To think "pretty privilege" can start really early?

[donniedarko89]

"Pretty privilege" is the term used to describe the unfair advantages that people who conform to society's beauty standards receive.

AIBU to think that it can start as early as the first years of primary school? I am noticing these dynamics in DD's school, with "popular cliques" already forming in Year 1. Is this just in my head?

Yes, I've noticed this too, and DD is one of those mature, bright, cool kids you mention (thank goodness, DH and I were the opposite and had a horrible time at school) but I also notice that all of her little "cool" friendship group fit into the traditionally attractive bracket too. They all have nice teeth, nice hair, perfect skin. Maybe it's that kids from those sorts of middle-class backgrounds tend to be well fed and groomed? Maybe it's that clever men with good jobs marry beautiful women and have clever, beautiful children? (Doesn't really apply to us but maybe others?)

I'm probably a 5 on a good day but was blessed with beautiful DC. It's always surprised me how easily they make friends, always pass interviews and attract people.

DS's year 3 teacher (he's 29 now) told me he was too good looking for his own good, at one of his parent's evenings.

Any competition DD entered when young, she always won. The next question was usually would she appear on their website or be a brand ambassador. One event it was particularly noticeable at was a Halloween event thrown by a fairly large company. DD won, despite her only wearing a cheap supermarket outfit. There was a similar aged child in the exact same outfit but she had adapted it and had her face painted to really look the part. I heard her DM complaining as we left. Life is definitely easier if you're pretty.

@GiddyRobin thinking about when I was younger I was careful around boys & not wanting to give them the wrong idea but I think lots of girls/women to that.

@GiddyRobin it could be I’m just shite at reading people 😆

I have 2 primary aged DDs.

I was pretty but not popular (bookish, a bit bossy, more interested in sport, later singled out for ridicule over minor imperfections like an occasional spot).

DD1 is pretty and popular, but it made me quite sad that the recent “write something nice about your classmate anonymously” exercise resulted in numerous “you’re pretty” returns and little of substance.

DD2 is ordinary looking and popular (kind, funny, enthusiastic).

Based on my limited survey of 3, I’d say “pretty privilege” is a massive over simplification and far from a helpful concept to proliferate.

I grew up around mixed, so it was really weird for me when I was suddenly changed from "mate" to "someone I want to fuck". I do have some wonderful male friends, and I cherish them. But I remember when I felt I had to start being careful too, and it was a bit sad. I just wanted to carry on playing archery or whatever it was we were doing.

Absolutely right. One of my boys was a naughty cheeky little boy and then teenager. He never got in trouble, and was described as “charming” “lively” “good fun” “quick witted” “confident” etc etc all because he was exceptionally good looking. We have often said that he would not have got away with half the stuff he done if he didn’t look the way he did.

I probably miss-remembering an old Robert Winston documentary, but the documentary said the thing that is most helpful to kids making friends on their first day of school is making them look nice...eg. shiny shoes and nice hair bobbles.

I can sort of see what he means, when DS2 (4) goes to a birthday party they do comment on each others clothes in a 'I have dinosaurs on my top too, let's be dinosaurs' sort of way.

I've had it happen, as an adult. Not to really toot my own horn but I'm definitely attractive, was even more when I was younger. It took a long time to really see it due to bullying in school (I'm on the spectrum, and was pretty weird in school). My looks get commented on a lot, sometimes by perfect strangers, both men and women. I've experienced terrible bullying at jobs by women. The worst was a woman who made my work hell. I was getting sick at work and eventually had to go to the bosses to get it taken care of. She tried to say I was a terrible employee but my job performance was good. Eventually I found out that she was making a lot of snide comments about my looks to others, and accused me of trying to sleep with the male coworkers, despite the fact that I was in a committed same sex relationship. I also got her job eventually so I clearly wasn't bad. Women can be terrible to other women.

I remember that too- I think it was in Child of Our Time!

This. Same experience, same concerns about primary age daughter.

cliques start early but I don't think it's to do with 'pretty' privilege.

I disagree when I was in primary school a few children were in a clique but their parents were the same and they were bullies. I’m sure it happens in every primary school

iv observed a lot of boys / men who will call a pretty but plainer girl usually brunette ( as in not fake tan make up blonde brassy etc ) ugly and give her a complex about her attractiveness, then drool & perv all over blonde, orange, filler and spanner faced wanna be Barbie’s so I think a lot of men confuse high maintenance and fake looking with pretty. I see it all the time.

@Ladyzfactor Im sorry you have experienced that. I only have my experiences & as I said I’m still friends with a few girls from modelling days & some of them are/were much better looking than me & it’s just not something that has happened to us. We also didn’t get that many comments from strangers then or now. Turned heads? Yes but I would say people wouldn’t really approach us particularly in a group. Certainly the boys I liked never approached/talked to me! 😆😆

@Jazminsbutter i think men & women often have different beauty ideals, I also think its depends on area. I’m a Londoner and growing up individuality was a good thing but when I went to uni in a different city a lot of people there dressed in a very different way eg much more glammed up and a lot of them liked to dress the same eg all girls with completely straight ironed hair, same shoes etc. I did feel like I wasn’t seen in the same way as I was at home and felt a bit out of sorts initially.

I could see a model not being approached much. A tall, thin beautiful woman could be intimidating, especially in groups. I'm shorter, very busty, and give off a "sexy" vibe (I've worked in strip clubs). I try to be very nice and approachable but they're people that will always judge me as being a slut just at based on appearance, both men and women.

I'm always baffled by this too!

Personally, brown skin and brown eyes, olive skin is much more exotic and attractive IMO but hardly mentioned!

Never heard the term "Pretty privilege" but know exactly what you mean. I have 2 very attractive friends, one I've known since childhood, people have always responded very positively to her, given her attention, sought her out, I think it's a huge confidence boost when people react so positively to you.
Another very attractive friend I've only known through adulthood but I definitely notice the difference in how people respond the second she walks into a room people, especially men!, will always want to chat to her, seek her out, take an opportunity to make small talk etc it's palpable the attention she attracts. She also is offered every job she interviews for , especially if interviewed by men, she is aware of this and says I can tell they (he) really liked me-tbf she also works hard as and is good at what she does.
I'm hoping "plain priviledge" as mentioned by pp works to my advantage 😂

Being perceived as beautiful, ugly or different absolutely garners how we are treated, and I agree, from a very young age.

I was low birthweight (just shy of 4lbs) and as an adult reached just shy of 5’. As a child, teen and until a few years ago, looked much younger than my age as well as a bit fragile and unusual (turned out I had a genetic condition). I didn’t have pretty privilege but from early on got away with far more in terms of cheekiness, allowances being made and extra attention, especially from adults. Older kids at school and friends in my street would carry me about even though I had no mobility issues and didn’t ask to be picked up. I’d just ask for something and my DBs would do it without question. Looking back I definitely milked it but as an adult just wanted to be blend in. As I got older I became more anss and stopped putting up with being infantilised. My ex really took this to a ridiculous degree and it ruined my confidence and esteem. Society is hugely judgemental and looksist, no matter what is said about body positivity, different beauty standards etc. if I had been beautiful as well as looking tiny and rather fragile, I’d probably have been a total nightmare.

Things have changed so much. When I was at primary school in the 80s, efforts were being made to de-genderise schools, trousers were being introduced to uniforms, sports were unisex, short hairstyles were accepted, society was moving towards a gender free ideal.

Now, it's girls wear pink, boys wear blue; boys play soccer, girls do ballet; girls are demure, boys are boisterous. Massive regression.

And then you have social media and sexualisation at secondary - totally alien to the 80s early 90s experience that I enjoyed.

I actually wish my daughter was unattractive - that way she may escape being sexualised and objectified, and can just study, play, make friendships, pursue hobbies, and live her life - like boys are still able to do.

Being a "pretty" girl in 2024 is not the same as it was in 1984.

I fully agree. Getting to the point where most of your male friends have had an intention beyond friendship, and losing friendships, other women jealous or off towards you. People don't like to say it and get accused of humble bragging... but it only gets you so far in life, and it's usually with creepy men.

Pretty privilege is absolutely a thing among adults, and there are countless studies to back that up.

I'm not convinced it's a huge factor in how younger children form friendship groups, though.

Yes it is proven that pretty people are more likely to attract friends, be forgiven or let off when doing something wrong. They can also be subject to bullying tho.

I'm confused by your comment - you say you're pretty but in your later paragraph say "I think I look odd". If you have usual looks you're probably not going to get pretty privilege.

I think I have pretty privilege because men go out of their way to be nice to me. I've had random men run across a railway track because I dropped something - I've been gifted random things, allowed to ride public transport for free etc. I only really noticed the privilege disappeared when I was heavily pregnant, swollen face and objectively not that attractive and random people in the street weren't super nice to me like usual. I don't relate to your post saying men are awful to attractive women - in my experience men fawn over attractive women