Caustic friend

[AngelInBlueJeans]

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

“Go fuck yourself with the fat end of a pineapple, you toffee-nosed, horse-faced bitch” can be an effective response."

This made me LOL.

But don't say it obvs 😂

I think this is what they call 'grey rocking' someone and it is very effective. Just bland, colourless responses to everything.

😂😂😂

Lean over and whisper it in her ear.

Then when she tells someone else what you said act shocked and really upset and say "oh my God, I would never say anything like that!- thats absolutely shocking, I'm really worried about Marjory - I really think she needs to see her doctor if she thinks I said that"

YOH?

I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody

You may not want ill feeling but you're getting it from this nasty character anyway, so you might as well deal with it head on.
Have a response ready for her next horrible comment, for example 'what do you mean by that?' or 'Oh really? That's interesting'. Both pretty neutral and will hopefully put her on the back foot as she's not used to you answering back.

Or, if you prefer to make light of it and take the sting out, laugh and say 'Oh Mabel, you do say the funniest things'. That'll confuse the nasty witch.

I have a family member who when she is feeling bitchy (so, every day), says rude and insulting things to try and provoke a response.

I've found saying 'ah well, be a funny old world if we all liked the same thing, wouldn't it?', with the most bucolic smile I can manage (which is very bovine) seems to get her right smack bang in the frustration feels. There's nothing she can say to it that doesn't make her seem an even bigger twit than she already does.

It's fun watching her try and come up with something though. . .

Oh, and nodding and smiling also seems to get her hopping.

if you can’t distance yourself from her then I think you should call her out on her bad behaviour every time (calmly and firmly). If you stand up for yourself she might back off.

this is going around, sums it up:

The ruder someone is to me, the more passively super nice I am to them (faux concern)
It really really drives them crazy.
These people are nasty bloodsuckers who need nastiness & drama to exist.

In a big town I would be a bitch back to her but in a small village setting, I can understand you don't want others to exclude you as well as her in case there is drama.
So super nice, is the way forward m. Others will notice.

Lastly as per others, you're "we worked hard comment grated"
A cleaner works hard, a cleaner who didn't inherit anything from their council house parents worked a damm site harder than most people on here.

I cannot bear people who are simply fortunate that they were able to take advantage of university bursaries or walk in & progress jobs, inheritance from parents, final salary pensions, golden handshakes, housing price boom. Etc etc.

it's demeaning to people who have worked as hard as you or even harder who did not have the advantages you had.

The best advice I have been given for these types of situations is to kill them with kindness. It's hard to continue being so spikey when faced with unrelenting kindness, and if she does persist then she will just look like an idiot in front of anyone else who is present.

I imagine she is either extremely jealous of you or feels intimidated. When you can't avoid her and she makes nasty comments about where you buy things, why not ask her where she would get hers from and try and turn the focus on to her rather than you. When she talks about you splashing the cash with charities focus on how much time she gives to local causes. She can't be being mean to you all the time she's talking about herself!

Love this.

I have no problem with your "we worked hard" comment. It's not a dig at anyone, its purely explaining your circumstances i.e we didn't inherit generational wealth.

The definition of envy is "other has something I want and I am more deserving" and it sounds like she thinks that her monied background means she is more entitled to be in the position that you're in and you are not entitled to be in your position.

I think she's spotted that you're very keen to keep the peace and she can get away with commenting without anyone else knowing. Personally I'd make sure her snide asides go public by, for example, saying to the group, "Janet here was just saying to me that my M&S shoes are cheap and nasty, do you think she's right? Is that the general consensus on M&S?" or similar statement that "innocently" outs her comments every time. All done nicely in her presence if possible but she doesn't have to be there. I'm probably not giving an appropriate example but the principle is that every nasty aside gets a public airing, don't just absorb her nastiness, share it with the social group.

She's a frenemy and is absolutely green with envy.

I would call her out on her remarks. "Did you mean to be so rude?" And so on. I'm sure other people find her unpleasant if they notice her saying these things.

She’s not a friend. Call her out on her bs every time and she will soon stop.

Yes, that's really good advice.

Oh how interesting. Where do you buy your shoes then, Margaret?

I don't think they/we are being rude, but if the OP says 'we are wealthy because we worked extremely hard and made wise investments' in real life, I can see how that might be irritating (not in any way an excuse for someone to be so bitchy to them, but they may not realise how it comes across). The friend sounds jealous and nasty for sure.

No investment is 100% wise, not everyone who works extremely hard ends up wealthy. There is always always an element of luck in there whether that's supportive parents, nice boss, decent local school, health, etc. just as some people may have less fortunate circumstances (sudden ill health, greater than expected caring responsibilities, accidents, investments in companies that were adversely affected by Brexit/natural disaster etc.)

I'd go for a variation on the kill them with kindness, seeing as she sounds jealous/desperate to prove her imagined superiority.

On the trainers from M&S go over the top. Oh I love them. So comfy. I'm thinking of getting another pair in grey.

Private school. Super. How lovely. Gosh what a long time ago it all was.

I'd go for a variation on the kill them with kindness

You mean just kill them? 😁

Only joking. OP, please don’t kill the shoe bitch.

Well, she is mad jealous of you op. Nasty woman

She’s jealous.
Next time a quick, ‘Now, now, dear. No need to be rude.’ in the best stern, old fashioned, schoolmarm-ish tone you can muster.

Just laugh uproariously next time she comes out with something outrageously rude and slap her on the back saying "oh Babs, you do crack me up!". Show her how spectacularly unbothered you are by her nonsense.

Honestly, she is just embarrassing herself as everyone who hears these remarks must be thinking what an idiot she is.

Boundaries. Really, really strong boundaries. Don't let her close. And if she ever does overstep, raise one hand in a 'stop' position, and just say 'I'll stop you there'. Then walk away.
It's not what I'd do, I'd have told her to fuck off by now. It's by far the better option for village living though.

Screamingabdabz…
I’m so sorry, I genuinely didn’t mean it to come across that way, and yes I completely agree because I see people working incredibly hard and in this day and age it’s hard to keep heads above water for a lot of people, everything is so expensive. Sincerely I do get it because we had nothing in our early years, and with three children it was difficult to make ends meet. When the children were older I went back to work (on minimum wage) and also attended college in the evening to further my skills and education to enable me to get a better job… which I did.

We do help others by donating to food banks etc and I’m involved in voluntary work.
Again my apologies if I caused offence, however I would not call our wealth a privilege because we have not inherited a Penny piece… but that was not the core issue in this post, I was asking advice regarding my caustic friend.

Oh that’s such good advice, you’re a star, thank you 👏🏻👏🏻 I’m definitely using that 😊