For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Most people have SOMEONE that could come and stay so she wouldn’t be alone.

obviously if there really is no one then DH should stay at home and I’m sure his sibling will understand that situation.

That's genius but they might question surgery being booked so far in advance.

I would maybe come clean to your brother and ask him to keep it a secret for now. Providing you have that kind of relationship. At least he then knows why. Baby wouldn’t have a passport / complications from a birth etc make it not doable.

He’s hurt that you have used the toddler as an excuse when you could if you wanted work around those things.

It's really not the end of the world to tell a sibling the real reason, to avoid any hurt continuing. Just ask them to keep it to themselves.

This!

if I sent a message like that to my DB he’d call me immediately and ask what kind of alien life form I was, and what I’d done with his sister!

Tell the sibling in confidence that your pregnant and due very close to the wedding. I'm sure they can keep it quite a bit longer (we had to tell DH's sister before rest of the family as I kept going off to be sick while we were with them) - she's a gossip and kept it quiet!

The compromise would be for DH to go and let him decide if he can cope with your toddler. I'm guessing your toddler is more likely to sleep in the car, on the plane so may not be as tired as you think, and if they are the family will have to accept as they wanted them there.

I agree with all of this as well as @Iwantmyoldnameback . We got married abroad and we understood when we made that decision that people might not come. DH's sister didn't come because she didn't want to take time off work and also I suspect she has a moderate fear of flying. It was fine, we didn't sulk about it and our relationship is still as it was before.

Pretty shocked at people saying for your DH to go by himself or with toddler. Baby could be just a few days old and doing skin to skin/bonding with their parents. Why deprive them of that which really helps a baby settle into the world? Not to mention if you have complications! And baby blues are so common/natural about 2 weeks after birth (due to the hormone crash)… surely it’s setting you and baby up for a very rough start to have their father leave at that time? It’s not about other grown ups, it’s about giving a newborn the healthiest happiest start you and your partner can provide. If choosing between the most nurturing environment for your newborn to start in versus ruffling some grown ups - it’s a no brainer!!

It is when it is somewhere only accessible by one flight a week!

Will your family be about to help you post c-section? Will toddler, who presumably then be less of a toddler then than now be happy to be helped by DH's family, many of who I presume will be on the same flight?
If that's the case then I'd definitely send him + toddler on the basis you won't be fit to fly, plus a few days of just you and baby without toddler interaction plus parental/family help will help you enormously.
I'd ring sibling and share your news and tell them it's confidential.

@apothecarist do you have family to support you with the new baby? could H go and someone else look after you. If you are having a C section there is no way you would be up to travelling like that and a hectic travel schedule. I do think if at all possible, DH should go to his sisters's wedding, so I would ask around your family to see what your option are. If there is seriously no other way to get to this venue or DH really can't attend he is going to have to tell the B&G and ask them to keep it quiet.

If for whatever reason the PG doesn't progress, then there are different options, and you staying at home with the toddler or going a week earlier with the toddler perhaps might work - obvs if you are not working etc etc

Also, if Mum has just had a baby, the poor toddler may really struggle to understand why Mum is staying home with the new baby and they are away FOR A WEEK with their Dad.

I'm pretty sure that is NOT a recommended way to help your toddler adjust to having a new baby in the family.

Without knowing that you are pregnant if it was my brother I would be fucking fuming. I think you need to tell them.

Yes it’s hardly unusual that a married couple with a toddler would be pg or ttc to make them unwilling to commit to a summer 2025 wedding in a far flung country.
I’d tell them you are pg and logistics won’t work - you won’t be able to travel and post c section will need dh so he can’t come alone. If it was a day trip it’s a very different scenario but far flung with spotty flights makes impossible.
I suspect with what you have said about flights most will decline (great excuse) and they’ll have a uk party after.
Weddings can make people go a bit mad. I’d definitely talk to sibling they may genuinely be ok about it and it’s PIL making a fuss.

independencefreedom · Today 09:23
Because he'll have a new baby to take care of.

Yes it’s funny on MN how some threads are all about equality and men needing to step in and pull their weight or LTB but when it comes to attending a wedding everyone’s all yeah just leave your wife post-major surgery to manage on her own cos’ ya know ‘party!”

Very much depends on the husband. assuming birth is straightforward, mine would have flown out, attended the ceremony and flown straight back. Party wouldn’t have entered into it. Duty done and back home next day.

I think you need to tell them about the pregnancy. Especially since there were complications last time, you really can’t plan to travel this time so soon after your due date.

DH should go alone. No need for you all not to go.

Yes, I think your DH should come clean with his sibling - he can ask that it not be broadcast to anyone else, but on the basis that you’ve complications previously, your due date is very close (and the baby could be a little late, so for all you know you may only deliver within a few days), it really is not possible for you to attend as a family.

Your DH could offer to attend alone, if you are able to arrange for someone close to you (your own mum?) to be with you for a few days while he goes over to them, but a decent person would understand that your DH would probably prefer to be with you and your newborn, given timing.

There is only one flight in and out a week! Hardly attend the wedding and back home the next day 🤦🏻‍♀️

I mean - I’m intrigued that there is one flight a week to this area - it sounds super remote?! Is it Antarctica?!

just tell them re the pregnancy - it’s the real reason you can’t go and now they’ll probably understand more but might accuse you of being dishonest. Can DH go with toddler? That might work to help ease tensions?

There is only one flight in and out a week! Hardly attend the wedding and back home the next day “

Missed that bit. Fair enough. In which case it would be a no from us. I would tell them about the pregnancy, in those circumstances. No one else needs to know.
(What does that emoji mean?)

Yeah just tell them you're pregnant.

And I know travelling with a toddler will be hard, but I think DH should go with toddler. Sounds like others will be on the same flight too if there's only one a week.

Exactly this! 👍

Baby would have arrived by the time of the wedding…….

@TopshopCropTop Without knowing that you are pregnant if it was my brother I would be fucking fuming. I think you need to tell them

Maybe you have missed the flight aspect? If people want to have overseas destination weddings that’s perfectly fine, but to expect others to jump on a plane, jetset off, take extended time from work (esp for places with limited flights in/out), is utterly taking the piss, and they must expect a number of people to give it a swerve. I’ve already told all mine that if it’s a wedding involving a flight and more than a day off work, I’ll be sending a card😆. That’s for my own kids. Like hell I’d be doing it for anyone else.

I appreciate the bride/groom may be from two different countries, and I’ve known a lot of people in this situation. They have all had the ‘official’ wedding in one country then the ‘fake’ one in the other country. Families and friends only attended the one held in their own countries. One couple I know recently did this 6 or 8 months apart as they wanted good weather in both countries for it and they were in different hemispheres.