Caustic friend

[AngelInBlueJeans]

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

ChequerToRed Yes, tbh my husband says she’s jealous of me, how sad 😞
Thanks for your help, your advice is spot on, and I will practice my schoolmarm-ish approach 😉

I think most of us understood that you meant your wealth came from work you did, as opposed to it being generational wealth handed to you. You didn't word it offensively at all IMO.

Did you mean to be that rude or did it come out wrong . Call her out every single time .

Citrusandginger Oh for sure, she certainly behaves with superiority, she very forceful with it. Thanks for your advice, I’ll be using it, you made me laugh too with the ‘I’m thinking of getting another pair in grey’ 😆

This was how I read it . We've worked hard rather than we won the lottery or inherited.

I'm also sick of these boring low paid work hard aswell tropes , of course they do but their jobs arent valued as much of haven't need to get degrees / train for years either, they do their hours and go home , no stress no pressure , no decision making , no responsibility. High paid jobs are high paid for a reason .

Hillrunning…Good advice, I can certainly see how the private school response would backfoot her, thanks for taking the time to respond… btw I also use box dye 🙂

Canalboat… tbh honest someone has noticed her behaviour towards me and said they didn’t understand why she was so nasty to me and that I didn’t deserve it.
A few weeks ago after a particularly nasty comment I stayed away from her completely because I was hurt. She texted a few times and I ignored that too, she then turned up at our house with a bunch of flowers wondering if I was sick and the flowers were to cheer me up. Apparently she’d been asking everyone if they’d seen me and if I was ok. I think she knew what she’d done but there was no apology. I did think that things would change after that given that I’d distanced myself but I was wrong. The thing is she’s so lovely with everyone else and I’m left wondering what I’m doing to trigger her to be this way towards me. She clearly has a lovely side, but the flip side is awful.

Green eyed monster in its most obvious form. Be polite but firm with this horrible woman and next time there’s a needless put down either put her in her place or walk away and avoid seeing her again.
Chances are if it’s a small village everyone knows what she’s like. I imagine you’re not the only one she’s been nasty to.
Don’t be a walkover. She’s unlikely to speak about you in glowing terms whether you’re nice to her or not such is her jealousy. She’s not worth your good manners anymore!

I would say oh Mabel or whatever her name is do fuck off

I do agree, I see my grown up children in high paid jobs almost giving their soul to the company for what they earn

Oh love this 🤣🤣🤣 thanks for making my day

Thank you for this advice it really helps x

She’s very careful not to behave this way in front of others. I told my close friend what she was like with me and asked her if she ever treated her this way, she said not. She was shocked but didn’t disbelieve me for a moment and said I certainly didn’t deserve it. I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else incase it’s perceived as gossip.

🤣🤣🤣 don’t tempt me, even my patience is reaching breaking point 😖

OP, she is continuing to behave like this because you are not pushing back.
Avoid her like the plague.
If she joins your company, get up and leave, every time.
Do not have her near your home.
If she tries to speak to you, just walk away.
That you would accept flowers from her and actually answer the door to her is ridiculous.
Be completely unavailable.
If she tries to discuss it, deny everything.
Tell her you have NO idea what she is talking about.....and then continue to avoid her.
If anyone asks you about it because she has said something, play completely dumb and confused.

She will get the message.
She is getting enormous pleasure from insulting you to your face, thinking you haven't the self esteem to push back.

You don't have to get into anything with her, you simply studiously avoid her and pretend she doesn't exist.

Next time she's rude put your hands to your chest and say 'Ouch!' very loudly or respond with 'that's a bit harsh Marg'. Are you splashing the cash? I say this in the nicest way as even buying a tenner's worth of raffle tickets at the local coffee morning would be noticed in our village; look at what everyone else is spending, you can always donate a little extra privately to the treasurer of whatever function you are attending. Lots of good responses on this thread for you to choose from op, sorry you are having to deal with this, small villages can be a minefield.

She's so jealous I'm surprised she hasn't turned green yet. I can see you've been trying to diffuse the situation rather than create a rift but you need to start pushing back or she will dig and dig to get a rise out of you. She wants to know her comments are hitting the mark.

I imagine she thinks she deserves to be wealthy more than you do. Perhaps because she went to private school she was raised to think she was special and destined for great things. Some people's thought processes are bizarre but we used to have a next door neighbour who had that sort of attitude. Came from a posh family but she and her husband had arty careers and were poor as church mice. They could never afford to go on holiday but she'd ask us where we were going and turn her nose up and say she would rather go to x as if we were wasting money she would put to better use!

I would be inclined to laugh and brush off her comments. "Your shoes are cheap rubbish" - "Just as well I didn't buy them for you then!" Or "at least you can't accuse me of flashing the cash today". Or "don't mince your words Janet, why not say what you really mean".

Thanks for you help, sincerely it’s much appreciated, I think being super nice is good advice 🙂
Just to say though… as it appears my post might have been misconstrued, and I would not want to come across as demeaning, that’s not the kind of person I am.
I was brought up in a council house, I got a job and stood on my own 2 feet from the age of 16. I married very young and we lived in a council flat, 3 children followed and we got offered a council house which we eventually bought. I didn’t receive a bursary or such like for university, I don’t think that kind of help was even available in my day, nor did our children, we put two of them through university, our third child did not choose that route. I worked 3 jobs, one of which was as a cleaner and I was grateful. When our children were older I went to college in the evenings as well to further my education to enable me to get a better job with higher pay, and I did. My husband worked over 80 hrs per week. We received zero inheritance as both sets of our parents lived in council accommodation, we’ve never claimed state benefits.
So, I’m sorry my comment grated on you, and that you can’t bear people who are simply fortunate, golden handshakes etc etc. However it has highlighted what might be the problem with my ‘friend’ (so thank you for that) because it’s clear something about me is grating on her, although she knows nothing of our background. Like you she might be jumping to the conclusion that we have inherited money too, I’m sorry you have issues with people who receive inheritance too, thankfully I don’t have those kind of issues. We had a goal, we achieved it, we practically lived at work to get where we are today, and along the way we took nothing from anyone.

Omg she’s just like the next next door neighbour you had 🙄 Thanks for the advice, the majority of people have been so helpful, I’m really grateful

Oh that’s brilliant, thank you, Magic Roundabout, that really is great advice… I’m using it for sure 😁

Villages tend to have these sorts of people. Smile and bland response usually works.

She's clearly jealous of/threatened by you.

she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish

"Wait, aren't you always accusing me of splashing cash, though?" (tinkly laugh). I think you need to find a faux light-hearted way to point out her hypocrisy and shut her up.

"Rude!" (eyebrow raise).

"You know what they say... wealth whispers, money talks." (leave her to work it out).

"Ha ha, I know what you mean, but it feels a bit crass going round the village in my Jimmy Choos with the cost of living crisis."

I’m sorry you’ve been there too, you’re empathising from a place of reverence too.
I’ve had such a lot of help and advice from MN, which I’m really grateful for, I feel I can move forward with some useful tools.
I agree with you, it’s time to let her know I’m not going to tolerate her rudeness any longer.
Thank you for your help, and I hope going forward your ‘friend’ situation is resolved one way or another too.

You get nasty people in all walks of life.

I think it’s best not to give a rise/response as that’s likely what she wants. Just look at her in an amused way. I think people like her like to know they have stung you, they want the bite back so they can use it against you. She might twist your response and say that you are being unkind to her.

If anyone talks about her don’t get drawn into it, because if she is laying any nasty seeds about you behind your back, if you say anything negative about her you will be seen as the bad guy and she will come out of it unscathed. I learnt that one the hard way. People who single people out for nasty comments but are nice to everyone else are often the ones who are prone to smearing the name of the person they are being nasty towards.

@AngelInBlueJeans

Good for you. I'm so glad I'm wrong.

I hope you have the loveliest well earned retirement.

For clarity it's not inheritance per se that bothers me, it's the lack of insight, that lots of people (such as yourself ) work hard and don't just inherit an easy life. It's said often on this site.

Good on you. Kill her with kindness - you're clearly kind anyway