For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

I think lots of people read only the first rep once and no other.

Op will of recently given birth via a c section; have a toddler.

The wedding is in a place with one flight a week getting there at around midnight. I think this part alone is bonkers. Expecting all your guests to basically take a week off work for your wedding. Take children out of school? Sorry but sibling or not that’s asking a huge amount.

again op should not have to rope in another family member or friend to help her and her newborn because of a week long wedding vacation. If his family expect or demand attendance it should be an easy to get to location and should have checked dates works for all before booking.

But it won't be a couple of days - the flights are one per week, so will be at least 7 days. OP will have had a c-section, so not only and newborn to contend with, but as toddler as well. It is not being helpless it's called wanting your husband/partner to be there with you to help deal with something they have a part in!

This is the obvious answer OP.

The only other one is for DH to go with your toddler, on the proviso that if the birth isn't straightforward and you need more support, then he might have to pull out.

Agree but tbh it doesn't really matter. Heavily pregnant or newly post c section OP can't fly. DH should be at home with his family supporting OP. If heavily pregnant he can't risk missing birth, if after he shouldn't be leaving his wife after major surgery. If she'd been in a car accident they wouldn't be expecting him to fly and leave her looking after one or more kids alone. Why should c section be different?

They chose to get married arse end of nowhere with one flight a week.

Also I think only one person has pointed out.

How will all this come across to the toddler.

So option one everyone stays home. Toddler has mummy and daddy and baby and that’s a learning curve anyway.

option two. Mummy has a new baby and daddy disappears for a week.

ontion three. Mummy has a new baby and daddy and him go away from mummy for a week.

I don’t think option two or three are in best interests of the toddler even is we forget about op and the baby.

Do you have any family of your own @apothecarist ? If it was me I’d want my DH to go but I’d have the support of my own parents to help with baby and toddler.

I’d also tell them I was pregnant rather than lying to family.

She’ll be alone with newborn. It’s just unfortunate timing. These things happen.

But I’d add op they need to know. Just ask them to keep it very quiet, referencing your previous complications.

I

It was also be a hard NO from me. If people choose to have overseas weddings they have to accept it won't work for everyone. And definitely not the OP and family, under the circumstances

you are obviously missing the point that we are questioning if access is genuinely limited to once a week - very unlikely with all the criteria given, or if there's only one DIRECT flight a week.. and there's a lot of excuses being used.

Not talking about c-section around the wedding, but unless you are honest about it, not travelling with a toddler etc is nonsense and the sibling is right to be pissed of.

Thanks, all. Really appreciate all the replies - just at work at the moment!

Re: the one flight a week, yes that's one direct flight. There are options with one or more stops that could get in on another day but that makes an already very long journey even more so - drive to UK airport, get two or three flights, arrive, drive several hours to venue.

To be fair @HoppingPavlova its not a destination wedding - it’s where the brides family is from and their family live.

so they aren’t asking all their guests to travel, they are only asking his side to travel. If they got married near the OP, they would be asking all the other side to travel.

I do think telling them soon is a good idea- if the flights are going to be a problem for guests and the venue they want can’t be booked for midweek, and the grooms sibling can’t go due to a new baby, it might trigger a rethink about when and where the wedding happens.

OP - a c section with a toddler is tough to cope with. If does depend on how far post birth you are when the wedding is if you are considering dh going alone. I would say a flat no in the first fortnight. After that, only if you have help from your family. My dh going back to work after his pat leave finished when I had dc2 by c section was the toughest week - it’s so much harder to recover with a toddler to entertain.

I also think you should strenuously resist any family suggestions of DH going on his own or with toddler. Its one of the main times in your life where you are going to NEED him to be physically present and on hand for emotional and physical support. An overseas wedding simply doesn't outweigh that.

There is always uncertainty around a birth and how everyone feels afterwards and how much recovery time they need. DH family will just have to accept that. I find it hard to think that they wouldn't have some appreciation for this.

You want the security of knowing that you have DH's backup. Not the insecurity of wondering what you would do if this, or if that. With a blooming C section you are going to need your DH's care. No question. I am fully sympathetic to the fact that single mothers may or may not have access to that kind of support and still manage, because they have to. But when you do have the support available, why deny yourself?

The only priority here is that you and your DH do what is best for the health and comfort of both of you, your new baby, and your toddler - not worry about relatives disapproving.

When you are all recovered and feeling mobile you can ALL get together with them and celebrate then.

I agree too.
As other PPs have pointed out, people are entitled to get married wherever they wish to.
They are not entitled to demand that potential guests travel hundreds/thousands of miles to an overseas destination. That's selfish and narcissistic.
But what I can't get my head around is that some PPs have advised that DH should go, either alone or with toddler, to a destination that's not easy to get to.
Really?
OP is due to give birth a few weeks before the wedding.
Are you guys for real?
@apothecarist I feel upset for you that you may have to reveal your pregnancy sooner than you would have wished, just to have to justify why you can't go to this wedding. Obviously you have to decide when to tell your in-laws.
I think they're already being unreasonable by calling you out for feeling the trip could be too arduous for a toddler.
And you hope they would accept that it would be ok for you not to go once they knew about your pregnancy? Wow, wouldn't that be big of them? (Yes, the sarcasm is intentional).
Well, It's your DH's sibling's choice to get married in this remote location.
Put yourself and your family first and don't be guilt-tripped under any circumstances, whatever you decide.

Could your DH go with the toddler and his parents? I'm sure they can manage between the 3 of them.
Then you stay at home with the baby.

It's MN. You will always have a few posters who have an irrational hatred of weddings in general, and faint at the idea of not having the wedding held on their own doorsteps - regardless of where any of the rest of the family might live.

Shock horror that someone dares getting married with a non-local partner 😂

I am glad I have never met anyone so bitter, grumpy and self-centred in real life.
Miffed if they are invited, even more miffed if they are not.

Meanwhile, a birth due around a wedding, with higher risk than normal of a c-section (every birth can end in a c-section anyway) is enough reason not to travel, no need for the drama and secrecy.

I think that's a bit dramatic tbh. Most of us here will have had babies. I could have spared my DH for a few days, with months of warning to arrange help, for a once in a lifetime event. If you couldn't, fine, but lots of people could.

It’s also not that fair on DH.

My DH would have been really upset to miss those early days of his paternity leave and not spend them with our newborn Dc.

Those pp suggesting DH go I think are unreasonable. OP mentions complications in her last pregnancy. She may have complications again. Even if OP does have supportive parents if there are complications someone may need to be with her at the hospital with her and someone may need to be with the toddler at home. I would not want my husband in a place where there is only one flight a week. Our twins arrived at 30 weeks via emergency C-section. We had a toddler at home, luckily my parents were available to help. I needed my husband there. One of our twins nearly died from sepsis on day 2 - I was still struggling post C section - it would have been so much more difficult without my husband around. It is unfortunate timing but the DH's responsibility is to his wife and unborn child, in this situation.

The baby is due weeks before the wedding.

It's your husband's brother's wedding so it's important to attend. However, if your pregnancy is deemed 'high risk' and due date is very near to wedding date, that is good reason not to go. You said baby is due 'afew weeks' before wedding date. How many weeks is afew? That is relevant. If your family are aware of your pregnancy and related matters, I'm sure they will be understanding. Worst case scenario, your husband should attend alone

Well lucky you if you could have spared your DH, but it's totally irrelevant in this case as plenty of people can't due to their specific circumstances. A new baby and a C-section is always a risky time for anyone, and it's her DH's baby too, not just hers. It's not overly dramatic to say she should prioritise her family at one of the most significant and potentially dramatic time of their lives, particularly as she's said she had complications last time.

Yes but due dates shift.

Yes, and my twins arrived at 30 weeks but were in hospital for 7 weeks. OP mentions complications in her last pregnancy which means she will be high risk again. Giving birth is an unpredictable situation; it could all be fine timing wise or it could not.