For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

To those of you who are planning to get married abroad

IT Is ABSOLUTELY NOT OK

to expect families to spend their annual holiday budget on traveling to your wedding

IF YOU WANT TO guarantee your nearest and dearest attendance then get married at home!!!

I mean essentially you are asking people to chip out thousands of pounds!

Agree this is a great solution to keep his family happy and give you some space xx

I absolutely agree. Unless of course all travel and accommodation are paid for .

I don't think you should have to tell anyone about the pregnancy until you feel confident about it op, especially if DHs sibling is immature enough to spill it to their parents if you divulged to avoid upset.

Their own previous behaviour has caused your reluctance to be completely open, this is the price.

I also don't think anyone, sibling or otherwise gets to sulk about people not attending a wedding that is so far away.
I suspect that a majority of invitees from the UK will end up not going so you won't be the only ones.

It is also lovely to hear of a husband and father choosing to put his family first during pregnancy and birth, it's his main priority to look after you at that precious time.

Absolutely. I hope this thread, and the many other similar ones, give you an insight into the trauma that’s caused by an overseas wedding invitation.

i realise the destination referred to in this post is significant to the bride, but to the OP and her family it’s pretty inaccessible (one flight per week) even without the pregnancy

It is the brides home. I assume they chose this place so her nearest and dearest could attend.

It doesn't matter why they've chosen it if the logistics just don't work for the OP and her family.

Thanks. I hadn't picked that up the first 30 thousand times you've said it.

Yuck

It is where she grew up. It doesn't sound like it is where they currently live.

Surely, surely the fact that the op has said it is fiddly to get to would have registered when they were thinking of venues?

Fine to choose a remote, tricky place to get to but they must accept with good place when guests decline.

Well wherever it is, it’s a pain to get to, surely the OP won’t be the only guest scratching her head

If that's where the bride is from, then it's going to be a tricky journey for half the guests whichever country the wedding is in.
Lots of places have no direct flights at all. It's really not that big of a deal.

It isnt a big deal but nor is declining if the once a week flight is highly inconvenient and rather restrictive. That is without throwing in a toddler, a post op dm and a newborn. Not to mention the cost. I doubt Ryanair or Jet2 are options.

@Fluufer

NO THE BRIDE IS NOT FROM THERE

And even so if it is going to
cost someone thousands of pounds to watch you marry it is absolutely ridiculous to be upset that they don’t think you are worth the cost

deluded fools comes to mind 🤣🤣🤣

There has been a massive increase in overseas weddings and we have had to forgo our own family holidays because the budget is eaten up. Now that DH’s uni and school friends are all married, I’ve said that it, no more overseas weddings for anyone else. (Looks like some of the first marriages that ended up in divorced are about to get married to wife no. 2. Even if I don’t go, it still impacts our family budget and his annual leave allowance.

I actually encouraged my husband to go on a trip to see an exhibition for 3 days away when I was 8 weeks post section and it was an absolute nightmare, my infected incision came open for the second time because I overdoing it looking after the baby. Nightmare. And then his flight was cancelled so I had an extra 24 hours of hell.

Those saying he should go really are nuts. I was a first time mother and thought I’d have recovered enough by then for him to go, but I had no idea.

Exactly, even if OP’s reason is I don’t want to spend that amount of money on travel to a wedding that would be a legitimate excuse. No one should be strong arming other people into spending £££ to attend their wedding. It’s so so rude.

To be honest I feel a bit weird about the fact that people are getting hung up on the exact date, like it's a "gotcha". I know the date implications of a c-section, so when I said the wedding is a few weeks after, it's a few weeks after.

Apologies if I made you feel that way.

I just do think there is an important difference between a few weeks later and a risk of missing the birth/few days afterwards etc which some posters were mistakenly running with

Ignore these people @apothecarist You don't have to explain yourself to ANYONE on here. Even if your baby is 5 weeks old, or even 3 months old, or even 6 months old when the wedding is happening, you still have the right to refuse to go. Especially given the fact that you will have a toddler too!

The logistics of getting to/attending this wedding sound like a nightmare from how you've described it! If your DH's sibling and their partner want to get all butthurt and salty about you not going, then let them.

Like many people who have destination wedding, they sound precious and entitled. Snubbing you and not talking to you since you said you weren't going. You've told them you're not going. They need to get over it and grow up.

.

And to be clear - I understand that some people think your DH shouldn't go even if the baby is over a month old and that's their opinion. Some people wouldn't be happy even if the baby was 6 months old. Also an opinion they are entitled to have.

But some posters were just basically making stuff up and talking about it as if you would be giving birth at the time of the wedding or immediately post partum and it does make a difference.

As I have said, my DH did a non essential but desirable work trip for a week when my second was 5 weeks. I didn't enjoy every moment but it was ok. I would have said no if my second had been a week old or he had run the risk of missing the birth by going.

Jesus holy fuck what is wrong with people?

OP knows when her baby is due and when that is in relation to this wedding. So if she says a few weeks, it's a few weeks.

Her husband doesn't even want to go to the fucking wedding, as stated more than once so I really don't understand why people are still so adamant that OP must find a way for him to attend.

OP doesn't have to tell anybody about the pregnancy before she wants to. The family can either accept they can't go or not, but them not going doesn't change so they're not actually impeding any plans.

Anyone can decline any invitation for any reason. Even moreso when said invitation is for an event in another country, requiring annual leave and silly sums of money to be spent to attend.

If your partner would leave you a few weeks post section to go to a party for a few days then you have a shit partner.

the total misery fest that the DH travelling to the wedding with the toddler would be
But it's the impact on her that's the substantive issue. Travelling with a toddler doesn't have to be hell - but that's a more minor consideration in this case.

she wouldn't have "just" given birth anyway, she would be over a month from giving birth
The OP has said it will be a few weeks after - so not 'over a month'. Maybe you haven't had a c-section but most advice is that recovery usually takes 6-8 weeks if the surgery is without complications.

EG https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/giving-birth/caesarean-section/recovering-home-after-c-section
"It usually takes about 6 weeks to recover from your c-section but this will depend on your individual situation. If you had any problems during or after your c-section, or if you’re looking after other children at home, you may feel you need more time to recover."

And so what if you think the DH will be back at work? Do you think he won't be there in the evenings? Maybe the OP had bad PND last time. Maybe she doesn't have any other support. Maybe her DH is a baby whisperer and she needs him to take over when he gets home. It doesn't really matter at all what you or anyone else thinks - if the OP wants him there when recovering from a C-section and with a baby that's just a few weeks old, than that should be his priority.

To be honest, if it’s less than 2 months after the birth, the logistics are irrelevant- you are unlikely to get a passport in time for the new baby.

Tell your DHs sibling about the baby, that it will be just a few weeks old and as such, you will be unable to travel internationally as you are unlikely to be able to get the baby registered and a passport in time. It’s not that you don’t want to go, it’s not that the travel will be difficult it’s not that the toddler will be tired, those are all true - but the important thing is you can’t take the baby out of the country so you can’t go.