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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Caustic friend

135 replies

AngelInBlueJeans · 22/10/2024 23:14

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

OP posts:
CluelessAboutBiology · 22/10/2024 23:20

YABU to call this woman a friend. She is clearly not.

Hillrunning · 22/10/2024 23:25

She's not a friend. She is someone horrible you know. I'm sorry she is being this way. I have a few people that I can't avoid that make similar (you are beneath me) comments. I try to give neutral tone responses semi related comments back. 'I'd never use crappy box dye' gets a 'I dyed it on Saturday and although I didn't like it then, I do now'. A commet about her private education might get a follow up from me on how I'd spotted that the nearby private school has changed thier uniform. Its not so far off that you are obviously ignoring them but far off enough that if they tried to return to it they would look odd.

Circumferences · 22/10/2024 23:31

She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish

That's called being a bitch??
Other people must have noticed her remarks surely. Build other relationships in the community.
Well done for keeping your cool so far!

Juliagreeneyes · 22/10/2024 23:33

She sounds awful! Difficult in a small community. I don’t think there’s much you can do, apart from not rise to the bait, keep neutral/pleasant/open but try not to give her anything further as far as you can, eg. bland pleasant responses as a pp says above. Avoid complaining about her but I bet if you keep your ears open someone else will! People notice who is bitchy or rude and who isn’t. It sounds unpleasant to have to deal with though, OP. Don’t feel like you have to treat her as if she’s a friend - she isn’t. She’s an acquaintance you have to be wary of, so be pleasant but not intimate or friendly.

BusyMum47 · 23/10/2024 08:47

She's not a friend, she's a bully & a bitch!

No way I'd tolerate that treatment - small community or not. I'd have to confront her the next time she makes a vile comment. Then what will be, will be. Life is too short for crap like that.

Screamingabdabz · 23/10/2024 08:50

YABU to trot out the line “we’ve worked extremely hard” when talking about your wealth and privilege. Lots of low wage people work extremely hard.

Catza · 23/10/2024 08:53

Why don't you just address it with her directly How much worse can it get, really.
"I don't appreciate you commenting on my choice of shoes. Please don't do this in the future". "How we are spending our money is our private business. I will not be discussing it with you again". "I am well aware of your education. You don't need to remind me" and so on.

Pumpkinsandchutney · 23/10/2024 08:55

She's very envious of you.

Keep "Are you feeling ok?" (with a head tilt), or the MN standard "Did you mean to be so rude?" up your sleeve for her next bitchy comment . They usually work!

lightrage · 23/10/2024 08:58

WTF? why are you calling this person a "friend"? she's not a friend, she is nasty horrible bitch. She's calling your clothes "cheap rubbish".

Next time she comments on your shoes or whatever call her out FGS, every single time. Eg "did you mean for that to be insulting?" it will force her to clarify her comment. Do it every single time. You dont have to put up with people being vile to you simply because you live in a small community.

tygertygers · 23/10/2024 09:01

All you need to say is "that was really rude, Margery." No need to be confrontational, just matter of fact. Don't let her walk over you.

WomenInConstruction · 23/10/2024 09:01

She is burning with jealousy.
The fact that she had privelages but isn't (I'm guessing) in as secure a position as you are.
You won't be able to charge her perceptions because it is everything to do with her own entitlement + resentments.

The best thing you can do is

  • put her firmly out of the 'friend' box in your mind
  • Treat her with exemplary civility but nothing beyond basic good neighbour level of warmth and no favours etc
  • Every time she says something catty, expect it and have a stock phrase ready, something incredibly bland... pause briefly and say 'what an interesting point of view' and move on.
  • Grey rock her (Google it if you don't know)
  • If anyone talks about her remain entirely neutral and commit no comments to the conversation beyond mildly nodding along (so as not to create awkward politics between mutual friends)

Imagine being a professional floating above it all.
Don't engage, don't react, don't create rifts.

People will see what she's doing and what you're doing and they'll see for themselves who is just getting on with life and who has the knives out.

Canalboat · 23/10/2024 09:01

She sounds truly awful and needs to wind her neck in. Difficult to escape people in a small community and if you confront she may well turn it on you in some way so you need to be careful how you do that. I would stay neutral if it was me. She’s obviously jealous of you and making herself feel better by putting you down. Other people will notice.

W0tnow · 23/10/2024 09:06

What do you do when she says these things? Do you say something awkwardly to fill the silence? If you can’t bring yourself to say ‘that was rude’, like a previous poster suggested, I think it’s better to just look at her with eyebrows raised and let her words just hang in silence.

saraclara · 23/10/2024 09:07

tygertygers · 23/10/2024 09:01

All you need to say is "that was really rude, Margery." No need to be confrontational, just matter of fact. Don't let her walk over you.

That.

Something as blatant as calling your shoes cheap rubbish, doesn't deserve to be pussyfooted around.

Just say the above and then turn away and occupy yourself with something/someone else.

saraclara · 23/10/2024 09:11

If you're close with other people in the village, is there someone you can ask if you've done something to offend her? I'm as sure as I can be that you haven't, but it will open up an opportunity for the other friend to let you know what they think of her, whether it truly is you, or whether everyone else finds her unpleasant too.

catstaff47 · 23/10/2024 09:13

When she says things like that, just look at her with a slightly amused expression. Don't give her a reaction. She is ridiculous.

EveryKneeShallBow · 23/10/2024 09:13

tygertygers · 23/10/2024 09:01

All you need to say is "that was really rude, Margery." No need to be confrontational, just matter of fact. Don't let her walk over you.

This is the way. No edge, not passive aggressive but just factually telling her she has been rude. Then turn/walk away, carry on as you were. If she tries to come back at you, just say “No, I’m not discussing it, Margery, you were rude”.

BeensOnToost · 23/10/2024 09:16

"Each to their own. Buying M&S means i can afford to donate to things that matter to me like building community and supporting the village events. Your shoes are lovely. Where did you get them...?"

sofaofchange · 23/10/2024 09:16

I agree with PP about calling her out - she certainly deserves it, but if you are concerned about her gossiping to others about you and telling them that you are the rude one then I'd personally go super passive aggressive in retaliation, and I'd have some bloody good fun with it!

Eg. "I'd never wear such cheap rubbish" - I'd respond with a silent pause and a very concerned look and say "are you ok?" if she says yes, why, I'd say "you seem really quite upset about my shoes, are you REALLY ok?" then watch her splutter. If she comes out with more insults about the shoes I'd then say "can I help in any way, my shoes seem to be making you really, really angry- do you need someone to talk to?"

Next time she goes on about her education I'd say "Yes, you have mentioned this many times, is there something you'd like to talk about?- was it a bad experience?" and if she says no, it was wonderful then I'd say "oh thats good, its just that you keep mentioning it so I wondered if something bothered you about it?"

Frame everything you respond to her as a concern she isnt well - it will highlight her weird comments but equally if anyone asks you about it you can say "I'm a bit concerned about X, I hope she's ok, I have offered to chat to her if she needs anything". You will come out looking like a concerned friend and it will highlight that her comments are making her look well, quite mental really. The bonus is that for every insult she throws you, you deliberately misunderstand it and that will make her very frustrated and more likely to fluster her and out herself as nasty 😁

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 23/10/2024 09:16

I'm currently having similar issue with a 'friend' and after 4 years of following the general (and wise) advice on this thread, I have now had enough. It is draining to be treated badly, be the bigger person and pretend not to notice/be affected by the behaviour. I think you can ignore it for so long but then it becomes a form of bullying after a while. Yes, other people might see it as well but they can't (and shouldn't) do anything about it so at some point we do have to say enough is enough. I agree with not involving or talking to others but I also think you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she is rude. Something along the lines of "It's a shame your private school didn't also teach manners."

Demonhunter · 23/10/2024 09:17

when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish

Well when her attitude resembles cheap rubbish, I guess she has to try and dress it up in expensive clothes.

She sounds awful.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 23/10/2024 09:19

Be very vague when she asks something.
"Where did you buy that jacket?" "Can't remember."
"Where are you going on holiday ?" "Haven't decided."
Give her nothing personal because she is bristling with jealousy and will use everything against you

Thelnebriati · 23/10/2024 09:19

Say ''two things you can't buy - good manners and good friends''. Walk away and let her choose how she reacts.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 23/10/2024 09:21

Why are you friends with this horrid person? Surely your village is not so small that you have to be friends with everyone?
Just drop her quietly and be no contact from now on
Why on earth do people do this to themselves? Life is too short to put up with such nonsense

ThePoshUns · 23/10/2024 09:23

What a horrible person she is.
Clearly envious of you.
As others have said, be civil to her but politely call her out each time.
' Did you mean to be so rude?' Each time she is.

You sound like a lovely person, don't let her ruin the nice life that you have made for yourself. You deserve it .