To think some people try really hard to appear 'chaotic' ?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Sounds nuts but I swear this is a thing around my area.

Examples include making a big deal about how late/disheveled their kid is at pre school (when they are 4 mins past start time and the kid looks fine).

Saying how they never clean their house, don't have time for housework etc but the house always seems clean and tidy.

Trying to appear disorganised with things like school tours (all our kids will start school next year) and booking events, yet we always see them at these things lol.

I'm naturally quite disorganised and messy but I try quite hard to disguise this, despite always feeling like the flustered flappy mum. Luckily my DH is Mr Organised so as a family we don't miss out but I just find it so odd how many people seem to almost 'gloat' that their lives are chaotic when they totally aren't?! Am I mad?!

@AmandaPleaseDotCom yep it’s definitely a thing. My brother does it - thinks he is too cool for school is my theory. My sister is less complimentary of him. She thinks he is bone idle. Never remembers birthdays - regifts Christmas gifts without remembering it was something we bought him - lazy parenting dressed up as being ‘not authoritarian’ and ‘letting them find their own feet’. Never got any time to do anything he doesn’t want to do but very much has time to do all the things he does want to.

god how tedious would it be if you made small talk with people and they were never self depracating and just said 'oh im super on it with life'

it's just attempts to make lighthearted conversation

i think people on mumsnet sometimes forget everyone is just bumbling along doing their best and trying to get on with those around them.

I’m looking forward to all the Facebook posts at the weekend from people who had absolutely no idea the clocks go back and are Oh so dipsy and turned up at xxx at the wrong time.

Not really because constant passive aggressive comments make people feel like they're supposed to feel guilty for showing other people up or something. Any kind of achievement is made out to be a slight to the non achievers these days.

Just giving a compliment and being nice - your hair looks lovely! Or I really like your hair!

Passive aggressive - Your hair looks lovely. I wish I could do my hair nice but I just can't because I have an older child and a baby. I know you have a baby too but life is definitely harder. I could just never find 19 mins to do my hair.

The second is hard to ignore. This is a conversation I actually had at a baby weighing clinic. It made me really uncomfortable like she was offended that I'd done my hair that morning and needed to a make sure I knew I had it too good or something. She certainly was not just complimenting my abilities. It wasn't just me noticing the negativity because the midwife eventually stepped in and said you should do things for yourself. It's normal to do your hair in the morning!

This thread isnt about people just complimenting organised behaviour, it's about the performative chaotic people who are trying to make out their life is harder than everyone else's.

@waterrat

god how tedious would it be if you made small talk with people and they were never self depracating and just said 'oh im super on it with life'

Exactly. The counterfactual would be a lot of braying arseholes congratulating themselves for being successful organised.

Theres a reason a lot of these seemingly pointless social conventions exist: this is one and talking about the weather is another. They put people at ease.

Yes it may be slightly disingenuous but it makes people relax. Talking to people who are at pains to let you know they are winning at everything and never fuck up is tedious and stressful. Admitting to being a human being goes a long way.

I'm like this, and I was one of the ones at school who got top marks despite being disorganised etc beforehand.

I'm not performing or faking chaos - I try very hard to be on top of everything and organised so I don't have to feel like I'm constantly going down to the wire and cutting things fine. I mostly fail, and get into a panicky flap in my head (and as DP can attest often out loud in my own house) about it. The fact that I often pull off whatever it is I'm trying to do, or get away with what I perceive to be sloppy preparation and hurried execution, is neither here nor there - I want to be able to sail through life without getting myself in a flap!

Like PP maybe I subconsciously know that the panicky flap is what gives me the adrenaline to do things well though.

I am not doing this at anyone else, the point is that I get too in my own head about it all.

Omg, in what context does she refer to herself as a legend?

Faux humility, innit. I agree it's obnoxious.

Neither do I. I put a lot of effort into hiding it as best as I can.

Totally disagree. It's all just performative nonsense to make it seem like their life is SOOOOO busy. Especially in a work/industry setting, where everyone's like: 'Oh, it's manic at the moment, I haven't slept for a month! How are you?' My reply is always: 'Fine and dandy actually.' And I have no desire to 'present' as otherwise...

There’s an element of pretentiousness too. At a school I worked at several years ago, we had parents who routinely turned up late, causing an interruption to the start of the day calming class routine, with the excuse being they felt it was important that the family sat down every day and had a ‘proper breakfast’ each morning. It even happened on days when there were school trips and a prompt getaway was needed.

Lovely idea and great parenting - but just get up a bit earlier then rather than creating a big show. Even better, try doing it in the evening where there is less time pressure and better quality time.

The parents liked to play the ‘ditzy’ role and clearly didn’t do stress, just loaded it onto others. “Oh silly us. We forgot to pack a change of clothes. Never mind, I’m sure the school have some” “Oh we didn’t have time to prepare a packed lunch. I’m sure the school kitchen can cobble one together”

I think this is my new way of trying to manage this sort of stuff, I feel exhausted by it from one person in my life in particular. Last week I had coffee arranged with two friends and one of them was actually too busy to attend the coffee as her life is just constant busyness and we would have no idea the stress she is under...kind of wonder why she organised the coffee in that case!

I'm a scientist as well. I'm such a bloody cliché.

I don't think it's that new. I had a friend like this when our DC were younger. She'd make a big fuss about how chaotic she was and pretending that everything she did was last-minute and only just came together, even when it was obvious that what she achieved actually would have to have been planned well in advance. In her case, I think she wanted to be seen as the laid back, cool mum when actually she was anything but. Occasionally someone would question how she managed to get everything together when she had claimed to be totally unprepared etc (eg. when she was posting at 11pm the night before a dressing up day at school that she'd forgotten so her DD would have to go in whatever she could cobble together from her wardrobe then the DD went to school wearing what was clearly a newly bought character costume). She claimed to have a Guardian Angel watching out for her and/or to be so chaotic that she'd 'forgotten' she bought the costume weeks ago.

Our DC went to infant school together and the junior school they would have been moving up to got a pretty bad Ofsted report. Loads of parents were anxious about it and trying to look around other schools/apply for a place at a different school. 'Chaotic mum' brushed it off as 'just one view' and said she'd leave it to her DD to decide. She claimed to have totally forgotten about the applications deadline/not looked at any other schools/just going to go with the flow etc. But amazingly when loads of other people were disappointed and considering whether to appeal their allocated school her DD got a place at the very over-subscribed school that loads of people were desperate to go to. Apparently all it took was a few phone calls and her Guardian Angel looking out for her (not researching the catchment area, deliberately moving there 6 months earlier, applying on time etc).

It takes more energy to live a life of chaos than it does to be organised.

Tbh, most of this stuff is aimed at women, and it seems like another stick to me.

Also, more women than men STILL seem to have the mental load of kids stuff/school stuff/home stuff, and I don't know where this slightly affected (if that's how its perceived) ditzy chaos thing begins or ends, but it's seemingly connected to the myriad stuff that many women tend to get stuck with.

People have been like this forever - the swan gliding along the lake with it's feet paddling like mad out of sight - but obv social media has made into something aspirational/mockable.

I honestly can't say it annoys me too much, we all do annoying shit sometimes

Oh god, couldn't disagree more. But that's a cultural difference, clearly. I'm not British. Obviously.

Can't stand the fakeness. 'Oh this old thing', 'cobbled it together at the very last minute' and the like. When a person looks great/their house is tidy/meal is delicious and clearly well cooked, etc. Just why? Who are you trying to kid? I'm a woman, I know how long does it take to achieve hairstyle like that, the 12-step 'no makeup makeup' look, the carefully draped 'Sandi architect' look and the like. No, you didn't wake up looking like that, it took you ages. I know that. So just say 'thanks' when complimented, why pretend?

I know what it takes to have a beautiful, clean and tidy house. I know it, because I do it. It doesn't just 'happen'. I'm a decent cook and if I cooked an elaborate three course meal I'm not going to pretend it took me half an hour and it's oh so basic. Because it didn't and it isn't.

Yea, there's absolutely no need to boast about anything. If I'm complimented about something, I'd just say thank you and won't launch into a tirade how organized and superior I am. I just cannot stand the fakeness. What's the point in pretending to be/look 'effortless' if anyone not completely brain dead can see that it's anything but. Own it. Whatever you do or don't do.

It's no wonder I have very few British friends (I'm perfectly ok with that before anyone starts). Ant get along much much better with the Dutch, Americans, German, Eastern Europeans..

Couldn't agree more! And I'm British!

I can't stand all the self depreciating bullshit like it's embarrassing to actually do anything well. I put a lot of effort into all areas of my life to make it nice, I'm certainly not going to act embarrassed about it.

@BalletCat @QuintessentialDragon absolutely!! My DH is from a country where they look you in the eye and say 'thank you, I worked really hard on it!' and it is so flipping refreshing! Have been trying to be more like this. It's good for the ol' self to be validated sometimes!!

Oh I dunno. I expect I'm organised with some things and chaotic with others - priorities innit. But goodness me, it seems easier to never say anything to anyone. Light conversation is such a minefield. All those people out there waiting to be triggered by silence-filling.

This is spot on.

I’m very organised, minimalist and tidy because it makes my life so much easier and takes the pressure off me. I appreciate that chaos or clutter doesn’t bother others. That’s not judging them - I actually admire those people and I really wish I could relax and ignore when a job needs doing, but I can’t. I’ve always got my clothes out at night for the next day, made packed lunches the night before and cleaned as I go, just because then I never need to dedicate a lot of time for a periodical whole house sort out.

Chaos just equals stress to me but then, we all have different priorities and I’m sure I could be considered anal too!

I really wish I could relax and ignore when a job needs doing, but I can’t

I had to teach myself to be able to do this because it wasn't healthy for me.
Doing 10 minutes a day of a visa application form got the job done and made me feel I'd accomplished something. Working my way into a pit of doom because I couldn't relax with the task hanging over me until I did it just caused me to never relax because there is always something.

I am good at "I do need to worry about this, but I am going to worry about it tomorrow" these days.

I feel like I have a very chaotic life and everything is a rush. I just can't seem to stay organised so I'm running round last minute trying to find things or leaving something until the last minute because I've forgotten. It's certainly not me pretending, I would love to be that smug super organised person, I love organisation but my brain sadly doesn't.

I'm usually very organised on the outside but rather frazzled on the inside. This week, more so than ever, but it's not always quite so bad

People wouldn't necessarily notice the internal frazzledness and I certainly don't advertise it. It's a bit like the swan analogy, smooth and calm on the surface. Paddling like a maniac under the water. It's exhausting.

This is so interesting.
Why is it English?
I do not see this type of women in other countries I've lived in.