For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Another thought is it the actual legal ceremony (not all countries can marry you legally as a British citizen you can check) if not say dh (or you all) will go to their uk legal marriage ceremony.

Given it is his sibling, he should normally try to go, but depending on what exactly “a few weeks” means he just might not be available.

If you are having a C-section, you need to physically recover. It’s not just a matter of toughing it out for a few days. I know my C-section was more invasive than average, but the recovery was rough. I could not have been on my own for several days with just our newborn for the first 6 weeks and definitely not a newborn and a toddler. I couldn’t even safely carry the baby up and down the stairs for the first couple of weeks. DH had to move us from floor to floor of the house.

What about the brand new baby? Does she leave it at home?

Because they left it months to explain why they wouldn't go to the wedding. It's unnecessary.

The OP has already explained why she's not keen to announce early. Perhaps if the family had been less intrusive during her last pregnancy or if the couple could be trusted not to spread the news around, she would feel differently. She shouldn't feel bullied into sharing her pregnancy news earlier than she had planned in order to justify not going to a wedding in a difficult to reach location abroad. They've already said they're not going, finding out the "real" reason why in a couple of months' time as opposed to right now changes nothing in terms of organisation for the couple.

Because a caesarean is a major abdominal surgery and she will still need his help 5-7 weeks later.
And that’s just the physical aspect of having a newborn, without going into the emotional aspects

If they expect your DH to still go they're nuts. If you had a car crash a couple weeks before resulting in surgery and a hospital stay, no one would be expecting him to fuck off and leave you with a newborn and potentially toddler for a week. They'd tell you to leave him if he wanted to. Why does the fact it's a c section mean you don't deserve to be looked after by your DH?

He should be using his paternity leave and annual leave to spend as much time with you and his new baby as possible. Not wasting a week to go to a ridiculously inconvenient wedding in the arse end of nowhere several hours away.

Do you have any help available from your side of the family OP?

I appreciate that this thread is not about whether or not DH could or should go. You just asked whether you should mention the pregnancy now, in the context of declining.

However, if the event got closer and your DH had a change of heart, could you get your own family involved to help at all? Had similar happened to us when my child was small I could very easily imagine my late Mum being only too happy to help my husband attend a sibling’s wedding, because she would have felt it was a very important occasion.

Yes? I'm just answering your question. The sibling is not responsible for the behaviour of the family. Don't expect the sibling to feel a right idiot when they find out about the baby - which is what I was responding to. As far as they are concerned, they've been told their brother won't attend the wedding and that's it.

and giving birth has huge repercussions on the woman and the family!
surprised it needs spelling out…..
OP has experienced complications and will be having a C Section. This is major abdominal surgery.

@saraclara

Yet tens of thousands of parents travel abroad with their toddlers every year. Seriously, give it a break. This is Mumsnet. At least 90% of responders, at a guess, will have or have had toddlers.

The OP's situation is a COMPLETELY different scenario to just travelling abroad with toddlers and a newborn - though most people would not be daft enough to put themselves through this, despite your insistence that many would.

ALSO.

I don't know who you think you are, but you do NOT get to tell me to 'give it a break.' You're not the boss of the forum. Don't talk to me again. I'm done with you.

Exactly this. SO many utterly batshit responses on this thread about how it's just FINE to be swanning off around the world to a destination wedding, just DAYS after a fucking c-section, with a newborn and toddler in tow. And how soooooo many people do it. 🙄

No they don't. No-one I know would do this. So people can stop trying to pretend that they and everyone they know would!

I haven't read all of the replies but I imagine how awful some of them are.

You are absolutely not in the wrong. Whilst wedding's are lovely and bla bla, you are pregnant and clearly shouldn't be flying so heavily pregnant.

You need your husband at home too so those ridiculous people telling him to go are foolish.

You've told them you can't go, so just leave it. Let them be mad. They likely won't be thrilled when you announce your pregnancy but who cares, they'll get over it.

Please just let this go. No point wasting any more energy on it. And huge congratulations on your pregnancy.

I honestly never understand why two people choosing to get married abroad can ever be annoyed when people choose not to attend. It is the drawback of getting married abroad! If I was OP I’d let them all get on with sulking and tell everyone about the pregnancy when you choose to. If they want to act like children that’s on them. I wouldn’t waste time trying to appease grown adults.

Not overly relevant when I was answering if I had ever flown with a toddler.

It's hardly about 'positive upsides' for the DH - it's more like negative downsides for his wife who has just given birth to his child if he isn't there

I was addressing the people who were harping on about the total misery fest that the DH travelling to the wedding with the toddler would be.

And for the last time - she wouldn't have "just" given birth anyway, she would be over a month from giving birth. At that point her DH would be back at work anyway.

Yeah, that's right around the time she'll probably be counting down the minutes until he gets home from work so she can catch a break.

I completely agree

Oh that gives me horrible flash backs!

I am sure she could manage for a few days.

I did - and it wasn't the best time of my life but I would happily do it for my DH to not miss a sibling's wedding

Good for you but neither the OP nor her husband want to!

The OP posted in order to get opinions on what others think - I am entitled to mine.

The OP has detailed her life story and inner most feelings the way some people are talking. Dear God.
I do wonder though, the mumsnetter who can never let their DH out of their sight, they must be the same ones who wonder why they don't have any friends and family...

Given the likely c section and how close to that the event is , I would be upset if dh went