For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

@apothecarist your DH should still go, even if you don't feel up for it.

Could your toddler stay with your family and the two of you go?

Or just take non-direct flights and turn it into an adventure/holiday?

If you have some kind of robust support, maybe your parents for example, then your husband should go alone.

Unless there are complications with you or the baby after the birth etc.

I would find a way for at least husband to go. His siblings wedding is a big deal. If say either husband alone or husband and toddler.

Of course having a toddler is an 'excuse.' In fact, it's a damn good reason. Like hell would I be dragging my toddler abroad, getting up at stupid o'clock like 5.00am, and not getting there till midnight. What, a 17 hour trip just for someone's dumb wedding that they chose to have abroad? LOL fuck that!

I wouldn't go with my toddler. Even if I wasn't heavily pregnant at the time ... As previous posters have said, you're free to have your wedding anywhere you like. Have it on the moon if you like, but just expect a lot of people to refuse to attend - or say they will attend, then bail out when they realise what a ballache it's going to be.

Because it's really unreasonable to expect people to spend loads of time travelling many miles, (because of YOUR choice to have your wedding abroad,) spending loads of money (and it will cost many ££££££!) And then there's the logistics if you've got small children!

Anyone that has a wedding abroad and then gets all sniffy and huffy, and butthurt and salty, because some people won't come is an absolute selfish idiot and they don't deserve anybody to turn up. Why do people have to get married abroad?! If the sibling's partner is 'from overseas' but is living here in the UK, then they should have a wedding over here. They chose to come and live here. Why should everybody haul ass across to another country/another continent to attend the wedding?

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And he can always decide not to go, if it does happen to be more complicated. It's not as if you book the flights and you're escorted on at gun point.
If it were my sibling, or DHs sibling, we would be planning to make the effort.

It's not really a destination wedding though. It's not like they've chosen somewhere in the middle of nowhere because they want to get married on a beach. It's where one of the couple is from and where their family still lives.

I don’t get the MUST attend at all frankly. It’s a wedding. It’s not their last day on earth. You’re not rushing for a death bed for the last words you’ll ever get to speak to one another.

It’s just a wedding and party. Let’s be totally honest here. Your wedding matters to you. Hugely. To immediate family it may also be important, to friends and wider family it’s a day out and party. But it’s still not an emergency. It’s not a if we don’t go the world will end.

You shouldn’t demand people take annual leave to go to your wedding regardless of where it is or be mad that someone cannot attend. The only people who matter will be in attendance. The bride and groom and the person marrying them. Nobody else’s attendance actually matters.

If you family will fall about because a sibling cannot or won’t attend then your family wasn’t actually that close or caring and thoughtful to each other anyway.

No they aren't. If you choose to get married in an inconvenient location involving complex travel arrangements and people having to take annual leave, you have absolutely no right to be pissed off if people can't make it, whether there are circumstances you are unaware of or not.

Why doesnt DH attend alone? Seems the best solution for everyone.

Because the OP will need help managing a newborn and a toddler in the immediate aftermath of her C-section?

This isn't what paternity leave is for.

If it’s a one direct flight a week place then the couple are going to find lots of people finding it practically undoable. Presumably everyone will have to stay for a week if they want to avoid complicated journeys.

I’d be in favour of sending your husband for a few days. But post c section leaving you with a baby and toddler for a week? Nah.

Exactly this. The whole thing smacks of high maintenance, head-up-her-arse selfish bridezilla... 'It's all about me me me, we are so important that you WILL attend our wedding even if it costs you 3 grand, and you're 9 months pregnant, and have a toddler, and you have to take a week of holiday leave from work. ME ME ME. It's all about MEEEEEEEEEEE!'

Upshot, don't have a wedding abroad and then piss and moan and whinge because some people refuse to come.

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I bet you had a five day fancy dress destination wedding in Maui and expected all your relatives to save for two years to afford it.

@apothecarist I went to a wedding that involved travel and accommodation because the bride was from there and her entire family were there. Not everyone on the groom’s side could go.

What they did is after they came back from their honeymoon they arranged a party celebrating their wedding in the groom’s hometown. It was kind of like a reception but they shared videos and photos of the wedding.

Could your Dh’s sibling do something like this? Would they be interested in doing something like this? As a way of including and celebrating with Dh’s sibling’s family and friends who just cannot attend the actual wedding?

Pretty shocked at people saying for your DH to go by himself or with toddler. Baby could be just a few days old and doing skin to skin/bonding with their parents

The OP was pretty clear that she is due a few weeks before the wedding and it is a c section so the baby won't be late.

There's no way the baby will be a few days old. A few usually implies 3-6.

I don't think it's a big deal to look after a 3-6 week old on your own for a few days. I do think the DH should take the toddler though.

With the newborn?

It's not bridezilla to have your wedding in your own country. And presumably the groom was part of the decision.

It's going to be a long way for a wedding for one set of family, wherever they have it. And absolutely none of your highlighted rant is the case. The entire question in the OP revolves around the fact that the couple don't know that OP is pregnant.

Most men wouldn't even be on paternity leave by that point.

Tell them you are pregnant and husband will go with toddler. Enjoy the peace and quiet !

Still be home for some rest and help come after working hours. Be able to say go and grab an hour or two I’ve got this. Go get a shower.

Rather than bye I’m off for a week good luck.

It IS bloody well bridezilla to piss and moan when because people won't attend though! Which is what I have been saying.

But you know that don't you?

😂

I would love to know why you are so angry about the wedding of some complete stranger you read about on the internet.

Did your ex dump you for someone from "overseas" or something? 😂Or are you just bitter you couldn't afford a nice wedding?

That's a lot of drama and anger about something that has nothing to do with you 😂