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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For us all to miss family wedding

593 replies

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 07:51

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:20

TENSsion · 23/10/2024 13:14

Me and my brother are very close. I would never expect him to leave his new born baby and post-surgery wife this to attend my wedding.
If you choose to have your wedding abroad, you have to accept that a few important people won’t be able to come.
He’d very selfish to expect your husband’s attendance and I think he’d be mortified looking back on it if/ when he has his own children.

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Amen to this too. Breathtakingly selfish for the OP's partner's sibling to get all arsey because they are not getting their own way, and to blank them and the OP for saying they can't come. Pathetic, childish, toddler behaviour. Seen it before in people who have destination weddings. Have a big wedding abroad and then throw their toys out of the pram and stamp their feet when half the people they invite can't/won't go!

Anyway, I have a job to get back to, and my lunch break is done - so I'm off. Enjoy! (Said all I can say anyway, and would only be repeating myself at this point!)

Yeah say you're glad I'm gone. I don't care. 😆

TENSsion · 23/10/2024 13:21

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:20

Did you ever take your toddler to a family wedding the day after flying long haul though?

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And after three weeks of no sleep, looking after wife post-surgery etc..

Trimalata · 23/10/2024 13:23

And god forbid, the father might have feelings about leaving his wife and small child/children, too.

Anyway, OP, I wouldn't tell them about the pregnancy any sooner than you want to, and if they have a tantrum, I'd have one right back about them daring to expect you to be left on your own post-birth.

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:25

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:20

Did you ever take your toddler to a family wedding the day after flying long haul though?

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A friends, yes. I also fucked up and booked our room at the wrong venue about half an hour drive away. I’m famously organised…

GRex · 23/10/2024 13:26

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

It would be just 3 days; he flies out in the am, wedding next day and back the day after. For a sibling wedding, that does seem fair. Do you have any family who could come to help for 3 days?

I'm not sure why there is strong resistance to a double flight, fairly common to some locations.

TopshopCropTop · 23/10/2024 13:26

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2024 10:25

@TopshopCropTop Without knowing that you are pregnant if it was my brother I would be fucking fuming. I think you need to tell them

Maybe you have missed the flight aspect? If people want to have overseas destination weddings that’s perfectly fine, but to expect others to jump on a plane, jetset off, take extended time from work (esp for places with limited flights in/out), is utterly taking the piss, and they must expect a number of people to give it a swerve. I’ve already told all mine that if it’s a wedding involving a flight and more than a day off work, I’ll be sending a card😆. That’s for my own kids. Like hell I’d be doing it for anyone else.

I appreciate the bride/groom may be from two different countries, and I’ve known a lot of people in this situation. They have all had the ‘official’ wedding in one country then the ‘fake’ one in the other country. Families and friends only attended the one held in their own countries. One couple I know recently did this 6 or 8 months apart as they wanted good weather in both countries for it and they were in different hemispheres.

I guess it just depends on how close your family is. We live in the UK, my husband is Australian and his full family flew over here for our wedding and wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

kiraric · 23/10/2024 13:31

I do think people are coming at it with different assumptions - mine would be that assuming normal relationships, the DH here would also experience some positive upsides from being there with his sibling and family and so the unbridled misery of a flight with a toddler would have some upside.

But Mumsnet is always so miserable about weddings and relationships outside the nuclear family..

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:32

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:25

A friends, yes. I also fucked up and booked our room at the wrong venue about half an hour drive away. I’m famously organised…

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What did you do about naps and bedtime?

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:33

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:32

What did you do about naps and bedtime?

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In his pushchair, or the hotel room bed. If you have children have they never napped outside their own home?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:34

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:33

In his pushchair, or the hotel room bed. If you have children have they never napped outside their own home?

Edited
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Ha. Mine wouldn't nap in the pushchair after about 9 months old.

Did you leave him alone in the hotel room?

MsNeis · 23/10/2024 13:34

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2024 11:47

I also think you should strenuously resist any family suggestions of DH going on his own or with toddler. Its one of the main times in your life where you are going to NEED him to be physically present and on hand for emotional and physical support. An overseas wedding simply doesn't outweigh that.

There is always uncertainty around a birth and how everyone feels afterwards and how much recovery time they need. DH family will just have to accept that. I find it hard to think that they wouldn't have some appreciation for this.

You want the security of knowing that you have DH's backup. Not the insecurity of wondering what you would do if this, or if that. With a blooming C section you are going to need your DH's care. No question. I am fully sympathetic to the fact that single mothers may or may not have access to that kind of support and still manage, because they have to. But when you do have the support available, why deny yourself?

The only priority here is that you and your DH do what is best for the health and comfort of both of you, your new baby, and your toddler - not worry about relatives disapproving.

When you are all recovered and feeling mobile you can ALL get together with them and celebrate then.

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Fundamental points made by @IsitanIssue and @DuckbilledSplatterPuff...
I can't believe some responses, in a site for mums of all places!

saraclara · 23/10/2024 13:37

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 23/10/2024 13:15

How lovely for you that it was an absolute DREAM travelling extensively with your toddlers! 🙄 The reality for many is nothing like this. The description on the post I quoted will be more like the reality for many.

This thread is batshit!

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Yet tens of thousands of parents travel abroad with their toddlers every year.

Seriously, give it a break. This is Mumsnet. At least 90% of responders, at a guess, will have or have had toddlers.

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:37

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:34

Ha. Mine wouldn't nap in the pushchair after about 9 months old.

Did you leave him alone in the hotel room?

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Why would I leave my child alone in a hotel room, is that something you routinely do?

Genevieva · 23/10/2024 13:38

apothecarist · 23/10/2024 12:45

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

Edited

My suggestion is that you don’t mention the planned and scheduled Caesarian. This is because it means you could do without giving them a precise birth date. It’s clearly unreasonable for your husband to leave the mother of a toddler a week or two after a Caesarian, but if they haven’t experienced it, they may not know this. Instead, there is every possibility you could be in labour on the day of the wedding. They can’t expect your husband to miss the birth of his baby and to leave you unsupported in labour. Especially given how high risk you are. If they suggest a planned Caesarian, you simply say that they would decide that nearer the time, depending on how the pregnancy progresses. Obviously they will know baby has been born before the wedding, but by that point the wedding reception will have been planned to the last detail. It will be too late.

BirthdayRainbow · 23/10/2024 13:38

I wouldn't accept your in-laws telling the parents though. Not on if you want it kept just to them for now. You're already telling them sooner than you want to salve their annoyance.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:39

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:37

Why would I leave my child alone in a hotel room, is that something you routinely do?

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Well, no. But if you are with your child while they sleep in the hotel room, you are not at the wedding, are you?

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:41

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:39

Well, no. But if you are with your child while they sleep in the hotel room, you are not at the wedding, are you?

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I’m yet to attend a night time wedding, I’m fairly sure they’re not common place.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 23/10/2024 13:41

You should definitely tell them about the pregnancy.

Even if something went wrong - you’d want them no know that the reasons you weren’t coming were fairly strong ones.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:42

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:41

I’m yet to attend a night time wedding, I’m fairly sure they’re not common place.

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I've never been to a wedding that was finished by the time most toddlers go to bed. What sort of weddings do you go to?

Amyknows · 23/10/2024 13:44

SunsetSkylane · 23/10/2024 07:58

Your husband should go.

And leave op with a newborn and toddler?

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:46

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 13:42

I've never been to a wedding that was finished by the time most toddlers go to bed. What sort of weddings do you go to?

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I’ve never been to a wedding that went to beyond about 4pm after a 40ish minute service, theres always plenty time for naps between the food and main reception, I’ve not been to any christian ones though, so I don’t know if they go on for a very long time or are typically held at night. But theres nothing stopping you from keeping a toddler up later than usual, they’re not going to explode or anything.

cout · 23/10/2024 13:46

@Simonjt

You didn't actually give birth though mate.

Simonjt · 23/10/2024 13:47

cout · 23/10/2024 13:46

@Simonjt

You didn't actually give birth though mate.

And?

HMW1906 · 23/10/2024 13:47

Just tell them it’s not practical for you to be able to attend, they’ll soon find out the real reason.

TumbledTussocks · 23/10/2024 13:51

We were in this position but with a better choice of flights and didn't go. There was no way I'd fit to travel after a c-section and you're meant to be laying in and getting feeding established, lots of skin to skin + doting on and including toddler to help with transition. It's unfortunate but it's just terrible timing.

Tell them you'd love to do something together to celebrate separately.

Also tell DH's before they do.