Caustic friend

[AngelInBlueJeans]

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

I've had similar and was constantly told to be the bigger person etc until I just decided I'd had enough. I waited until the person was unpleasant to me again, but in front of others and then very calmly and mildly said "It's no good, I really do have to ask. Why do you feel the need to keep being so unpleasant to me?". Literally as though I was asking if she'd like a cup of tea. And after a bit of blustering and insisting they absolutely did not intend to be unpleasant, she kept her distance for a bit and then lo and behold, all further interactions have been absolutely fine and certainly improved.

OP I think you sound very nice and I hope you and your H are enjoying a well earned retirement.

People like this "not-friend" are jealous - simple as. Easier not engage with her beyond being polite and moving the subject on. Far less hassle for you particularly when you live in a small community. Whilst it's tempting to make funny responses or be very blunt with her, there's always a risk it can blow up if she starts crying to other people about how you've been oh-so-mean to her.

Where did you get your shoes? Oh I can't remember, but they are very comfortable. Anyway, didn't the church bake sale do well? I must say hello to X person - nice to see you.

Where are you going on holiday? Oh I haven't thought about anything. The community garden is looking well. There's X person - I just need to catch them quickly, excuse me.

That kind of thing. Be polite and 'distantly nice' - don't share personal information with her, and don't spend time chatting with her.

She is probably jealous or thinking that you might be over exaggerating your wealth. Wealth is relative too.

I know people who are constantly going on about how they are doing x y z and how wealthy they are which can be grating at times.

My husband and I do well for ourselves but I’d never call myself wealthy even if we own our house outright in the south of the uk and have six figure salaries.

She shouldn’t be rude to you though but the fact that she brought you flowers when you went off grid prob means that she’s not as nasty as you might think. Have you tried talking to her and saying when you do X it makes me feel Y? I really value our friendship and I’d like us to work on how we can improve our friendship going forward. There might just be things that’s not being discussed and she’s getting snarky.

I wonder if your donations are particularly high and she feels like your kind of sucking up? Are you new to the village? Does she think you're treading on her toes? She is clearly very involved being treasurer so to me it seems like she feels threatened and she puts a lot into the village the same as you do.
I think you've had loads of good advice but wanted to understand why she's singled you out. I don't think she's jealous of your wealth but the power thing makes more sense. I can see its tempting to be unkind back as she's hurt you, but she's coming from a place of hurt so she will then come back at you or go off crying. There are for sure different approaches

Maybe saying thank you for the flowers and inviting her for coffee or lunch to see if you could get on better? Or asking her to come and help you with something village related? She's clearly can be liked and this would be the best outcome for you to get on. Different approach but only you will know which one feels right.

Op you sound fab. This woman is jealous of you for probably a multitude of reasons. I suspect one of them is that everyone is mad about you. I'm pretty sure I would be if I lived in your village.

I'm finally at a place in life where I make no apologies and give no explanations. Everyone is free to choose how they play the hand they were given. I don't resent other people's successes and enjoyments because I'm too busy focusing on my own.

Some good strategies have been suggested here of how to deal with her so choose the ones that feel most aligned with your own personality and which you will feel good about afterwards.

If it was me I would be inclined to respond to the shoes comment with a very neutral expression and "that's pretty mean" before turning away with a shrug.

If she turned up at my house with flowers I'd say I've been feeling hurt by your comments and decided to take some space.

If she went on about private school I'd declare genuinely that it must have been great, it certainly wasn't my experience growing up. I wouldn't add anything else unless someone enquired then I'd share a brief honest account.

Basically keep your own standards high and let her do what she likes.

I live next door to people who are absolutely revolting, think they rule the manor and that everyone has to bow and scrape.

and in this village there are plenty who do

we don’t. We’re successful, more so than them, but more importantly my OH and I have had to deal with narcissists before and we’re experts in spotting manipulative behaviour- so we’ve side stepped every attempt to control us and it’s driven them bonkers. For the last 4 years we’ve been in legal issues with them and finally resolved it. They’ve capitulated- well been forced to.

@AngelInBlueJeans my advice is NOT to be all diplomatic or rise above - tell her she’s rude and you’re not going to put up with it, turn on your heel and leave her. Make her realise that her behaviour is out of order.

too many villages have twats like these and nobody says boo to a goose and these tin pot narcissists wouldn’t last 5 minutes anywhere else.

she is not a friend. Not in any way shape or form. So tell her! “Why do you feel you can talk to me like this? We’re not friends and you’re rude. Keep your opinions and your distance in future”

“I beg your pardon, I didn’t catch what you just said?” 🤔

”Oh really? Thanks for the feedback!” 🙄

”Did you say that out loud without thinking?” 🤐

It is not rude to call someone out on their rudeness - it is necessary in society.
Each opportunity you get, and ESPECIALLY if there are other people around you should respond to her rudeness with ‘Wow! Did you really mean to be that rude?! That is very hurtful’.

Do everyone a favour - flush her nonsense out.

Yep- exactly. You say you dont want to be rude but SHE is being bloody rude. Why is it acceptable for her to be rude but you cant call it out? why isnt she worried about not being very nice? Noone has ostracised her for her vicious, nasty comments have they- so why on earth would you be for simply telling her that it was a hurtful rude comment?

That makes no sense whatsoever.

You dont have to shout or scream at her. People have suggested many ways to tell her she's being rude in a calm and measured manner. If you dont say anything then she will continue to be rude and nasty to you and you then will regret not saying anything. Its the verbal equivalent of her punching you in the face and you then saying "oh I'll just let her continue punching me in the face, I want to come across as a nice person" isnt it?