For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

My brother was abroad for a year when DH and I got married. He did come back early for the wedding but I didn't expect him to and wouldn't have been annoyed if he hadn't. My point being decent families don't go into sulks over conflicting interests.

I think your BIL and PILs need to get over themselves. It's a long way to travel (although I am confused by the one flight a week, do you mean one direct flight a week? There has to be another way to get there), and is presumably expensive. I'd not tell them about your pregnancy till I was ready to, particularly with all the scrutiny around your complications last time. They've lost the right to know early after what they did before.

And leave OP alone with a toddler and a newborn, just a few weeks after a c section?

And leave the OP with a toddler and newborn baby to look after? Hard no from me.

Yes. He will have a brand new baby, he needs to be at home, end of story. There's nothing so important that should take him away from his new baby and the baby's mother for an entire week. They chose to get married somewhere so difficult to get to, and unfortunately not everyone can sacrifice the time demanded by the location.

Your husband should go, either alone or with the toddler.

One of my earliest memories is attending my uncle’s wedding with my father (his brother) while my mother stayed at home with my baby sibling.

It was a long journey but very exciting and I loved all that time with my father. I was very well behaved.

The C section changes everything, you can’t go. We would have arranged family or help so that my DH could go, he has only one sister who has lived overseas for 30 years so it was always a possibility. The flight is only three hours though.

I'm pretty sure lots of people are missing the bit about Op being pregnant.

I'm sure emails are the same, lots of people don't really read the second paragraph.

Your pregnancy is your legitimate reason not to go. Although, having a toddler myself, I think your original reason is good enough but can see why family don’t agree. They may be thinking your DH should still go/want you and your toddler there as immediate family and, at the end of the day, it’s not them having to deal with a tired and cranky toddler and do all the travelling with them.

It’s disappointing but your family have no choice but to understand and accept it when they know of your pregnancy. You will be heavily pregnant and close to due date (how far along will you be?). You won’t be able to fly in any case, and even if you could would you risk going into labour abroad?

You will be having a planned c-section, which are usually done earlier than 40 weeks as well (mine was done at 39 but have had friends have them 36/37 weeks) and you will have a toddler at home. So DH can’t go by himself because what if baby decided to come early and he missed it (I went into labour the morning of my section so they don’t always guarantee you’ll skip that bit!). And if baby is already here he can’t leave you and go as who’s going to help you after your c-section, especially with toddler?

Just tell them and ask them not to tell anyone else. It's better than causing hurt now then expecting them to understand closer to the time.

There's not a chance in hell my husband would be going anywhere for a week that close to the birth of our child.

It's a wedding. It's not the end of the world. She chose to have it in an inconvenient place (as is her prerogative) but I don't think she has a leg to stand on in getting upset about people not attending.

Tell them about the pregnancy when you're ready. Don't be pushed into anything.

I don't think your DH should go given how difficult transportation seems to be - if there was any problem at home it sounds like he might struggle to get back quickly

I’d just be honest about the pregnancy.

No dh can not go - he could miss the birth of the baby altogether if she is late ( very likely with a second baby) or you may have complications and need help. It’s a no, they will understand when they know the real reason why op.

Personally I think people should be able to refuse weddings abroad for any reason at all, without any push back. Asking people to travel that far is unreasonable in itself.

I'd just spell it out for them. You're pregnant again - new baby arriving shortly before wedding by c section. You could have issues getting new baby passport in time AND you'll be recovering from major surgery. You're not allowed to fly for at least 6 weeks after without doctors note. So depending on dates you might not be able to fly.

Yes your DH could go alone or with toddler. But if you have a rough c section and have infection etc you may well need the support at home.

I agree.

we are still waiting to hear what place on earth is suitable for a family to be raised, a wedding to be booked months in advance but is only accessible once a week.

I am not saying it does not exist, I am just curious to know WHERE that is.

People raise families everywhere in the world!

Who on earth thinks it's okay to leave a post partum woman alone with a newborn and a toddler? Especially after having a c section? Come the fuck on. I was in hospital for nearly a week after mine, DS was poorly. I'd say having a baby is more important than a wedding.

But this ignores the social convention that families actually talk to each other and share detail about their decisions. It is absolutely fine not to go to your sibling’s destination wedding. But unless you hate your sibling and are already low contact, it is not fine to say no without any explanation. Honestly, this place is like a parallel universe sometimes.

Why are people struggling to understand that

have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.
means the baby will be born before the wedding?

I’ve lost count of the number of replies saying that OP “will be heavily pregnant”.

How much more clearly could she have put it?

My thoughts exactly.

thanks, we know that. That wasn't the question.

You will tell them of the pregnancy at some point and I hope they will then be understanding.

Your DH has been reasonable in saying no now, not waiting until later, even though not the whole reason.

Hope the pregnancy goes well.

Well it was a pretty daft one and the OP probably won't want to answer in case it's outing.