unhelpful and unnecessary. I leave the house in a whirlwind. If you come over I can you hide lots with a 5 minute blitz and apologize as it's still in the pre blitz state in my head or i just set what i didn't do.

Exactly

They might seem to cope fine with life but maybe what they’re actually expressing is how stressed and overwhelmed they feel. For some people coming across as normal might be harder work than for others I guess.

I really hate the glorification of that ditzy thing. Not exactly the same, but related: I hate it on films where you see the woman rushing around, grabbing last-minute toast in the morning, her jacket falling off, things dropping out of her bag as she stumbles to the door. It’s so irritating and performative.

I hate this! It's such a specific kind of humble brag.

If it is a trend, it is a stupid one!
I think maybe they do feel stressed and worried, but do not appear so. Or their standards are too high?
I am the opposite. I do forget things, get things wrong, quite messy with housework, but I try hard to appear together and in control.
Primary school years are a constant rush!