Page 18 | Is this revenge on the OW fair or not?

InterIgnis · 23/10/2024 18:04

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 23/10/2024 17:43

As the wife of someone whose DH had an affair, I am embarrassed to say I behaved in a manner I never thought I would. Until it happens to you or your family, you cannot judge.

Does the same apply to a woman that is an OW? Or a cheating husband? What if they’re behaving in way they never thought they would, because of X, Y, or Z trauma?

No, you absolutely can judge. The majority of criminals, or just people that have done something deemed bad, have a reason for why they acted as they did, but that doesn’t mean they’re not responsible for their actions and cannot be held accountable for them.

ShinyShona · 23/10/2024 18:11

Dervel · 23/10/2024 17:38

I have reflected on a cognitive dissonance I have with all of this which I have to separate. On the one hand revenge porn really pisses me off, in cases of ex boyfriends or whomever. It doesn’t raise my rage as much in this instance, because I have some sympathy for the daughter. Plus an empathy for her hurt and rage. Intellectually I know it’s illegal/harms the victim, so it SHOULD be adjudicated on that basis.

I guess there is something in me that has less sympathy in seeing people who wreck families when they face some sort of consequence for their actions. I rather suspect that if the “escort” photos had been cropped to imply nudity without actually showing it I’d probably think “fair enough, probably taking it a bit far and it’s still not especially healthy behaviour for the daughter to have done it, but I get how she feels”.

Would I have given her 3 years? Possibly not, and if I was sat on a Jury where that sort of reprimand was on the table I’d be tempted to nullify. On the other hand if you were to ask me is posting nude pictures of anyone publicly online ever justified? I’d answer unequivocally no, so what I SHOULD do as a juror is actually very clear indeed.

I don't think it matters who the perpetrator was, the impact on the victim is the same. So the sentence should be the same.

AnnieSnap · 23/10/2024 18:16

It isn’t the OW who tears a family apart, it’s the actions of the cheating spouse.

sumayyah · 23/10/2024 18:17

Nope not acceptable at all ever

My father cheated on my mother from when we were little kids, found out as older teens

When I met her first thing she said was how much I look like my mum and told me not to blame my dad as she chased after him....... don't worry love, enough blame for you both because a. My dad made vows to my mother, if he wasn't happy he could have just left her and b. You admit you chased after a married man
But while I think what they did to my mum was vile revenge porn is lower than a snakes belly

Another2Cats · 23/10/2024 18:29

Dervel · 23/10/2024 17:38

I have reflected on a cognitive dissonance I have with all of this which I have to separate. On the one hand revenge porn really pisses me off, in cases of ex boyfriends or whomever. It doesn’t raise my rage as much in this instance, because I have some sympathy for the daughter. Plus an empathy for her hurt and rage. Intellectually I know it’s illegal/harms the victim, so it SHOULD be adjudicated on that basis.

I guess there is something in me that has less sympathy in seeing people who wreck families when they face some sort of consequence for their actions. I rather suspect that if the “escort” photos had been cropped to imply nudity without actually showing it I’d probably think “fair enough, probably taking it a bit far and it’s still not especially healthy behaviour for the daughter to have done it, but I get how she feels”.

Would I have given her 3 years? Possibly not, and if I was sat on a Jury where that sort of reprimand was on the table I’d be tempted to nullify. On the other hand if you were to ask me is posting nude pictures of anyone publicly online ever justified? I’d answer unequivocally no, so what I SHOULD do as a juror is actually very clear indeed.

"It doesn’t raise my rage as much in this instance, because I have some sympathy for the daughter."

I presume that you are talking about the daughter of the victim here? Who was targeted by the offender and, as the judge said in the sentencing remarks:

“One of the most egregious and vindictive aspects of this case is that you took the time to draft a lengthy and vitriolic message to their daughter. You sought to drag her into your unhappy existence which was shameful.”

Or are you perhaps siding with the offender and victim blaming?

Butchyrestingface · 23/10/2024 18:29

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 23/10/2024 17:43

As the wife of someone whose DH had an affair, I am embarrassed to say I behaved in a manner I never thought I would. Until it happens to you or your family, you cannot judge.

Oh aye, quite so. I imagine that's the attitude Gisèle Pelicot's husband was hoping people would take about what HE did to her. After all, she cheated him on him in the 1980s.

skyscrapersinging · 23/10/2024 18:37

She sounds positively unhinged. As does OP for suggesting that it sounds a reasonable course to take. Why didn’t she also blame Dad? Or is it only women that are to blame for men’s bad behaviour?

Lollipop81 · 23/10/2024 18:46

AlwaysYoshi · 22/10/2024 03:26

I find the comment by the affair partner/victim a little offputting:
“I find it hard to believe a woman would do this to another woman”

She knowingly had an affair, she knowingly sent nudes that could (and did) get seen by others - did she deserve what happened? No. Did she make poor choices that led to this? Yes.

i think the daughter did deserve jail but it seems disproportionate to receive three years when child sex offenders receive probation or convicted rapists received less time. It doesn’t seem comparable.

Totally agree with this. Yes she was totally in the wrong but 3 years. Huw Edward’s didn’t get a prison sentence for what he did. Doesn’t make sense.

MustWeDoThis · 23/10/2024 18:48

pinkgown · 22/10/2024 02:58

Obviously we don't have the whole story, but would you be tempted to do this, to take revenge on the OW on your mother's behalf? I think I might, if I felt my mother and my family had been torn apart by her actions.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj9j9lpgjxlo

I find it ironic that the "victim" said the following "I cannot believe that a woman could do this to another woman" - I mean...that is beyond double standards and hypocrisy. She tore another woman's heart apart and that of her female children!

Osirus · 23/10/2024 18:50

AlwaysYoshi · 22/10/2024 03:26

I find the comment by the affair partner/victim a little offputting:
“I find it hard to believe a woman would do this to another woman”

She knowingly had an affair, she knowingly sent nudes that could (and did) get seen by others - did she deserve what happened? No. Did she make poor choices that led to this? Yes.

i think the daughter did deserve jail but it seems disproportionate to receive three years when child sex offenders receive probation or convicted rapists received less time. It doesn’t seem comparable.

I think the long sentence is justified. It’s so easy to commit this sort of crime - just clicking a few buttons and it’s done, but so incredibly damaging.

Vynalbob · 23/10/2024 18:54

No.
If karma is due it's due to be directed at the cheater.

Osirus · 23/10/2024 19:05

PearlyQueenie · 22/10/2024 08:14

I find it hard to believe a woman would do this to another woman

The cheek of the marriage/ family destroyer.

I do believe you should be able to take revenge on the OW (after your DH has been thrown out, taken to the cleaners and lost his friends and family). Why should she get off Scott free? I’d have kept it to getting her into trouble at work (if work affair), telling her DH and making sure everyone knew she was morally bankrupt but then I am a very unforgiving person.

Thing is, some things can get you into trouble with the law, so best to stay on the right side.

Anyone stupid enough to send nudes can’t be surprised if they end up being circulated. If someone asked me to send a nude, I’d just say no.

My word. Are you 12?

kkloo · 23/10/2024 19:09

MustWeDoThis · 23/10/2024 18:48

I find it ironic that the "victim" said the following "I cannot believe that a woman could do this to another woman" - I mean...that is beyond double standards and hypocrisy. She tore another woman's heart apart and that of her female children!

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Well I think the difference there is that when a lot of people cheat they're doing it for fun and pleasure and because they enjoy the connection with the other person. The selfishness of course can cause a huge amount of pain and trauma for the ones who were cheated on but their actions aren't coming from a place of trying to hurt or harm someone.

FracturedRainbowRed · 23/10/2024 19:15

NO!!! That's not even a consideration! It's never an option. It's sick.
She doesn't have to like her. She is welcome to hate her. That's fine (although I'm wondering why more blame isn't being levelled at her father here) but to put another woman's body on display for men to utilise as they see fit for their own little wnk fantasies is wrong on so many levels. Those images will be out there forever. You don't know who has them, how widespread they are. It's a sick thing to do to another woman. Plus the daughter ends up with a criminal record - related to sex offences. Career options now limited. What a waste. All because dad couldn't keep it in his pants. Honestly though, what were the sister and mother doing encouraging this ridiculousness???
Marriages end, affairs happen. It's utter sht, it's heartbreaking but this kind of "retribution"? Never the answer

FracturedRainbowRed · 23/10/2024 19:23

She did wrong, absolutely, but I agree that a woman doing that to another woman is reprehensible. We have enough sexual crimes committed against us by men already. Did dad's d*ck pics end up out there? Because I'll guarantee he sent some if she's sending nudes too. And that woman didn't break the family on her own, he is 50% accountable. My ex husband cheated on me. I have no love for the woman believe me but at the end of the day he is the one that cheated on me. He lied to me. She's accountable as well but i would never degrade myself by showing they hurt me. Head high. Move on. And my kids never heard me bad mouth their father. They were free to make their own decisions in their own relationship with their father. They have no contact now because he showed where his priorities lie. I didn't have to do anything except have some dignity and self respect and let his chickens come home to roost

GimmeHRT · 23/10/2024 19:24

So the mother supplied the photos and sister wound her up? The mother and sister need to take responsibility for this. Sister has left police force.

meanwhile dad was letting this all happen around him?

clearly this is a family with issues

FracturedRainbowRed · 23/10/2024 19:28

It happened to mine. My parents when I was a child and later my own marriage. I would never do this. I didn't even lower myself to slanging matches because that's what he would have wanted. If I'd acted unhinged he could happily lay the blame for the affair at my feet. I'd never give him the satisfaction.
I understand though when women verbally lash out, let cars etc. it's not right but I get the anger.
This wasn't a spur of the moment actually of vengeance. It took planning. It is a sex based crime. That is never right. I feel for the daughter, I really do, she should have been given better emotional support than she was

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2024 19:33

Resitinas · 23/10/2024 10:32

Maybe if she'd been the least bit remorseful. But she wasn't. So, no. Prison is absolutely the right course of action.

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Did you read the story under it?
Suspended sentence for the sexual abuse of a six year old. I read violent/sexually abusive men walking free from court, or getting only months in prison, while non violent women get years.
https://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/18887151.man-sentenced-sexually-assaulting-six-year-old/

Man sentenced for sexually assaulting six-year-old

A man who committed sex offences against a six-year-old girl has today been given a suspended sentence.

https://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/18887151.man-sentenced-sexually-assaulting-six-year-old

Niceandkneesy · 23/10/2024 20:27

No, I don’t think it’s fair . . .
a) mother using the daughter to exact revenge is perverse
b) harboring resentment for over 12 years is sad and disturbing
c) aiming vitriolic harassment at innocent OW’s child is not acceptable
d) posting private photos on public forum advertising sex is sick and twisted
and finally, 2 family members worked for the police, how did they not know this would be illegal, is beyond belief.

excepting the affair happened . . . 12 years ago, why no opprobrium been levelled at the father?

sorry but it’s symptomatic of a fucked up family.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/10/2024 21:02

Ponoka7 · 23/10/2024 19:33

Did you read the story under it?
Suspended sentence for the sexual abuse of a six year old. I read violent/sexually abusive men walking free from court, or getting only months in prison, while non violent women get years.
https://www.gazetteherald.co.uk/news/18887151.man-sentenced-sexually-assaulting-six-year-old/

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The fact that he was given a suspended sentence is disgusting. It doesn't mean the sentence given to Brown is wrong though. Her sentence shouldn't be reduced, other sentences should be increased.

EmeraldA129 · 23/10/2024 21:56

DiddyRa · 22/10/2024 03:00

Yep let’s blame other women instead of the men. Sounds about right. Those poor little helpless men just can’t help shagging around.

Came here to say this

Thefsm · 23/10/2024 22:23

Nope. Never justified to do that to another woman.

I am the wronged wife in my own story and I considered putting up posters around their work outing their behavior but realised the only one it damages is me. I did nothing. In petty moments I imagine sending their texts to future employers of her etc. but I never even confronted her or met her.

revenge hurts you more than the other person. Hate is such a bitter emotion to keep inside. Better released so you can stop thinking about it.

Katej82 · 23/10/2024 22:39

pinkgown · 22/10/2024 02:58

Obviously we don't have the whole story, but would you be tempted to do this, to take revenge on the OW on your mother's behalf? I think I might, if I felt my mother and my family had been torn apart by her actions.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cj9j9lpgjxlo

No I wouldn't even though I think I'd be extremely angry and upset, because it's not just one party who's at fault also it's just degrading and terribly wrong, the ow right or wrong has a family, children, privacy that is her human right. The affair was back in 2010 so this girl has planned revenge for years, she set up an escort account as ow with the images of ow with the ow husband's contact number, this is far beyond sharing images of ow naked which is bad enough. It seems when the affair happened this woman was a teenager at the time so there is some understanding as to why she'd feel like getting revenge, perhaps she's fixated on the fact this woman has ruined her life but why not blame her dad! perhaps it's really disturbed her at that time and maybe if she'd received counselling and support then it may never have happened. But I think she deserves to do prison time it's a dreadful thing she's done no matter what the ow did you can't break the law to make it right.

kkloo · 23/10/2024 23:48

Gloriia · 23/10/2024 17:54

I wouldn't feel differently about everything, I would be immensely pissed off if anyone close to me who had shared online nudes then had them reposted publicly in an attempt to harass. I instill in our dc to be incredibly mindful and careful for this very reason that once you press send you lose control.

That said if someone with an axe to grind did indeed circulate publicly such images I would want and expect the police to be involved but for the sentence to be community hours, rehab/therapy and a tag. I would not want anyone who didn't have any previous convictions going to prison fo 3 years for such a low level, albeit unpleasant, offence.

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It's not low level, it can cause significant trauma, just like other sex crimes.

CommonAsMucklowe · 24/10/2024 07:40

Pathetic family. Sounds like a folie á trois!