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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For us all to miss family wedding

593 replies

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 07:51

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

OP posts:
QuirkyElleBelle · 24/10/2024 17:52

If you have your wedding abroad it's normal that not everyone will be able to attend. Don't buy in to the guilt trip, it is their issue not yours

mentallyilltotallychill · 24/10/2024 18:01

ememem84 · 23/10/2024 08:15

So you’re pregnant and due two weeks before the wedding date?

Ignore the toddler travel for a second. You may still be pregnant. Might have a 2 week old. Might have a 4 week old (if they come 2 weeks early).

passport for baby? That’s not going to arrive on time. Birth complications?

id tell them no. And maybe tell the b&g only why you can’t go.

Was about to say exactly the same thing

May9322 · 24/10/2024 18:05

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 19:49

To be honest I feel a bit weird about the fact that people are getting hung up on the exact date, like it's a "gotcha". I know the date implications of a c-section, so when I said the wedding is a few weeks after, it's a few weeks after.

Show quote history

To add to this as well…every health board is different, mine do them in the 39th week, reluctant to do them earlier even with 2nd+ pregnancies unless very necessary (twins/serious complications) and that maybe 37+2, 38+3. Mine was booked on my due date (really..!) but I went into labour the day before and ended up an emergency.

Say OP is due 3 weeks before wedding, has the csec 38+3. That’s only 4 weeks and a few days post-op with a newborn. You can’t drive, why would travelling be any different? I healed amazingly after my csec, up and short walking outdoors daily by 2 weeks but I took it easy until 6 weeks with everything else like lifting/twisting etc and I didn’t go far. I certainly didn’t feel well enough to fly, and endure a wedding after a midnight arrival…. with a toddler

Unfortunately, this is a sacrifice with abroad weddings. Some people couldn’t even maybe afford to attend which is another issue to navigate with guests.

BooBooDoodle · 24/10/2024 18:15

I’d tell them about the pregnancy. It may take the heat off and all parties may be more understanding. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with that weeks after giving birth. I had and elective section with my second and a toddler. Wasn’t signed off for driving for 10 weeks due to healing issues. It’s too much of an ask of you as you’re the one who’s going to be going through birth and nobody knows how they are going to be feeling. Ideally you need to be resting and healing so you can be there for bubba. DH could go on his own if you would be ok with that. Congratulations by the way xx

Toptops · 24/10/2024 18:21

coffeesaveslives · 23/10/2024 08:12

DH should take the toddler, you stay home and rest.

This.

caringcarer · 24/10/2024 18:29

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2024 07:56

and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding

You say the wedding is overseas. If you are due a few weeks before I doubt you’d be able to get a note to fly and even if so probably couldn’t get insurance coverage. It would be a big no from me.

Under these circumstances I'd tell his brother and fiancée you are pregnant and by the time of the wedding you'll be heavily pregnant and airlines won't let you fly. There is your reason why you can't go. Tell in-laws too. They can hardly complain if the airline won't let you fly.

Sleepytiredyawn · 24/10/2024 18:29

I wouldn’t disclose a pregnancy just to keep the peace, they will know soon enough why and you have every right to tell people when you’re good and ready. It’s not like you’re keeping it quiet to be awkward, you have your reasons and they’re valid.

MyFairBiscuit · 24/10/2024 18:35

You need to come clean with the family. I also think your dh should go. This wedding has been planned long enough in advance.

HotCrossBunplease · 24/10/2024 18:45

caringcarer · 24/10/2024 18:29

Under these circumstances I'd tell his brother and fiancée you are pregnant and by the time of the wedding you'll be heavily pregnant and airlines won't let you fly. There is your reason why you can't go. Tell in-laws too. They can hardly complain if the airline won't let you fly.

Show quote history

Why do you think she will still be pregnant at the time of the wedding?

AiryFairyLights · 24/10/2024 18:52

MimiSunshine · 23/10/2024 08:04

  1. Travelling all day from the early hours to arriving at midnight, not even considering that delays are very much likely at some point. To then attend a wedding so he up and getting ready within a few hours of arriving. That’s a no.
  2. doing all of that with a toddler. That’s a no.
  3. Doing all of that with a newborn. After a straight forward birth, it’s a no. But what if it’s not a straight forward birth? Definitely a no. And what about passports and any possible travel inoculations the baby would need?

DH could possibly go alone but would be unreasonable to do so if it means leaving you at home with a newborn and a toddler.

while it’s understandable that the sibling wants the wedding where it is, they have to accept that you can’t go and no I wouldn’t be disclosing the pregnancy until you’re ready.

This - everything I was going to say! 💕

FlingThatCarrot · 24/10/2024 18:56

I wouldn't tell them early, they can wait until you were planning to. Getting married doesn't entitle them to know your personal information any earlier especially if there was hassle during the last pregnancy.

How they react to the simple no we can't come would probably change the size of gift I'd send. I had 2 very easy natural births and no chance would my dp be missing a newborns first few days(and nights) for a party. C-sec planned he'd definitely be staying. Also no chance I'd be sending toddler away when they're getting used to a new sibling.

Plan a wedding on the other side of the world to half the guests and you have to understand not everyone can come.

FlingThatCarrot · 24/10/2024 18:57

MyFairBiscuit · 24/10/2024 18:35

You need to come clean with the family. I also think your dh should go. This wedding has been planned long enough in advance.

It's obviously not that far in advance is it? Less than 8 months is actually the opposite for a wedding. A lot of people have their annual leave planned a year in advance!

Deeperthantheocean · 24/10/2024 19:00

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 07:54

Why can’t your husband go on his own, or take the toddler while you stay at home?

My first thought, it's his family and he go on his own surely.

GrouchyKiwi · 24/10/2024 19:00

People miss siblings' weddings and it's not the end of the world. It's life. It happens. I had one of my 6 siblings at my wedding and though I would have loved it if they could come I understood that getting married in DH's home country would mean that my siblings might not be able to be there.

I didn't go to my sister's wedding. I was 36 weeks pregnant, in the UK, wedding in NZ (where my family lives). We would have loved it if I could go, I couldn't, that was that.

If my brother told me his wife was pregnant and due to give birth just before my wedding, and had a toddler, I'd say "Of course you can't come!" and be happy with his wonderful news.

And in your situation I wouldn't be trying to go, or encouraging my husband to go, and honestly I'd probably be upset if he decided that was a better choice than being at home with post-c-section me, our newborn and our toddler.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 24/10/2024 19:02

If they were that close they would have checked dates with you first. If they did and you are now changing your mind I can see why they are upset with you given what they know. I would tell them about the pregnancy so they aren’t angry at you.

August1980 · 24/10/2024 19:12

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 07:54

Why can’t your husband go on his own, or take the toddler while you stay at home?

This. This is what we did when my sister got married. My only sibling. He stayed home with our 2 month old baby. I flew 12 hours to the wedding attended the wedding and flew home…I missed my baby so much but I wanted to please my sister too. Baby and husband and dog had a fab time….i slept (well) on the plane so when. I got home was fresh as a Daisy to look after all 3!

PrettyPickle · 24/10/2024 19:12

I wouldn't tell everyone, I would tell the happy couple and apologise, explaining (although you shouldn't have to but just to get the point across) you are pregnant and the baby is due shortly before the wedding and given the complications last time, you hadn't wanted to tell everyone during the early stages.

Explain you are only telling them as you wanted them to understand it was a genuine reason for you not attending and its the only reason you are missing their special day.

When the question comes up about why can't hubby go on his own or with the toddler, explain he needs to be with you to help with the baby and to help the siblings bond as it will be difficult enough for the toddler.

neighboursmustliveon · 24/10/2024 19:16

Who would really expect her DH to leave his wife just weeks after giving birth alone with a baby never mind adding in a toddler?

If it was somewhat local and it was one day and maybe one night then fine but he will be gone at least a week if there are only one flight a week.

I wouldn’t be particularly happy if my DH did that now if I’m honest and our kids are teenagers, (but we never go away without each other for more than 1 or 2 nights), if he even considered leaving when I had a newborn and toddler I would be furious and would have to reconsider our relationship.

Fontofallknowledge23 · 24/10/2024 19:17

Your husband should definitely go.

thebestinterest · 24/10/2024 19:18

Your husband can 100% definitely make an effort to go to his brothers wedding. And you, 💯 should be supportive and encouraging of that. Having a baby and a toddler is not a disability. Many women have done far more arduous things.

SwingTheMonkey · 24/10/2024 19:20

Christstollen · 23/10/2024 08:41

By applying for one.. it takes less than a week usually.

I am not saying the new mum should plan a trip, but a passport is not the issue here.

Show quote history

Someone has no doubt already corrected your inaccuracies here but I’ll put my 2 cents in…

You need to have a birth certificate for a passport. And appointments to register a birth can take weeks. Then, if it’s peak time at the passport office, your passport can also take weeks to arrive.

FourChimneys · 24/10/2024 19:24

One of my siblings did not go to our wedding, for similar reasons, although no overseas travel was involved.

At the time it seemed like a shame but guess what? Nobody died, nobody got upset, we have had numerous other occasions to meet up.

sheldonRockz · 24/10/2024 19:25

OP you’re not being unreasonable.

Travelling with a toddler and small baby is awful at the best of times - factor in recovering from a C section too, there’s no way you should be travelling. You also need support from your DH and it would be reasonable to expect him to be home helping you after major surgery, toddler wrangling and all that entails having a new baby.

As others have pointed out, it’d be cutting it pretty close for you getting baby a passport, you don’t know if you will have recovered enough to travel and it’s a ridiculous journey to start with.

if the in-laws are unhappy with your decision to stay home then they are the ones being unreasonable. They’re the ones that decided to get married somewhere that is a difficult journey to make, they need to manage their expectations that a lot of people will struggle to make it.

foresthump · 24/10/2024 19:25

Just tell them the honest truth...you going to give birth by c section a couple of weeks before

Thats a cast iron reason

They deserve to know the truth

Stravaig · 24/10/2024 19:31

I absolutely loathe the way MN fetishises weddings!

Why on earth should OP+DH have to disclose their pregnancy earlier than they wish to?!

If their family are decent human beings, they will accept and respect OP+DH's refusal, and without any fuss, or drama, or recriminations. They will assume that there must be a good reason for it, even if that reason is simply that OP+DH don't fancy going to the wedding.

Then, when the pregnancy is announced, it will make even more sense.

The absolute shite that people put up with from their families is of course why so many people are also in crappy romantic relationships.