Caustic friend

[AngelInBlueJeans]

We live in a small village and are fortunate to be part of a lovely friendly community. We are quite wealthy, we own our own home which we had built to our specifications 5 yrs ago. We are not flash, that’s not who we are and we lead an ordinary simple life, we have a newish car but it’s not bold or in your face, our clothes are nice, but not designer. We are ordinary because that’s how we were brought up and that’s what we are comfortable with. We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today which enabled us to retire early. We would never be crass and discuss our wealth, and we give to various charities in the area and enjoy contributing to village events and charities.
One of our friends within the group is a big part of the community and is hands on helping out at events, fetes etc. She makes snide comments at every opportunity, particularly to me rather than my husband in relation to us ‘splashing cash’. We don’t splash it, we genuinely like to contribute and we do it quietly.
She’s very vocal to me about her upbringing and private schooling, and anything else that (I believe) might make us feel we are beneath her. She truly is quite horrid to me, for example she asked me where my new shoes were from, when I said M&S she replied she would never wear such cheap rubbish. I feel hurt that she treats me this way because she certainly doesn’t speak to our other friends in this manner.
I guess I feel disappointed more than anything, and sad, I’m struggling to understand why this person is so caustic to me. Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody. I’m at a loss how to handle this for a positive outcome.
Can anyone advise, because all I’m doing at the moment is not responding to her comments incase I make it worse.

She's not your friend. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her she's being rude. And then walk away. Make it clear you're not going to put up with her nasty comments.

Yes, this!

There's a reason she's so nasty, and that is she gets away with it. Put her straight, she is definitely no friend and if she can dish it, she can take it.

She sounds nasty, and you should have a word with her.
That said, I hate these sorts of comments as they imply other people don't work extremely hard:
We have worked extremely hard and made wise investments to get where we are today

She's obviously not a friend. I agree with this, though. So tedious.

YABU to trot out the line “we’ve worked extremely hard” when talking about your wealth and privilege. Lots of low wage people work extremely hard

Yes. You sound very defensive about your wealth. But trying to defend it by saying you worked very hard for it, is 100 times more likely to offend people, than them simply observing your financial status. You're basically implying (assuming they don't have that kind of wealth) that they don't work hard or have your wisdom. In fact you're implying that many of those of us reading your OP don't have those virtues!

I had several friends who were very much better off than me, but they wore it with relaxed grace, which is how you should do it.

The fact that your hard work paid off, whilst other hard workers remain poor, does not negate your achievement. I think you sound modest and kind.

I have a neighbour (also a small community) who is always trying to provoke me. I now imagine the Magic Roundabout music whenever he is speaking, and find that helps me to just nod and smile benignly at him and takes the sting out of whatever nonsense he's spouting.

www.google.com/search?q=magic+roundabout+music&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:c2c5f4fb,vid:5cUwVLx8K9s,st:0

Regardless of the money side, which I think is clouding the issue, you need to call her out on her rudeness. Everytime. If you don't this will escalate as she's getting away with it. You sound reluctant to stand up for yourself which is making you her target.

A short sharp "that was very rude" should do the trick. She may push back but a moment of uncomfortableness for you will let her know how you feel.

If she continues you will need to distance yourself. I expect she's been told to f**k off by others she's tried to bully.

If she continues you will need to distance yourself. I expect she's been told to fk off by others she's tried to bully

This. I suspect that rather than her only targeting you, she HAS tried this approach with others and has been given short shrift which is why she no longer does it because there is no "pay off" for her.

I know it can be hard if you arent used to it but you are going to have to stand up for yourself and let it be known you wont take this. I suspect she will try this approach on anyone new who comes into the group because it's her core personality. By staying silent you are tacitly letting her continue.

The choice is yours - either stand up to her or allow her to continue. I know which one I'd be choosing.

I think op was just trying to quickly set a scene as well you can in text to complete strangers.
There are lots of folk who work really hard but don't end up as financially secure as op, that's true.
But I think op's intention was to convey (to us) that they are not flashy people, sounding very similar in fact to your friends who wear it with good grace, as I'm sure op does irl.
Anyone trying to create a quick synopsis of their life online cannot caveat everything to say, 'that doesn't mean I don't think other people... '
Things are very different in person of course.
I wouldn't assume op believes less well off people haven't worked as hard as her from her post, nor assume she gives that impression irl.

That may be the case but it's still a tedious default statement that people on MN employ, and don't need to. It's enough to say 'we were fortunate to be able to retire early' if that's the main point.

She's a nasty, and most likely jealous, bitch.

You handle it by keeping out of her way as much as you can and also by brushing off her stupid comments. There is nothing you can do to make her not be a bitch. So, you need to minimise contact and casually and quickly brush off her shit.

Her: where are your shoes from
You: M&S
Her: Cheap rubbish
You: I like them, must dash, need to get to xyz

I get that she was trying to set the scene. My post was intended to be advice rather than criticism. I made similar mistakes in the past, in trying to justify myself. But it took a friend to gently point out that in trying to humble myself, I was unwittingly putting others down.The last thing I wanted to do.

ETA that I agree with this

It's enough to say 'we were fortunate to be able to retire early' if that's the main point.
Don't over explain.

She's probably defensive about it because people are so nasty and rude about richer people these days. You see it everywhere - direct comments, veiled comments, the need to excuse anything that's posh/expensive by saying you got it discounted/on points or whatever etc etc

She is not a friend and you have no need to defend yourself to her for your choices. If you don't want to completely block her out of your life due to dynamics of the community, just grey rock her. She makes a comment, just smile, say ok and walk away.

Sorry all I got from the first two paragraphs is we are wealthy but not crass. That's a contradiction for me

The whole thread could have just read
A woman who lives in our village mocks me for wearing M&S shoes. I could afford spend more on shoes but choose not to

I worked with someone like this, it bothered me at first, and made me uncomfortable.
As time went on, and I reported remarks back to my family, it became funny, and spotting the insults was an entertainment.

There of plenty of people on here being nasty and rude about a rich person!

Some might tell me to distance myself, but we are a close community and everyone knows everyone, and I certainly don’t want ill feeling with anybody.

It’s too late. She’s already created the ill-feeling, and there isn’t some magic silver bullet to fix it.

Nothing you could do would please someone like this. If you wore designer shoes the next time you saw her, that would be “showy” too. So don’t bother trying to be nice to her, she’ll find a way to make it negative.

Next time she makes comment about you “splashing cash”, say “When I had M&S shoes on, you insulted me by saying I was buying cheap rubbish. Now you’re criticising me for spending more. Just how much is enough and still not too much to spend for me to meet your approval?”

Or, if this is too much, I find “Go fuck yourself with the fat end of a pineapple, you toffee-nosed, horse-faced bitch” can be an effective response.

How about replying "Miaow!!" at every opportunity?

She isn't a friend, she's someone you keep 'in' with because of village life.

I agree, "that was very rude, Marjorie" and walk away. Repeat as often as needed.

Another good deflection is to respond "why do you ask?" to each and every question.

A cheerful, “oh well, you do you, I will do me” often does the trick.

Also don’t share details, less for her to judge/pass comment on.

She sounds like a bad character from ‘Succession’ doesn’t she? People with true breeding and class never make comments like this, so she’s actually pretty low rent to me.
M&S? Well if you know anything about fashion right now, it’s the place to shop. You can’t open a glossy magazine without encountering M&S pieces, and with Claudia Winkleman on board, they are doing so well.
And as far as I am aware Claudia is someone held in pretty high esteem by style lovers.
I think that this ‘person’ may be aware you have a secure lifestyle and is envious.
I’d give her a wide berth, or tell her to audition for the nearest ‘Real Houswives’ franchise 😂

You might want to listen to this guy about how to respond to people who are belittling you or being rude.