For sending only one of our daughters to private school

[FlakySwan]

I have two daughters, and they are currently in years 6 and 8. Where we live schools are split into primary school (kindy to 6) and high school (7 to 12). dd1, who is in year 8, goes to a selective state school. She is doing really well there as she is pretty academic and thrives in that environment. There has been a lot of opportunities for her to extend her knowledge, in the subjects she is interested in. She is also in one of the top sets, which naturally gives her a smaller class size and extension work.

My year 6, dd2, does okay academically, but is not as inclined that way compared to her sister. I think she will get lost in the crowd should she attend the state school her sister attends. This option is always open for her as we live in the local catchment. dd2, however, is an exceptional musician and has obtained a diploma in both the cello and piano.

At the private school near where we live, dd2 has gotten a music scholarship which partially covers the school fees. My husband and I want to send dd2 there as they have a wonderful music program and smaller classes for everyone. We can afford to send both daughters to the private school if we wanted, but I genuinely feel like the state school suits dd1 better and the private school suits dd2.

We don't want to be unfair to dd1, and we are happy to pay for dd1's schooling too, but I think it should be more about finding a school that suits them. My husband is having some hesitations as we pay considerably more for dd2 as it costs money for her music lessons, competitions, and other musical opportunities she often have, but we are happy to pay for dd1 to learn as well, and she is doing a language lesson outside of school. I would also like to add that some of the science opportunities dd1 has at her state school won't be available at the private school.

OP's daughter has obtained an extremely high standard in both piano and cello at a very young age. It is more than a hobby.

Trips to museums, watching documentaries together, reading about her areas of interest so you can discuss them knowledgeably, choosing family holiday destinations for connections to her areas of interest, attending public lectures at universities…?

Yanbu. There are 3 options

1. send each child to the school that meets their needs best.

2. send dd2 to state school even though you can afford more suitable school that suits her better so both sisters are the same.

3. also move dd1 to private school even though thriving and happy at current school so both sisters are the same.

In my mind option 1 will have least chance of causing resentment. As long as dd1 knows you feel her school is best for her, but if she would like to explore other private schools you will then i am sure she will be happy with her choice.

I went to a smaller selective state grammar school after passing my 11+, my brother went to a large top private secondary school. We were both privately educated at primary school.
While academically the secondary schools gave similar exam results our experiences while there were wildly different. You cannot underestimate the difference in experience.
Luckily both my brother and I have had success in life but if backed into a corner I would say that it does sting that my brother had over £100k more invested in his education by our parents than I did. This is the kind of thing that isn’t a problem when life is going well, I can easily see how in a family this could create rifts in the future if life success was to turn out differently

It seems you're parenting responsively. Why not ask your older daughter how she feels?

Sit DD1 down and ask her how she would feel about it if that would help your conscience. However YADNBU as you're giving both adds the education you feel suits them both best. You're not taking from one to give to the other.
What would be Unreasonable would be to not give DD2 that amazing scholarship opportunity just because you personally feel it's uneven. That would be awful

The private/state schooling issue is a red herring here.
The standard of your 10 year old DD2's musical talent is so prodigious (unless something is being lost in translation) that it is a significant investment of family resources - both time and financially. It sounds like you have plenty of money and can afford to ensure the same amount of money is available for DD1 if/when she needs it in the future.
The bigger issue is the investment of parental time that DD2 gets because of her huge talent, and the knock-on effect on DD1. (And of course, issues for the prodigy themselves can often arise as they get older.)
Your DD1 doesn't have the kind of prodigal talent DD2 has - or she'd be working at degree level already. But our worth isn't linked to our talent, and this is something important for both your girls to learn.
In your shoes, I'd be spending as much time as possible with DD1 just connecting... go to the cinema/theatre to catch shows that DD2 is too young for, going for coffee and to visit a bookstore, going to museums and galleries. I'd also take DD1 to visit the private school on a separate trip to DD2, and ask the school to focus on DD1 and her abilities while she's there. Separately, I'd be trying to ensure that DD2 has as much time as possible to just be a kid, and that the pressure on her WRT to music is as low as possible.

Regardless of cost send them where they are suited. Your elder daughter may be happy where she is so may not want to move anyway. Mine go to different schools as they have different needs. If I’d had to pay I would have made the same decision.

My older sibling went to a private secondary school which they started from year 6, not year 7. They're very very clever and our primary school just wasn't good enough. My parents couldn't afford the fees at first but then made it work. I was supposed to go to a grammar school but didn't get in. I never minded going to a normal school and my sibling going private. Private school would have been wasted on me. With my cousins, one went to grammar and the other went to private. I think it's more common than people realise. I don't think it's unfair. We are all different.

Question is - would DD1 have chosen the private school had the choice been given to her back when she was in year 6? It was never going to be a straightforward choice for her to make now she’s in her second year of secondary, has settled in and made friends.

I would definitely try come up with ways to make it all fairer, both financially and how much time you dedicate to each child’s interests, hobbies etc.

You say this now because you never experienced private school. But it’s the kids who don’t do well academically who benefit most from going to private school. Eg several of my neices have built thriving businesses straight out of school because they managed to get early seed funding and business support from their friends’ parents. You can’t miss what you don’t know.

I had a similar situation, DC1 in selective state secondary and DC2 in private because private was able to provide DC2 the environment and support they needed at that time. My thoughts are you do what is best for child. However, DC1 was asked termly if they wanted to switch to private but they never did. DC2 joined DC1 in selective state secondary in Yr8. The cost & amount spent on DC2 never bothered or worried me until DC1 went to Uni. Am I prepared to let DC1 leave Uni with £50,000 in debt when I paid far more than that on DC2’s education for 4 years? This situation really doesn’t sit well with me and so I am paying DC1’s UnI costs. No doubt I will pay for DC2’s too.

This is my experience too

I think this will cause huge issues if I’m honest

its the type of thing I’ve seen in therapy sessions (online) when one child feels more loved than the other.

You seem very perceptive. I wish my parents had seen the irony in this and perhaps, as a gesture, paid my uni fees to level the playing field somewhat.

Your reasons are totally justifiable.

But my worry would be about when they are older. Will one feel hard done by compared to the other?

It might seem trivial now but resentment can drive a wedge between siblings. Other than this it makes sense to place them both where they will thrive even if that's in different schools.

You are not at all unreasonable. You can do other things for your eldest daughter.

I'm sure they will both do very well.

I'm confused about the top sets being smaller in size. The tops sets when I was at school were 30+ with only 6-10 children in sets 5 and 6.

Same for my older son.

This is a great approach

Fair is not always equal in the moment.
You say that DD1 is more academic. You may end up supporting her through undergrad and masters.
We supported our children in their ambitions. One went through uni, the other went to work at 18, and we helped by paying for lessons and a first car.
Life is long so don't tie yourself in knots about parity being related to costs, it's not

I'm confused about the top sets being smaller in size. The tops sets when I was at school were 30+ with only 6-10 children in sets 5 and 6
Same for my older son

In what country?

@FlakySwan

To be honest both my sister and I feel strongly even now that we were sent to the wrong school because we weren't sent to a school that really suited the eldest but didn't suit us, so fair play to you YANBU.

Were*

I’m not sure we can apply the same principle if you are not in the U.K as education can vary hugely at international schools.

No, it's fine. Spending money doesn't always equal love and support, it's important what individual children need.
I went to a state school while my sibling went to a private school which suited her better. I ended up with a better education.