For us all to miss family wedding

[apothecarist]

One of DH's siblings is getting married overseas next summer. The wedding is where the sibling's partner grew up and still has family, so understandable why they chose it.

It is quite fiddly to get to and from, however - looks like we'd arrive at the venue after midnight, having got up in the very early hours, and the wedding would then be that day. Wouldn't be the end of the world for just the two of us, but we have a toddler, and have just found out I'm pregnant and due a few weeks before the wedding.

DH decided told his sibling (apologetically) that it unfortunately wouldn't work with toddler and so we wouldn't be coming. Sibling seemed to take it ok at the time but hasn't spoken to us since. DH's parents on the other hand have said we're letting his sibling down by not making it work with toddler, who should definitely come.

We weren't planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for a little while. I had complications last time and the scrutiny got a bit intense. But in the circumstances would it be better to come clean? And presumably if we do that they would accept us all staying at home and leave it there?

With a new born that might not have even arrived if she goes over her due date? Give over!

Why do people keep saying this?

She is due a few weeks before the wedding and having a scheduled c section.

Unless she is using some weird definition of a few, there is absolutely no way the baby won't have arrived 3-6 weeks ahead of the wedding.

Yeah and in the weeks after my husband went back to work I was climbing the walls by 6pm and counting down the minutes until he got home and could take the baby off me for a few minutes.

I am married to someone from "overseas" and got married "overseas" (although nowhere anywhere near as complicated to get to) and you'd better believe that when some people declined the invitation I accepted that with a good grace.

Yeah this. ^ Some ludicrous bloody posts on this thread.

@apothecarist You need to tell your sibling and their partner that you are pregnant and will have a toddler and newborn by the time the wedding fate is here. (And that you are not going.) Your DH isn't going either. Like fuck is he going to leave you alone with a toddler and a newborn.

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They can do what they like, except dictate how other people spend their time and money!

OP is there anyone in your family that can come and stay with you? I think you should explore all the options to get your DH to the wedding (with or without toddler) as it is his sibling.

Exactly! Like I have said SEVERAL TIMES - get married on the bloody moon if you want, but don't piss and moan - or get all huffy and sniffy and stop talking to people, when many people refuse to attend. (THIS is what the OP's sibling is doing. They've been blanking them, for saying they can't come! How fucking childish and pathetic!)

She has already got a toddler, so even without being pregnant on top, it's a big ask. I wouldn't be going!

!

@FancyBiscuitsLevel To be fair its not a destination wedding - it’s where the brides family is from and their family live

But it is. As I said previously, we’ve had a fair few youngsters where I now work get married in the past two years, I think a few delayed with the Covid debacle maybe? They were all in this position, and they all had a wedding in each country for the people in that country. They didn’t expect one side to haul ass across the world to the other country. One was half a year later as they wanted a spring/summer wedding in each country which are half a globe apart. Another recently ‘got married’ here and confessed they actually got married a year prior in the other country with the other family. They had the photos from that as a slideshow at their wedding here. I don’t think people bother getting the marriages recognised in the other country if that makes sense so it’s a legal wedding in each country, that’s what it sounds like anyway the way they all seem to do it? Some have another full wedding, others have a slimmed down celebration/party rather than full shebang. So, it’s a choice as to how it’s done and who you choose to inconvenience.

I'd let them all get pissed off with you, then when you're ready tell them the due date of your baby. They'll feel like right idiots.

All of this.

Can you imagine it? Waking your toddler before dawn to go to the airport, on your own with all the stuff both you and the toddler will need for the wedding and however many days you have to spend in this location. Toddler probably having a meltdown due to the disruption to their routine, not being able to take naps on their usual schedule etc. Then the next day you wake up in a strange place, possibly in a different time zone, possibly with unusual food your toddler decides not to eat. You go to the wedding, which probably clashes with when your toddler needs to nap. If your toddler has a meltdown during the ceremony due to all the above factors you have to take them out and miss it because you have no adult there with you to tag team. Rinse and repeat all day long. By the evening meal, your toddler: (a) has fallen asleep in a corner somewhere, (b) is having a meltdown due to exhaustion and too much excitement, or (c) has already been taken back to the hotel room, by you, which means you're missing the evening part as well and might as well have not bothered coming.

Then you wait however many days you're imprisoned in the wedding location until the next flight back home, do the whole journey in reverse, and return to your wife who has been all alone with the newborn.

It's absolutely bonkers that people are even suggesting this. I thought Mumsnet was a site for people who know a thing or two about having toddlers.

wow, is that really how family relations work?

As ridiculous and dramatic as some posters might be, I find it quite sad that people - on paper - seem to be in a constant war against everyone, trying to win point and make everybody's life as miserable as possible.

I get that not everyone is close to their siblings, but with the attitude of some MN posters, you can see why.

Same posters who will possibly become MIL (or FIL) one day. You can understand the problem.

WHY would you want your brother to feel like "right idiot" when any normal human being would just say: due to give birth around that time, no travel possible. How hard can it be?

I think in the circumstances the family would be more understanding if they knew the reason, At the moment they have received a no from DH using toddler as an excuse. While that would be difficult his family are not seeing that as a show stopper for attending his sibling’s wedding ( rightly or wrongly they are perceiving this as you just not making a bit more effort ) . I suspect they would be more understanding if you told them about our pregnancy, they know you had complications first time around and also you can mention that you wouldn’t get a fit to fly / insurance so soon after the birth. They can’t argue with any of that or feel it’s unreasonable.

You say you weren’t going to announce your pregnancy this early but under the circumstances for family dynamics and harmony I would at least tell your DPIL and DH sibling.

Having travelled extensively with my own toddler, I recognise none of what you described.

That said, by the sound of it, imprisoned in the wedding location until the next flight back home 😂😂 I have never tried to make things as dramatic and unbearable as I possibly could.

I love travelling with my kids. If you are that high maintenance, emotional and frantic about everything, indeed you probably won't have a good time.

Thanks again, everyone. Having read through all the replies it is pretty clear that we'll need to navigate it quite carefully even having told them about the baby, as a lot of people would still expect DH to go. That is really helpful to know. He personally is very reluctant to go in the circumstances (toddler trying to get used to new baby here without him, or us being split - also missing his own time with the baby) but I appreciate from the responses we'll need to be delicate in how we approach it.

So would you have had to go for a week if you were going?

No they won't. Why would they? If anything they'll be more annoyed.

I’m really surprised at all the people saying the Dh should go. Most dad’s I know wouldn’t want to leave their newborn baby so soon. Dads love their babies too and want to bond with baby just as much as Mums do.

"as a lot of people would still expect DH to go"

I honestly don't imagine that to be the case, outside of the MN supermums who'd cheerfully wave off their husbands ten seconds after giving birth to play golf or whatever because they don't need any help...

"Why isn't Dave here?"
"Maureen just gave birth three weeks ago"
"Ah, that explains it"

That's likely to be the extent of any judgment most people would pass.

Seriously? She's due a few weeks before the wedding.

You can go up to 2 weeks over.

What if she needs a c section and would then have to cope alone with a newborn and a toddler?

Also, as if the husband would want to go abroad when he's just had a beautiful, tiny baby.

The bride hasn't pissed and moaned, either. Are you making up your own OP?

He's not going away to war though....he's going to take a few days to attend his sibling's wedding and be back right after. being away from a baby for 3-4 days will not affect him bonding with the baby. The wedding is weeks after the baby is born too so it won't be a newborn.

Of course they do.

But a few days apart isn't really a calamity. The OP has acknowledged that there are other flight options with connections so he could go for 2-3 days.

My DH did a non essential work trip for a week when DS2 was 5 weeks old and DS1 was 2. It wasn't the most fun for me but he is generally a very equal parent and it hasn't exactly affected their bond.

He could say something like, "We can tell that you are upset that we can't come to the wedding and that you don't think having a toddler is a good enough excuse. The additional context is that @apothecarist is pregnant and due a couple of weeks before the wedding. Obviously she and the new baby won't be able to travel, and I'm not the kind of husband who would leave my wife to take care of a newborn alone in the aftermath of a C-section. Not to mention that if I did go without her, I'd have to bring the toddler, which means I'd most likely miss large parts of the wedding anyway as he obviously won't be able to go all day without a nap and then stay awake through an evening party. Sorry about the timing but there's nothing we can do. Perhaps we could have an alternative family celebration either before or afterwards in the UK for the people who aren't able to make it."

I know a lot about having toddlers. I even travelled with them. Nothing was as remotely dramatic as you imply.

Expats frequently make complex long haul flights with babies and toddlers. You make it sound like climbing Everest.