To think "pretty privilege" can start really early?

[donniedarko89]

"Pretty privilege" is the term used to describe the unfair advantages that people who conform to society's beauty standards receive.

AIBU to think that it can start as early as the first years of primary school? I am noticing these dynamics in DD's school, with "popular cliques" already forming in Year 1. Is this just in my head?

I work in Primary, and yes children make friendship groups early but don't really think looks have much to do with it.

It's more to do with personality, interests, confidence, intellligence etc. and often based on their parents friendship group too because they have grown up in the community together and see each other out of school.

Usually the children who are outgoing, bright and most mature form the most popular group and are drawn to each other because they are similar and feed off each other. Children who are shy seek out other children who are shy too as they are non threatening and have a smaller friendship circle- often just in pairs. Children who struggle with behaviour and often learning too, always seek each other out- and often spend their time either winding each other up and fighting or being silly and disruptive together. Then there's usually a nice group of very average well behaved children who get lost somewhere in the middle but form lovely friendships and do very well- some might wish they were part of the popular group and strive to be accepted but most are happy with their friends.
Often there's a cool or funny or sporty boy who everyone wants to be friends with and all the girls idolise- to be in his gang you have to be cool and know the lastest trends in music, sport and fashion.

I think it's been this way since the dawn of time.

You can be the prettiest child in the class but it doesn't get you far if you don't have the confidence or personality to match it.

IME pretty girls are often bullied because other girls are jealous

Ive never seen that tbh.

I think as a society we don't want to believe it exists but in my experience I have seen it.

Someone at work and also amongst my children.

DS is a beautiful child and has been on TV several times. About 50% of our trips to a restaurant involve him getting a free juice or dessert and attention from waiting staff on his looks. People constantly compliment him about how handsome he is. My other child receives no such comments. She is also beautiful in my eyes but not to the extent he is in the conventional sense. He gets the same treatment at school. It's not so obvious but definitely he is a subtle favourite. It's a very interesting dynamic.

Oh come on !

Define "plain" . Someone who is friendly, engaged, a good listener, empathetic and kind will always be attractive. These qualities also last a lifetime whereas conventional good looks will inevitably fade with the passage of time. Good looks just mean that someone did well in the genetics lottery, character and kindness are something else altogether.

I think what cliques are based on can vary.. there were lots of pretty girls in my school year, but the popular clique weren't especially pretty compared to other people. They had some charismatic people but the main characteristics seemed to be being loud and drinking, vaping and dating from about 13.

Am I the only one who finds it slightly ick talking about children and how attractive they are as if they’re adults?

Agree. Tbh it was very rare (when I was at school at least) for any of the less popular girls to be objectively pretty. All of the girls who fit the usual idea of 'pretty' were very popular.

But then that could also be due to following more trends, make-up, hair etc. That has a big impact on who's seen as 'pretty' in a teen environment doesn't it.

Some people are born pretty.

Some people are born rich.

Some people are born with epic brains.

Some people are born in slim bodies.

Lucky them! I don't like the term "privilege" which excuses bitterness and jealousy. Play to your own strengths let them play to theirs.

@Clippyklop I haven’t, the dc at my school who were bullied were the ones who were different in some way eg glasses, overweight, poorer, bad at sport etc and I know at my DCs school it’s similar. I’ve seen a lot of people say people are mean to them because of the way they look but like Samantha Brick they are average 🤷🏻‍♀️

My boy has both personality & looks. When he was a baby / toddler, adults would always admire him & chat to us. Now he’s in school, other children want to be his friend. It’s a thing!

I think that people's appearances change an awful lot between early primary and teens. Some very cute little kids get more ordinary looking, some slightly less traditionally 'pretty' ones really blossom and grow into their features.
People also gain their identities and more confidence as they grow up which can make them seem more confident and attractive.
Honestly I think nearly all very small kids are adorable. And hopefully don't start judging eachother on differences in appearance till they are a bit older. If at all.

But then that could also be due to following more trends, make-up, hair etc. That has a big impact on who's seen as 'pretty' in a teen environment doesn't it.

@NoahsTortoise yep, I remember there was one girl at my school who I always thought was very pretty but she was indifferent and more of a loner, never joined in etc. She was seen as a bit odd but most of us thought she was pretty.

There's some truth here too. I have totally lost my "looks" as a result of illness and medication and in all honesty it feels like a relief as much as anything. I think all the years of being sexually assaulted on nights out etc. made me want to just vanish anyway

I'm totally at peace in my body and not remotely tempted to pump toxins into my face to fend off ageing etc. I'd rather spend the money on another book or a holiday

You can have pretty privilege and not be in the majority. DD has no friends, is autistic and has selective mutism. But she’s very pretty, kind of like a doll, and it does help. It keeps the teasing for her other issues at bay, to an extent.

Yep this. I have already said but my 9 year old has anxiety and quiet and can come across as slightly weird. But she is really pretty so people aren't as inclined to bully her and tend to ignore her instead. Which she prefers!

Kids do go through phases and one can seem pretty one minute then gawky with adult teeth too big for the mouth the next.

Well i must be very shallow because unlike others on here I want to remain good-looking for as long as possible! I just think it gives me an easier ride & I don’t want to have to work harder 😆😆

Yes, I've had that too. I'm pretty in a less generic way, but I've had people behave awfully with me. I don't see it as a privilege. I'm not saying I want to be ugly. I like how I look. But I also don't think it's easy, maybe it depends on the people you've met.

Men have always been really awful with me, apart from DH. And I still get it now. I hate going to conferences because I know what I'll get in the meet ups after. I've read emails from people saying I don't know what I'm talking about and referring to my face. It's horrible. It made me want to shrink.

Didn't, but it's still always there.

EDIT: I don't mean catalogue models are generic. I mean more that about me. I think I look odd. Very small, big eyes, high cheekbones. Men used to scream about Kate Bush at me, and I fucking HATED it. To the point my long hair is gone.

Please, pretty privilege starts from the day you are born. 😂 I know from experience as I have 2 children, one prettier than the other in some classical features and this one has been getting free treats, compliments on the street etc for years. :) so ya it starts very early :)

My younger daughter has always been extremely pretty, but it's more than that - there is an energy about her which draws people in. She has pretty bad learning difficulties and asd and basically people just wouldn't believe it because she was so pretty. I had all the reports, letters of diagnosis and her year 6 teacher told me "I don't believe she is autistic". At her PIP face to face assessment the assessor basically wrote "she comes across so well she can't possibly be eligible" and she was turned down - I complained and it was overturned. She went to a special needs school and even there other parents would ask why she was there.

Being pretty is like an entry card into a different world imo. People make all sorts of assumptions about what you can do even in the face of hard evidence.

I'm a bit baffled by the question because yes, obviously.

Don't you remember being at school and wanting to be pretty so you could be in the popular group?

I wasn't pretty as a kid, but I sort of blossomed in the summer before I started Uni. My AAs turned into Es overnight and I learned how to do my make-up. Then I got there and was suddenly overwhelmed with male attention. I definitely noticed the privilege in going from not pretty to pretty! Maybe if you're always pretty it just seems normal and you think it's like that for everyone?

I do think it's strange though that we pick as being an attribute we shouldn't celebrate or appreciate. Intelligence is just as random, for one example, and it's OK to be proud of being intelligent or put intelligence as the most important quality in a partner.

@GiddyRobin I genuinely don’t have more than a handful of times a man or women has been horrible to me & I have no idea if it was because of the way I look. I think it helps that I’ve worked in female dominated industries & maybe my personality? I’m pretty confident & im tall which I think helps.

It could be! I'm small and I'm in publishing so it's more men than women usually, same growing up in education. So it's a possibility! Maybe it just depends. I'm really glad (genuinely, no sarcasm!) that you've not experienced it. It's not nice and such a fucking drag.

It’s definitely not just kids, adults participate in this too.

My DD10 is quite shy and wears glasses so although she has a good group of pals at school, she is not part of the popular clique.

But whenever we are out and about interacting with adults in stores, I am quite shocked at how frequently adults comment to her about how beautiful she is.

She has quite a classical doll-like face and comes across as quite composed and poised (think ideal ballerina beauty) so I think it is the kind of beauty that catches the attention of adults rather than kids.