To think "pretty privilege" can start really early?

[donniedarko89]

"Pretty privilege" is the term used to describe the unfair advantages that people who conform to society's beauty standards receive.

AIBU to think that it can start as early as the first years of primary school? I am noticing these dynamics in DD's school, with "popular cliques" already forming in Year 1. Is this just in my head?

X-posted. This post baffled me, too. I wasn’t going to make it as a beauty queen, but my former beauty queen friend certainly made it in academia.

Not at all. DD is objectively pretty (big blue eyes, blond hair) and gets befriended by older girls as well, who pay her compliments on her appearance. This is what prompted my question!

I obviously recognise that being what’s generally considered good looking has lots of advantages, but all this stuff about “pretty privilege” and “popular cliques” just belongs in American high school tv shows to me. Where I’m from it is honestly really rare that anyone is way above average in looks (poor gene pool or something idk 🤷‍♀️) and even if they are it doesn’t mean they will have an easy life at all, in fact the best looking girls from when I was in school have nearly all had really hard lives and been treated really badly by men.
There were groups of very confident girls in my schools that were very often bullies, but they were not all particularly attractive.
I come from an area where there are a lot of social problems, looks don’t seem to make much difference here. I think maybe where pretty privilege comes in is where people are all ready privileged all round and having naturally good looks just gives an extra social advantage.

I think kids are naturally drawn to kids who are pretty. I think It's unconscious, we are drawn to those who are healthiest, ie nicest teeth, not under or over weight, shiny hair etc from a really young age. Plus we see adults favouring those children, so believe they must be what adults are looking for in children.
It is a privilege, I've got 4 good looking kids, 1 who is particularly so. Everyone is charmed by him, and have been since he was born. He's also funny and kind, and prefers the geeks to the popular cliques. Doesn't stop him getting extra free food from the dinner ladies at his college...or charming his way into getting a life guard job instead of a cleaning one. Being charming didn't help him smile his way through some exams he recently sat and failed though. That was a lesson for him, you actually still need to work...

I think you've just got to accept it's a thing. It's just genetics, no one has any influence over it.
However, be careful what you say and how you treat the pretty kids. It's not their fault, and it's not something to be celebrated. Just treat them like the rest of the kids in your daughters class.

I don't agree that being pretty is a privilege. I was stunning as a child, bright green eyes, white hair, rosebud mouth. I grew up basing my entire worth on my looks, I got what I wanted because of my looks and I took advantage of it but nobody took me seriously, nobody ever told me I was good at art or asked what book I was reading. Now I'm middle aged and let myself go to crap, I'm trying to find my worth now I don't have my looks.

Not all good looking faces are symmetrical though

@Jazminsbutter exactly and not all beautiful people are 'genetically healthy' either!

I'll second that. I have always been much plainer than my knockout sisters, and so I have made much more of my relationships - have never taken other people's friendship or affection even remotely for granted. Community means so much more to me than it does to them. I've also made much more of a contribution to other people's wellbeing with my life choices, as the only value I could find was by being useful.

Being beautiful, by contrast, ate away at something inside my sisters. Friendship, love and respect just came too easily: they never had to earn them. They were always popular, but as middle age approaches, they are finding life quite lonely, and they are frightened. Cool is not where it's at after 50. Love and respect is.

You don’t have to be pretty to be popular, but it gives you a good head start without any effort on your part.

When I was at school there were a few popular groups and one group was just the ‘pretty girls’ all nice enough and just like everyone else really. They were only really popular because of the way they looked though. Same with the boys, popular because they were good looking not because they had anything else special anyone else didn’t.

What’s with this tedious desire to label things as a privilege? It feels like nothing more than a petty way of trying to take people down a peg or 2 because of some kind of jealousy.

@MontySaucy I know someone like this. It's coming as a shock to her that in middle age, the people who like her solely for her looks aren't the 'right' people for her.

I think there site is full of adults who have warped views on most things so then put these worrying ideas onto their children and blame everyone else

I agree with those who have said it is not necessarily a privilege. Having dirty old men (or not so old men) letch over you or worse from your teenage years which happens to many women considered pretty or attractive is not something I view positively.

One of the most likeable kids I know who seems to easily get on with anyone is cute but also quite overweight. She’s got the loveliest personality and will stop for a chat with anyone, she’s got a really big heart and seems to make friends easily. One of the most beautiful smiles because it’s really genuine and she looks actually really pleased to see people. I think she makes people feel like they are liked and that matters a lot.

I think theres a difference between what people think is “popular” and attractive on the surface and “likeable”. I think likability is probably the most important thing.

I have a ds and dd at nursery. My ds is very conventionally cute. (To me they’re both equally adorable). The difference in how the staff react to them is noticeable. They gush over my son, and their eyes light up. My daughter is just another kid.

Yes true, all that symmetry = beauty = good health/genes is Bs perpetuated by incels and super vain types on tick tock / YouTube.

I am considered very attractive

particularly when younger.
in fact I genuinely thought there was no point in being on this earth if you weren’t attractive to men.

now I am older, I have lost my way, I don’t see myself as having a purpose

I have been a very plain kid, a very 'attractive' young woman, and now a FAR less 'attractive' older woman. I didn't realise how much people reacted to the way I looked until I didn't look that good any more.

It took a while for me to adjust, tbh. I went from being desired by many people, to the complete opposite. I had around 20 years of being told how beautiful I was, and then I got older, bigger and swapped my little City suits and heels for overalls (I became a metalworker). I became invisible, and I prefer it so much.

I look back at 25 year old me being leered at by men older enough to be my father/grandfather, and I wish I'd told them to fuck off. I just accepted it. At the time, I thought it was great, but I wish I'd known better and had some strong female guidance at that point.

I'm so, so much happier now.

I don't think it's necessarily an advantage. My DD is cute and petite and has a tendency to burst into tears if she doesn't get her own way. I don't think this is very good for her. She's 10, and makes her own lunch once or twice a week. Last week she forgot and told the school office she'd left it at home and I will bet my last penny she looked tearful and cute in the school office to get them to ring us.
She wanted DH to make her lunch and bring it but we have told her if she wants packed lunch she can make it (the school lunches are easier all round and more varied).

I can see what you mean. I have 5 DC who are all objectively beautiful - I know I sound like I'm trying to show off but they are genuinely very conventionally pretty and cute when they are younger.

But the thing is, it's more to do with personality. I have twin daughters who are identical and 15 and one is a lot more extroverted than the other. So one has always had a really large friendship group and very chatty and the other has her close set of good friends and is more calm. Kids naturally went to talk to my chatty twin as the other takes her time to warm up to people. Despite the fact that they are identical.

My 6 year old is currently in Year 1 and is also very chatty and has lots of friends and is very well loved. I think this is more because she comes across as adorable 😁

But then my 9 year old is currently in Year 5 and she is very pretty but really quiet due to her anxiety. She doesn't have a lot of friends and people don't tend to approach her. The thing is, she doesn't get made fun of. And it's so sad but I see overweight children for example get made fun of a lot and they are rarely popular, especially when younger. It's hard to decide because there are obviously quiet people who are gorgeous and then more popular people who perhaps aren't as conventionally pretty. But I definitely think there could be a part.

I do have a son too and it's quite different for him as well.

This does just seem like I'm bragging about my kids tbh but I promise I do have a point!!

Men are held to different standards than women.
YANBU OP.
I'm not 'pretty' but have easily dolled up features (good skin and a slim figure). The difference in pretty mode is remarkable.
As a child the better looking ones got away with more.

You know we can argue about unconscious bias etc all we want. But we're animals at the end of the day. Some instincts are hardwired, like beauty = good. There's nothing we can do about it.

Not at all. DD is objectively pretty (big blue eyes, blond hair)

I never understand the above. Having blonde hair or blue eyes doesn’t mean you are pretty. You might be but that will be down to your features & bone structure.

No it absolutely does not. Are you seriously saying that all people who develop disease or are born with congenital conditions are ugly / unattractive.

Just go on a children’s ward for cancer I dare you.

I really really love being attractive to men

Also, to be fair, I know a lovely, lovely 7 year old. She is considerably overweight but is very cutely cheeky and is adorable to everyone. So sweet and could not be mean to save her life. She is liked by everyone. But even then, people find a way to make fun of her weight. Kids specifically ignore her due to that. And she is sensitive and cries a lot over it. It is heart-breaking.