To think "pretty privilege" can start really early?

[donniedarko89]

"Pretty privilege" is the term used to describe the unfair advantages that people who conform to society's beauty standards receive.

AIBU to think that it can start as early as the first years of primary school? I am noticing these dynamics in DD's school, with "popular cliques" already forming in Year 1. Is this just in my head?

My looks are probably going now but I didn't find it a privilege. Creepy men and bitchy women. I was shy when younger so any attention wasn't welcome and made me anxious. I had some horrible co workers who used to try and bring me down a peg or 2. I really didn't need that as I wasn't a conceited person.

My son is attractive but only 7. A boy told his mother my son had a lovely face and he's so popular.

I think at school in the popularity stakes is it more about “hot” than “pretty” (thinking of teen years). The ones that all the boys fancied in my school weren’t spectacularly beautiful, they were the first to develop and usually had highlights and lots of makeup which made them look a lot older than they were. The confidence that gave them however seemed to last.

Also agree with PP that truly beautiful people remain so. My DM was still striking when she passed away in her 60s and people would make comments to me often (even as a child!) about how attractive she was.

I think it does start early like in primary school it was always the blonde haired blue-eyed girl who would be picked to play mary in the nativity without fail. Hopefully that doesn't happen anymore!

I found my old high school yearbook recently and looking back through it I did think the most popular girls weren't actually the prettiest so by them something else is in play popularity perhaps reflects some kind of social dominance that isn't about looks but more about fitting in and controlling the conditions around fitting in. It seems like the girls who could do this were deemed prettier by people at the school but looking back ad an adult they really weren't the most attractive at all.

Looking back to my school days, it wasn't necessarily the pretty girls who were in the In Crowd. It was more to do with attitude, wearing the right clothes, confidence etc. There were plenty of pretty girls who were the opposite of cool and lacked confidence.

I have definitely benefited from this not stunning but have a good figure and pretty face - but I think it is a positive reinforcement cycle in that people (men and women) telling me I look gorgeous gives me confidence and makes me smile more (according to a friend recently) I ‘exude’ confidence. I just expect people to be nice to me because the invariably are, and so I am nice to them and so it circles.
But I do think smiling/laughing and being animated (not gushing or ‘bubbly’) and being interested in people has got me many more opportunities than just looks.
There is a very interesting book by Richard Wiseman ‘The Luck Factor’ that examines this.

@SallyWD I totally agree, also remember those FHM 100 hottest women lists from the 2000s? Often the women who made those lists and were high up were those with the most exposure in popular culture rather than the most objectively beautiful. I can't remember but I think they may even have been reader votes that determined who sat where on the list. It definitely seems about more than just looks even if that is part of it.

My 16yo in particular is very pretty, to the point where everyone comments, but it doesn't feel like a privilege to her. Barely a day goes by when she isn't beeped at from a car, or commented on by pervy adult men telling her they can't stop looking at her or that she is so beautiful and when she was waitressing it was awful for her to deal with. She has been followed and also had comments when in her school uniform from men old enough to be her dad. In addition she has had bitchy comments and low level bullying from other girls accusing her of thinking that she's 'all that' but she really doesn't. She wears no make up at all and lives in joggers and trainers yet she still gets it. If there is a plus side we have yet to.uncover it for her!

I think very attractive children can have a lasting confidence however they look as adults.

Teachers are kinder, Mary in the school play, etc. Playdate popularity, etc.

This - it’s confidence people are drawn to.

Ahh yes, the privilege of starting to get sexually harassed by grown men at 7 years old 🙄

FFS grow up.

It's not that, or not just that. The fact is attractive people (men and women) have advantages in all aspects of life. It's just a fact. People respond more positively to them in every situation, they earn more too.

No, it’s not a fact, it does not apply to everyone considered attractive, and if you want to whine about the ‘privilege’ then you have to acknowledge the bad side that comes with it.

Everyone seems so keen to paint themselves as a victim these days by pointing at others and claiming they have privilege; THAT behaviour is what’s unattractive.

This is what I think. I'm average looking so have had an average amount of attention from men. I do have two friends that are stunning and the level of attention they get blows my mind. They can go to supermarket in joggers and a hoodie and get so many comments from men. I really don't see how this is a privilege. I suppose if you like attention, it's great, but it's my idea of hell.
Another poster commented that people are always nice to her and like her because she's pretty and I'm sure that's true - but is it really that satisfying to have people like you based on something so superficial? I'm quite shy so people don't always warm to me but I love it when they get to know me and start appreciating me for who I am. My character.
Looking back at the compliments I've received in my life, I've had a few people say I'm pretty or beautiful. Ok, that's certainly nice and makes me smile but it doesn't mean much. It's the comments I've had on my personality that really stick with me. They're far more meaningful. Your personality stays with you forever and continues to develop, whereas your looks fade.

It is fact https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/11-scientific-reasons-why-attractive-people-are-more-successful-in-life

It's not something I've ever worried or complained about. I've done Ok in my life and and am happy with how things have turned out for me, but how attractive we are does make a difference to the way we get treated.

Kids this age either have pretty privilege or clever privlege. It’s really rare for a child to have both.

It's because they think the Barbie doll is going to be easy. They think the average brunette is smarter and has the measure of them . It's stereotyping .

Ahh yes, a couple of studies in America makes it fact for everyone…

Let’s play this game out then, I was pretty, I was also abused by my father at 3, so I guess you might have ‘not abused by your family’ privilege? I was raised by a single mother, so others have ‘raised in a nuclear family’ privilege. I was raised in poverty so you may have ‘not raised in poverty’ privilege. Due to that I was thin, so I guess I at least had skinny privilege, right? I had to leave home at 16 and so couldn’t go into higher education, so others have privilege there right?

Its a terrible attitude to life, I’m proud of what I’ve over come and made for myself. Very few people get dealt a perfect hand in life and there’s nothing helpful in sitting around whining about how others have it easier because of such a shallow insight into their life such as the way they look.

It’s more than looks you need charisma and charm and to be fun and powerful to be popular which usually goes hand in hand with being good looking but not always.

It’s definitely a massive advantage though there are downsides. Have one who is normal and one objectively stunning. I have definitely had some weirdness from a few mums who have dds in Dd2s year never had that vibe with normal looking dd1 adults more warmly predisposed to her than to her stunning sister. There’s a resentment there. It’s weird.

DS's teacher admitted he got away with stuff because of his pretty face.

You’re absolutely right. Speaking as a very plain primary school age child with sticking out teeth and glasses.

Agree with this too - my dc are all AuDHD and are all very good looking - I do think they have had an easier time because of their looks (although dd was welcomed in and then kicked out of the ‘popular’ group in year 7, which was a tough year for her - she has learned to find friends who suit her now thankfully).

However, it was a mixed bag for me - as an undiagnosed ADHDer who attracted a lot of attention from men I did get myself into some dodgy situations - at least I am able to learn from my experiences and protect my dd from the same kind of thing.

This was certainly the case when I was small...and I was not the 'pretty one' in my family 😢 My sister was the 'blond haired, blue eyed beauty' whilst I was the mousy haired, rather plain looking one...and boy did I know it!

It was always a point of 'observation' when out with my mum and sister...comments like 'oh they're so different aren't they?' (This was one of the kinder comments!) I was often directly asked (as the older sister), 'Are you jealous of your pretty little sister?' Just awful! 😞

My relatives (mum in particular, but also grandparents and aunts/uncles) would 'joke' that my sister was 'the pretty one' but I was 'the clever one'.

This was true...I was 'clever' (and so was my sister) but bloody hell...at 13 or 14, I really did want to be at least 'halfway decent looking' too 😢

I still carry this negative view of myself around now, aged 60...I'm 'the clever one' and my sister is 'the pretty one'. These seemingly harmless comments towards children have long term consequences unfortunately. It has affected my sister negatively too...she has always believed that she's just not clever, which is untrue, and this affected her confidence at school terribly 😢

I'm sorry, but it does.

I have a large and prominent birthmark. It looks like a wound. In fact, it's been mistaken for such a few times.

Psychologically we are wired to avoid disease because our monkey brains don't know which are contagious or not.

I'm not saying that people with congenital diseases etc CAN'T be attractive, or that they don't have value. The opposite, in fact.

But it doesn't help to deny the way we are wired to react to the signs of illness or genetic issues. It helps to understand how our brains react to them and mitigate that, rather than pretend that our brains don't react that way.

I find your comments about children's cancer wards rather crass. Ask their parents if they wanted their children beautiful or healthy.

I think I look odd. I didn't say I do. That's different.

Men are awful to attractive women; fawning over them is part of it, but there's a million other things that come with that too. I'm not focusing on those things because that isn't the point of my post. There are some men who will fawn and there are some men who will just shout filth, it depends where you are. If your lucky existence hasn't met with both of them, then good for you.

I've also has men rush to behave much the same, but also men writing full emails of sheer depravity over what they'd like to do to me, men following me, whole tables of men discussing me, male "friends" who have ended up coming onto me waxing lyrical about my beauty and thus ruining friendships. It's a double edged sword and perhaps you've never been privy to that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I don't want either the fawning or the disgusting comments - I'd prefer to just exist.