For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Your pregnancy means you shouldn't travel at the time of the wedding. What you say is up to you, but the pregnancy reason sounds solid. Travelling with a toddler is obviously harder than travelling without, but if you aren't lazy and care about the people getting married you could very much do it. It's obviously up to you who you tell when about the pregnancy, but if you are going to use the toddler excuse, it's really natural that people think you are rather lazy and selfish.

Yes

If your husband is reluctant to go because of toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or not wanting to be away from you and doesn’t want to miss his own time with the baby, then that’s all that matters. His feelings are very normal and natural and perfectly reasonable.

It doesn’t matter if there are people on mumsnet who claim that they could leave their newborn baby for 3 days (a lot of parents don’t want to leave their newborn and that is perfectly natural) or they were fine to travel long haul with a toddler by themselves.

Every mum and dad I have known in real life, in the early weeks of the newborn stage are absolutely shattered, exhausted, fatigued, sleep deprived. I could see it in my friends and family but it wasn’t until I had my dc did I actually fully understand it.

It is very understandable that under those circumstances your dh is reluctant to go.

The number of pp’s going to so much effort to trivialise birth, newborn phase and being a parent to toddler and baby is sad. I wonder how many of these pp actually have children.

The bride IS getting married at home. It is not a destination wedding. It's a wedding on the country that is her family's home.

This wedding will inconvenience half of the couples relatives, wherever it's held.

And if it was held in this country it would be equally difficult for the bride's family and friends. So can we knock this 'blaming the couple for not having a destination wedding' thing on the head?

Because it’s so easy to get lots of rest with a newborn baby after abdominal surgery. Sure it’s practically a spa break

What a truly hideous reply.

Two people asking people to spend thousands and give up their annual holiday for their wedding - fine

A woman not wanting to travel long distances or be left alone with a newborn baby weeks after having major abdominal surgery- lazy and selfish.

Your priorities are wild.

'really natural'? Maybe if they're ignorant and spiteful (or lazy and selfish). How supportive of you.

@apothecarist ignore all the posters who had a section then ran a marathon a week later and think that you can do the same.

A section is major abdominal surgery, not to be taken lightly. Do what is best for you and your family. and congratulations.

So.......you are suggesting that OP and her DH are lazy and selfish for maybe not wanting to use the toddler excuse as to why they may find a venue abroad that is difficult to access in terms of distance, time, and expense?
This is one of the most patronising posts so far on this thread.
Well done!

but if you aren't lazy and care about the people getting married you could very much do it.

After a Csection, with a newborn and a toddler?
Don't be ridiculous @stichguru

It's funny how people read things and then say "you are suggesting..." inserting something opposite to what you said, implied or suggested ... try reading.

TWO THINGS
Sister thinks:
they are not going because "it wouldn't work with a toddler". Clearly people make plane journeys with toddlers often - so it isn't surprising sister is offended.
The real reason is:
OP will have just had a complicated birth and have a very young baby, because not travelling abroad post partum with a young baby is very sensible, probably even medically advised.

OP seemed to be worried about what the family thinks. So I was saying yes I get why the family might not be that sympathetic to the reason they have given.

Maybe she ought to tell them the real, absolutely sensible reason. I was kind of presuming that OP is concerned/upset about the family maybe thinking they are "too lazy" to go, because otherwise she would presumably not have posted.

Try reading your own post.

You said it's really natural they would think she's lazy and selfish, indicating that it's the norm to default to such negative thinking. Not being able to travel so far with a toddler - in fact any reason for not being able to travel - is always fine as it's within the judgement of the person doing the travelling.

The OP has already said she doesn't want to tell them about her pregnancy, so why introduce your wholly negative comment projecting what others will 'naturally' judge her to be? I would hope that explaining that they can't travel due to their toddler is fine as a place-holder, and in time they can tell the couple about the pregnancy and again, it will all be fine.

The toddler reason is good enough on its own though tbh. The grandparents have clearly forgotten what it is like to have a toddler, as have some people on this thread apparently. Perhaps in a few years' time when the bride and groom have a toddler of their own, they'll understand for themselves why expecting someone to fly long haul with a toddler and then go to a wedding the next day (where the toddler may well be unable to nap), miss the evening reception because the toddler is in bed and then fly home again is a big ask.

When you marry overseas you have to accept many loved ones won’t be able to make it, it’s a fact of life.

Someone really called op lazy wow lol

You know what’s lazy. Thinking your wedding is the bee all and end all. Demanding that guests must attend because family without a thought to their lives and finances. Without thinking that people with toddlers or even just of an age where they could get pregnant might be trying to be.

Very lazy planning on behalf of the bride and groom.

Every damn week there's a thread on here about people who think that their wedding must be the central point of everyone else's life.

I swear, if I ever win the lottery, I will pay for a national billboard campaign with posters saying "You can get married wherever you like, but you can't demand that other people pay £££ and use their annual leave to be there"

If it were just the toddler that might make people wonder why 2 adults can't manage or husband go & Op manage at home with just toddler.

That said, if they don't want to go because they don't want to have to pay for & have a week away at wherever it is, surely that's also good enough?

It's their time & money to do with as they please.

Well said @PuggyPuggyPuggy

Sarcastic response but my view is influenced by the fact that I was a single parent with a newborn and got on with it 24/7.I totally appreciate the enormity of the hard relentless work involved with caring for a newborn.

You are not being unreasonable

Your DH's family are being very unreasonable.

Ignore them - focus on yourself, your toddler and your unborn child.

DH can deal with the flak, if necessary.

Best wishes for your new addition x

But the OP isn't you. Your experience is not relevant. What is relevant is what would be best within someone's given circumstances as outlined by the OP.

Thank you, enjoy your evening

I will, and you enjoy your evening too. I don't see the point in potentially bringing the OP down when you're actually talking about completely different circumstances. If she thinks she wants things to be a certain way with a newborn - within her life as it is - then that's what people should respect and post about.

For Christ's sake. It is an invitation, not a summons, to a wedding abroad in an inconvenient destination. The OP shouldn't have to make excuses. If they don't want to go then that is their choice.