For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

It sounds as if you are considering all the options and making the best choices for each of your children. Sending the elder to the private school, or the younger to state, would actually disadvantage them in an attempt to treat them equally! Hopefully both girls grow up knowing that their parents love and value them and their individual accomplishments. When a person feels a sibling was treated more favourably it often has little to do with the amount of money spent on education.

I thrived at private school. I too would have underachieved lost in the state school system. I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD. I am musically gifted but didn’t know how to apply this concentration academically. Thank got bored and lost focus very easily in a class of 30. Smaller class sizes definitely enabled me to get through school and into a good uni.

My sister was intent on doing what she wanted to do and had a clear career goal. She would have achieved this in the local sunk school or at a top private school.

Well I think I'm going to go against the majority here - I don't think you can treat them differently. And I don't think you can put this on them to decide.

In this country at least, there are many perceived advantages of private school, and even if you are academic enough to thrive in a state school, you'll lose the other advantages.

And I know from my own experiences in my own family that when children are grown up, they have different views of the childhood they had. Perceived differences in treatment or favouritism stay with a child for ever, and many of these views of favouritism arise in retrospect when the kids are grown up and are reflecting on their relative successes/struggles etc. I think you have to treat children the same in respect to private school unless you are sending a child to private school because of disability etc.

OP you need to do what’s right for your kids and live for the moment. Theres always someone on mumsnet who carries a lifetime of resentment for something, and they would always find something to resent anyway. But having one child miserable won’t make for short term or long term happiness for anyone.

Quite clearly sending one DC to private and one to state sink schools for their whole school career is unfair and stupid. But most kids are not in private for their whole school career, so as long as they have in the long term the same options that’s fine imo. Loads of families have one in each at any one time for whatever reason.

And I know from my own experiences in my own family that when children are grown up, they have different views of the childhood they had.

Thats up to them as adults. And is a lot wider than schools. Some adults are just unreasonable full stop. All parents can do at any time is their best.

Treating them fairly doesn't mean treating them the same. It sounds to me as if you are well aware of each daughter's strengths and needs and are treating them accordingly. Money doesn't come into it.

I was sent to private school for the last two years of secondary due to mental health problems. My elder sister stayed at state school right through. We’ve discussed it since and she takes the view that she’s happy she didn’t have my problems.

From what you’ve said, sending DD1 to the private school would actually be a case of removing her from a school that suits her well and sending her to one that is less suitable purely for the sake of “being fair”. That’s madness! Send DD2 to the right school for her, and keep DD1 in the right school her. Since you’ve said you could afford it, you could potentially move DD1 at a later date if the current school stopped suiting her.

I haven't read all the way through but from my experience, I'd keep her in the state school. I was in a state school (not a selective one - although I did pass to go to a grammar). I was top set in everything, they were really nurturing of my academic abilities. In year 9 my parents came into some money and wanted to send me to a private school. I did - it was horrific. I scraped by my GCSEs, had no friends and hated every minute of it.

As a PP suggested, maybe put some money aside for DD1, so that if she wants to take up an activity or something, there's money there for that.

I wouldn't presume for your DD1 that private = a better education. It definitely wasn't that way for me (or my DH).

Haven't RTFT but this situation applied to me as a child - in the 60s so you may feel it isn't relevant today, I don't know.

In my area then, everyone did the 11+ exam and I went to the local grammar which was a 15-20 minute walk away at the age of eleven. There were 2 school years between my brother and I.

In that time, my father got a better-paid job in a nearby town which had a very good private school. Out of interest they entered him for the entrance exam a year early - and he passed. Unfortunately he was a bit too far out of the catchment area to get an assisted place - that went to his friend who lived a bit closer - so although they had to pay fees, they felt they still had to give him that chance. At the time they explained this to me, and they said that if I wanted, they could pay the fees for me to go to the private girls' school there too. I think I was in the equivalent of Year 8 at the time.

We discussed it and I decided I didn't want to. I was at a good school, my commute was a LOT shorter than his ended up being, it had taken me a long time to settle in and we were all worried that I might not do so as a new starter in an already established class. Also, although he made friends, they were not in his local area - so he had to travel to socialise. I think the after school commute was the worst though (Dad couldn't give him a lift home as it was too early). By the time he got home, I had already done at least one lot of homework - I felt he had a much more tiring day than I did because of that.

I have never regretted not going to that school and I have never judged or blamed my parents for their decision - they did consult with me after all. However a few of my brother's friends/girlfriends assumed that my parents had been willing to pay for their son's education but not their daughter's. I know this wasn't the case - but certainly one gf continued to believe this and to state it, despite being told the situation. There will always be those who judge.

Edit: I forgot to mention the sixth form. They paid 5 years of fees, but the sixth form was free, however they were less impressed with the sixth form - something to do with the timetabling and the use of student teachers struggling with poor behaviour (yes! in the sixth form!) with exam classes. They went in to complain about the latter and were told by the Head that this never happened. The next day, the class had their usual teacher back.

Something to think about is how the DC will perceive the choices you have made for them when they are older. A lot will come down to the outcomes later on. They won't look back and think a but I needed this environment or that one. It will be this one had this opportunity and I didn't. I have seen this first hand. Not an easy choice.

My older sibling went to private school and I went to a state school as I was clever and it was assumed I would do well anywhere. Whilst I certainly did well academically, I never really fitted in and now don't have the same confidence as my sibling, nor do I have a friendship group from school. I would have benefited from the private school environment and I do feel resentful I wasn't given that option.

dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

So she needs a special school for her talents it s fine.

You can buy dd1 a Sumnmer school.in science etc . Invest on other ways in her interests and education. A field trip to borneo or Costa Rica for example if interested in nature . Membership junior for science orgs . Subscription to new scientist. Outings to geographical org talks in London plenty you can do with her

Don't make it seem like she is being dumped in state..she isn't!

These are not cheap so you could fund this... (tho Trussell trust has similar for low income eg ucl )

summerspringboard.com/lp/oxford/?utm_source=google_search&utm_medium=search_text&utm_campaign=prospecting_campus&utm_term=oxford&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmt24BhDPARIsAJFYKk3-uPr7CXnIwMfZczcY46-Qmmi3FHfaZWSQ2BIfgOE1-CUVnvgHN7kaAmj9EALw_wcB

I disagree. It is only really as an adult looking at private schools for my children do I truly understand the advantages it gives. At 13 I couldn't see why I should move from my state school to private when it was perfectly ok. Also meeting people in the workplace who have had this advantage makes me realise what I missed out on.

It’s strange though, most mumsnetters insist private’s an utter waste of money. Many adults who went private say they would rather have gone to state because they didn’t like it, even though they may or may not have liked state. Adults really should have enough critical thinking skills to see that.

Personally at work and in life I’ve never noticed that private educated people are any different to anyone else. Our experiences are all individual.

FWIW I have one in private, due to a state school going rapidly downhill (RAAC issue), shes happy enough there and is doing well but is intending to go back to state for 6th form.

You don’t see a difference until you’re in senior positions in certain industries where suddenly everyone was educated privately and have shared stories of school skiing trips etc.

That is very much a tiny minority of private school pupils though and is likely to change in the future.

I think this is, in essence, the difference between the major public schools and minor day schools, but I wonder to what extent this is a uniquely British quirk and less relevant to an Australian OP. It’s misleading to describe them all homogeneously as ‘private’. A really well-run state school will knock spots off many mediocre private schools.

I dunno but I rather imagine that when we talk about families with one child in state and one in private, we are talking specifically about the privately educated child being in a minor day school rather than at Eton……

And you are right the two things are not in any way comparable.

Give dd the option to go private for 6th form? If really needs balanced out

Imagine winning a scholarship to a school and not being able to go because your big sister didn’t want to switch and your parents wanted you both at the same place…..

Could you level it up by making sure DD1 goes on all her school trips, including ski-ing if they offer it? Or by offering her another out of school activity she’d like to try. Books don’t really cut it imo.

I have had 2 in Grammar and one in Private after not getting on at the local state . The middle child is a little resentful of his brother being at private but wouldn’t want to join him !

I will be trying very hard to save towards uni for him so that he doesn’t end up with massive loans and he has an expensive hobby which we cover no questions .

We live quite frugally otherwise - no flash clothes cars or holidays but he doesn’t seem to have noticed that !

dd2 does do an orchestra and a music theory class in the conservatorium, its just not a saturday school. Her teacher suggest the private school as quite a few great musicians in the city graduates from there.

I wouldn’t send dd1 given the circumstances to the private school however are you able to set aside the same amount spent on her sister’s eduction into an account for DD1?