For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

Why would people get the arse about ppl not coming. Its their wedding and as long as they are there that is what matters.
Things are hard enough in life without the pressure to take a family overseas for a wedding jeez.

OK well I think perhaps your experience is unusual. Most weddings will involve a daytime ceremony and then a wedding breakfast and evening reception.

My toddlers are pretty adaptable but the idea of putting them through a day of disruption and excitement and then expecting them to stay awake through an evening meal without crying or having a tantrum is just wild, even without a long haul flight the day before and possible jet lag. This is just too much to expect from a young child.

If the OP wasn't pregnant and they were really committed to going then she and her husband could tag team. But since she can't go and he'd be on his own with the toddler, if the toddler can't cope and has a meltdown, either during the ceremony or the reception, the OP's husband will have to take him away. And frankly, if the OP's husband ends up back at the hotel room by 9pm, staring at his phone screen in the dark, possibly having not even eaten the meal the bride and groom have paid for, there is absolutely zero point in him being there.

One couple brought their 15 month old to our wedding and might have set up a travel cot in a corner for her at some point. But we got married in the place where they live, so there was no travel tiredness or jet lag to factor in, and if it had been a disaster they would have just called it a night and gone home.

If you're having a C section, I don't think your DH should be leaving you at all.

If it weren't for the pregnancy, I think it would be reasonable to expect that your DH went even if the flight/distance set-up wasn't going to work for you all. Given your due date and the expectation of a C section, it's obviously not unreasonable for you all to skip it.

But if you don't tell the family about the pregnancy, they obviously can't be expected to understand that. If you're reluctant to share your news it's obviously your prerogative not to, but you can't expect them to be psychic and should expect some grumbing or pushback about the wedding. And if you then announce it later, don't be surprised if people feel you wrongfooted them into reacting unreasonably. I'm afraid I think it's a no-win for you unless you announce your pregnancy earlier than you'd otherwise like to.

I respectfully disagree about my comments being dramatic.
But that's fine as we're all grown-ups here with different opinions.
But it's quite patronising, condescending and insulting to infer that I couldn't have spared my DH for a few days whilst I was at home with a toddler and new baby, but you, and lots of people, could.
In my case the situation never arose, so it's academic anyway.
But the OP started this thread because it concerns her.
It isn't actually about me, or you, or "lots of people", is it?

This. I really don't think he should even be considering it as an option, OP! Honestly, it would be crazy if your extended family didn't understand it... 🙏

I was just thinking this - yeah leave the toddler with mum who will either be pregnant or dealing with after effects of a c section! It's ridiculous

I would have thought the birth of your second child would be the once in a lifetime event. Posters suggesting he misses that and misses supporting his wife through a C-section seem absolutely mad. I cannot understand the thought process of posters valuing a wedding over supporting a woman having a baby.

I lost so much blood (and had other issues) after my section I couldn’t hold my baby, my husband did all the skin to skin, held the baby to my breast to feed etc. I was in for a week, and was extremely sick with an infection incision. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone but him in the theatre with me holding my hand, and certainly wouldn’t have wanted my husband the baby’s father to miss out on looking after my baby when I couldn’t. (It was so understaffed at my hospital they asked my husband to stay for the duration of my stay).

You could have had a c-section without your DH there? You could have looked after a new baby and a toddler after a C-section? Wow what a cool woman you are 🙄

No one is suggesting he misses the birth of his child or supporting his wife afterwards.

Just that a few weeks after that, he could be away for 2-3 days.

But isn’t 2-3 days it’s seven as there are only flights once a week.

And how will they know when she is going to have the section, my date changed from bang on the due date to two weeks earlier, my friends was delayed till days later because of emergency sections and staff shortages.

And what happens about their toddler?

Cool wife looks after the toddler of course, post section with a newborn, it’s mumsnet, nothing should get in the way of going to a wedding. 😅 Madness. Especially given she won’t be allowed to lift the toddler for weeks 🤣🤣🤣 and not even allowing for all the things that can cause complicated recoveries.

The OP has said there are also connecting flights so he could take one to be back faster

She is due "a few weeks" before the wedding - so it's very hard to see how she won't be a few weeks post birth

Toddler can go with DH.

Have you ever met a toddler?

Did you read OPs posts? C Section. She's not going to be gallivanting around leaving a newborn and toddler at home a few weeks post C Section. Good grief.

Most of the PP suggesting husband swan off for a week to his siblings wedding leaving wife at home with newborn and toddler after a C section would be shouting LTB on another thread @apothecarist.

I just don't understand why people keep making stuff up here - the OP has been pretty clear that the timings are such that there isn't a question of her DH missing the birth.

It's totally reasonable to have a different opinion about travelling when he will have a small baby without making stuff up.

Of course. I have even flown with mine and taken them to weddings

Have you ever done an 18 hour journey alone with a toddler, arriving in a strange location after midnight, and then expected them to cope with a full day and evening at a wedding the next day without your partner for support, possibly whilst also dealing with jet lag?

Would you keep the toddler up late on the night of the wedding as well as the night before, or would you put them to bed and then stay with them, missing the rest of the wedding reception? Or would you put them to bed and rejoin the rest of the party, taking the risk that no harm would come to them?

Would you really expect your toddler to manage all of that without having a meltdown?

Would you expect to enjoy any of it?

Honestly, the mind boggles.

Did you miss the part about how long it takes to get to the venue and arriving at midnight, with a toddler, when the wedding is the next day and that's the shortest journey option.

this has got weird - planned c sections for medical reasons are usually planned for 38 weeks. If the baby is due a few weeks before the wedding then she will have had the baby probably a month before. but that’s still not enough time to get a passport unless you are really on it, so she and the baby defiantly can’t go.

if the wedding is more like a month or so after the birth, and if she’s got family around who can help out, her dh could go for a few days (there’s only one direct flight a week, there are longer journeys and one man on his own could do the more complex journey to make it just 2-3 days away).

Telling the sibling getting married the truth now is the best option, it allows the DH to explain why it’s a definite no for the OP, and possibly if she’s got a straight forward birth and heals well he might be able to go, but this is why they can’t commit (and if numbers need confirming early, it’s a no).

I do understand the desire to be secretive about pregnancies early on but this is one of those occasions it’s just easier to be open and explain.

No

this has got weird - planned c sections for medical reasons are usually planned for 38 weeks. If the baby is due a few weeks before the wedding then she will have had the baby probably a month before.

At least a month before - if not more like 6 weeks before. "A few" usually means 3-5 plus as you say likely c section at 38 weeks so the baby would be 5-7 weeks old.

I really don't understand why people are banging on about him risking missing the birth or her only just having had the baby