Caustic friend

[AngelInBlueJeans]

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

Full respect, thank you 🙏

I’ve just deciphered the meaning of your response after I had already responded once (I’m not good at working out sarcasm). It’s a shame that’s how you read it because that’s not the person I am, I couldn’t be more far removed. But you are correct regarding various job roles, I’ve been at both ends of the scale…please try to be nice, it makes the world a much nicer place, genuinely x

@AngelInBlueJeans
I've just seen your post apologising for saying "you've worked hard".
Don't apologise, that's your reality (& mine) no-one handed us anything we've worked hard for what we have, I will absolutely never apologise for grafting my whole adult life just incase I accidentally offend someone.
It wasn't good luck it was hard graft, I've been a cleaner, a barmaid, shop worker, worked in an industrial laundry etc whilst being a single parent.
As dd got older I retrained.
Nuff said 😉
As for your "friend" you need a stock answer "Oh do fuck off dear"
(will also work for pp's who berate you for "working hard")

Yes you are right, thank you, and I’m not going to call her out to people because it might be deemed as gossip, and as she isn’t vile to me in front of others I might end up looking like the bad guy. I’ve seen her play the victim once before, there were tears and everyone felt sorry for her. It’s not worth it, my happy life in the community is too precious to risk. Someone on here said to ‘listen to the Magic Roundabout tune’ in my head when she starts, I thought that was excellent, if I’m hearing magic roundabout I’m not hearing her 😆

I would never be deliberately rude, maybe that’s my problem, that said as cheesy as it sounds I’d rather just be nice, I least then I’ve nothing to regret

Plenty of nurses earn £30-40k and work bloody hard. There are lots of educated, passionate workers who give everything in mediocre paid jobs.

There are also lots of pen pushers who earn very well for doing very little.

Salary does not equate to effort.

From what you've said, I'm struggling to see how she'd know you had money. Are you sure you're as subtle about it as you say?

Surely all she knows is you have a nice house and are retired?

I have some people like this in my life, not due to wealth as I'm not wealthy, but form some other unknown reason. I figure some people just like to make digs when they don't actively like someone. Strange really, I assume it's a deep-rooted insecurity and unhappiness. Happy people aren't rude to others.

Well done you ❤️ you have my full respect, and thank you for your post and your understanding, we both come from the same place of reference.
Love the “Oh do fuck off dear” 🤣

Yes, you are absolutely right, salary does not always equate to effort, but in the case of my adult children it does, and that’s what I meant (but I think you know that because that’s what I said)

She doesn’t know we have money, but she knows how much we donate on a monthly basis to the community and other local charities because she is the treasurer and is also on the Parish council. So now you can stop struggling to work this out… hope that helps.

With respect I’ve read my post over and over, and I cannot see any part of it where I have implied that other people don’t work extremely hard. There’s nothing, I spoke only of myself and my ‘friend’. I’m sorry for your hatred of these ‘sorts of comments’, but it wasn’t in any part ‘that sort of comment’.

Try to find the humour in the situation- it is so funny how people perceive themselves relative to others.
When we moved into our current house we needed to do a load of heavy DIY. So I was not looking picture perfect. I was however working as a Biotech Exec during the week (mixing cement at weekends)
I had a man approach me in the street who explained that he was one of our neighbours and he thought that I would be pleased to know that I could pick up some cash cleaning for him and his wife.
To be honest I cannot recall exactly what I said to him but I have not seen him since (3 years)- hope I was not too rude but do not really care

A round of applause. Some of the earlier responses trying to shame her were ridiculous . OP worked hard, it wasn’t handed to her. She’s probably being squeezed to death in taxes without complaint and seeing zilch for it.

There are people in this country who would prefer it if everyone were poor.

OP should not have apologised.

"Fuck off, Janet, with your catty remarks. Manners cost nothing and you've still managed not to have any" said with a big smile on your face.
And then polite indifference every time you see her afterwards.

Watch Mrs browns boys "that's nice" skit! I've used it for years.

She sounds jealous and threatened by you.

I had a similar situation to this. Were slightly younger than you but had similar successes and financially comfortable etc.

Growing up I was always the poor friend and my friends family were always very comfortable. As we got older I think my friend resented that our dynamics had changed and she felt uncomfortable about this. I had a couple of years of passive and mean comments from her before I had enough and moved on from the 'friendship'. It's sad but there is no place for envy in friendships. It sounds like your friend resents your position and wishes she were in it given her private education etc. sounds as though she's insecure about it and trying to make herself feel better by putting you down instead. Awful behaviour

If you find you don't have the words when she makes one of her catty remarks, I fall back on giving a puzzled stare. Then I would make an excuse to remove myself from her company as soon as possible. You've just remembered you haven't done something or need to be somewhere...or you just got a text and an urgent need has come up.

It's a bit like a time out for her.

Just channel your annoyance with posters when you speak to her next.

betterangels
I don’t really get your your comment, however I’m not annoyed with her….
This from my original post…
…”I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse”.

I mean, this So now you can stop struggling to work this out… hope that helps sounds pretty annoyed and PA to me. Never mind.

The long and short of it is that this woman from the village is not your friend. It's OK to tell her she's being rude.

You have my sympathy. You say she's treasurer of local committee and on parish council. I think it's unethical for her to comment on you "splashing the cash" or making snide comments about your wealth.

I would look to address this possibly? Either ask for your donations to be made anonymous, or perhaps raise the issue in an official capacity with the chairperson or other committee members as it's made you feel uncomfortable. Or even stop the donations for a time.

I would also never be alone in her company if you can help it as she only comments when no one else around.

Yes she's clearly seeing how much you donate, presumably more than she does and it's rankling with her.
She shouldn't be doing that role if she can't be discreet about it.

I would respond, every time she is rude:

Oh dear! You realise that is terribly rude?... '

In the manner of someone somewhat patronisingly speaking to a puppy... 'Oh dear, you've shit all over the carpet again, how awful for you and also how disgusting'...

Give her a bit of side eye and then ignore her for a bit.

It's sad that this kind of jealousy still exists in grown women. I have no advice (I'm the type of person to just tell her where to go and not politely) but just wanted to reaffirm you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. With every comment she makes like this reply with "what an odd thing to say". Keep being you and see this behaviour for what it is. People who are unhappy with their own life and want everyone else to be as miserable as them ❤️

Wow that’s quite the chip! Did she say others didn’t work hard? No she’s was merely pointing out their wealth was earned rather than dropped in their laps through inheritance or lottery win etc. although neither should make a difference anyway! Money doesn’t define a person but sadly those without seem to sit in judgement on those that do for no valid reason other than jealousy.