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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I shag the 25 year old

647 replies

NotmyrealNC · 21/10/2024 22:39

NC for obvious reasons.

Long story short, I'm 6 months out of an abusive marriage. Not in any way ready to date or for a relationship, I'm still far too hurt to even contemplate that. But I do miss sex.

Last week, a guy randomly approached me and gave me his number. We've chatted a bit, it turns out he's 10 years younger than me. From his messages, I get the impression he's only after one thing.

I'm really, really tempted. I could really do with a good shag. But I'm also worried it could go horribly wrong and leave me feeling terrible. So, please help me decide. WIBU to shag the 25 year old?!

OP posts:
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9
Lyannaa · 22/10/2024 00:17

@TheSnugHare don't patronise me - you are young enough to be my daughter. And I know far more about autism than you - I have 3 autistic children. I think that you are projecting your insecurity about your relationship.

Rather than being outraged that women in their 30s might be interested in your boyfriend, it might be better to reflect on why you don't trust him.

Bee43 · 22/10/2024 00:18

NotmyrealNC · 22/10/2024 00:10

I appreciate those saying things along these lines - as that's entirely what I'm worried about. That I might still be more vulnerable than I realise.

I think I'm describing him that way because although he's nice looking, he's not really my usual 'type', so there wasn't a great thunderclap of attraction or anything.

Show quote history

Meh, there is not always a massive physical attraction straight away with someone. But there was obviously something that made you want to take his number.

I would actually say that most casual sex tends to be based on immediate physical attraction only, rather than the person being sweet and this is why I commented that maybe you might like him in a bit of a deeper sense than “I just want to have sex with that guy”

it would be very normal to want an emotional connection with someone who seems sweet sweet after being through such a rough time with your ex. Even if it’s unintentional and you tell yourself you just want sex.

its worth having a think about whether you really want to sleep with this guy when there’s not masses of physical attraction, and there is the risk of getting attached emotionally- he may also like you and not just want sex, so it’s definitely worth asking him via text before agreeing to meet. I’m sure he will appreciate you being upfront.

Lyannaa · 22/10/2024 00:18

@HollyKnight yes, thank you.

TheSnugHare · 22/10/2024 00:19

Lyannaa · 22/10/2024 00:17

@TheSnugHare don't patronise me - you are young enough to be my daughter. And I know far more about autism than you - I have 3 autistic children. I think that you are projecting your insecurity about your relationship.

Rather than being outraged that women in their 30s might be interested in your boyfriend, it might be better to reflect on why you don't trust him.

i don’t care that you are 35 that doesn’t mean I should respect you automatically just because you’re older than me it’s disgusting that you could be sexually or romantically interested in an autistic 20 year old person

HollyKnight · 22/10/2024 00:19

Bondii · 22/10/2024 00:16

Yeah I realised that after I posted. In fairness, she doesn't say he is autistic. Just that she thinks he probably is.

Show quote history

Not to stereotype, but ND people do tend to recognise other ND people. Or at least tend to be drawn to them because of familiarity.

Lyannaa · 22/10/2024 00:19

I am not 35 🙄

Lyannaa · 22/10/2024 00:20

Yes we do. Because we are on the same wavelength.

Bondii · 22/10/2024 00:21

HollyKnight · 22/10/2024 00:19

Not to stereotype, but ND people do tend to recognise other ND people. Or at least tend to be drawn to them because of familiarity.

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Yes, I'm ND. And I also look very young for my age (another reason she gave). I still think it's disgusting.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 22/10/2024 00:21

i don’t care that you are 35 that doesn’t mean I should respect you automatically just because you’re older than me it’s disgusting that you could be sexually or romantically interested in an autistic 20 year old person

By that same logic your boyfriend is a disgusting perve to be shagging a teenager.

Negroany · 22/10/2024 00:22

TheSnugHare · 22/10/2024 00:14

20 year olds aren’t biologically children no but their brains haven’t developed until they’re atleast 25, if they have autism themselves they will have developmental delay in areas of their brain which extends that - because that’s what autism is, developmental delay! But besides that it’s gross that a 30 year something year old woman could look at a 20 year old man and think a certain way about him but now you’ve explained you’re autistic yourself it explains why you can’t see that cos you won’t understand what’s socially acceptable

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Autism is NOT a developmental delay.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/14814-developmental-delay-in-children

^ other easy to Google links are available. Before you say anything else ablist.

Developmental Delay in Children: Symptoms, Causes & Outlook

A developmental delay happens when your child is slow to reach one or more developmental milestones compared to their peers.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/14814-developmental-delay-in-children

HollyKnight · 22/10/2024 00:24

Bondii · 22/10/2024 00:21

Yes, I'm ND. And I also look very young for my age (another reason she gave). I still think it's disgusting.

Show quote history

That's fine. Personally I've always thought men look their most attractive around 27-29. Before that they're a bit baby-faced, and after that they might as well be 50.

Lucy25 · 22/10/2024 00:25

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/10/2024 22:50

No he’s a child (in comparison).

A child at 25 yrs old😂 If it was the other way around, op was 25, he was 35, then would that be ok?

sftt · 22/10/2024 00:25

Do it. It'll be part of his education.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 22/10/2024 00:26

That's fine. Personally I've always thought men look their most attractive around 27-29

That's practically the same window as avocados 😂

Original poster
NotmyrealNC · 22/10/2024 00:26

Bee43 · 22/10/2024 00:18

Meh, there is not always a massive physical attraction straight away with someone. But there was obviously something that made you want to take his number.

I would actually say that most casual sex tends to be based on immediate physical attraction only, rather than the person being sweet and this is why I commented that maybe you might like him in a bit of a deeper sense than “I just want to have sex with that guy”

it would be very normal to want an emotional connection with someone who seems sweet sweet after being through such a rough time with your ex. Even if it’s unintentional and you tell yourself you just want sex.

its worth having a think about whether you really want to sleep with this guy when there’s not masses of physical attraction, and there is the risk of getting attached emotionally- he may also like you and not just want sex, so it’s definitely worth asking him via text before agreeing to meet. I’m sure he will appreciate you being upfront.

Show quote history

You may be right and I'll definitely give it some thought.

My main feelings after my abusive relationship have been that I don't want to emotionally get close to anyone ever again - hence me thinking that the young opportunist might be a good prospect for something casual. But maybe there's something subconscious going on as you say.

Now I'm overthinking it even more!

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHoody · 22/10/2024 00:26

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 22/10/2024 00:26

That's fine. Personally I've always thought men look their most attractive around 27-29

That's practically the same window as avocados 😂

OMG dying at this comment 😂🫠

Original poster
NotmyrealNC · 22/10/2024 00:27

HollyKnight · 22/10/2024 00:24

That's fine. Personally I've always thought men look their most attractive around 27-29. Before that they're a bit baby-faced, and after that they might as well be 50.

Show quote history

To be fair, I tend to agree.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 22/10/2024 00:29

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 22/10/2024 00:26

That's fine. Personally I've always thought men look their most attractive around 27-29

That's practically the same window as avocados 😂

That's too accurate lol. They go off so quickly. Avocados too.

SeventyFiveNineteen · 22/10/2024 00:29

TheSnugHare · 22/10/2024 00:14

20 year olds aren’t biologically children no but their brains haven’t developed until they’re atleast 25, if they have autism themselves they will have developmental delay in areas of their brain which extends that - because that’s what autism is, developmental delay! But besides that it’s gross that a 30 year something year old woman could look at a 20 year old man and think a certain way about him but now you’ve explained you’re autistic yourself it explains why you can’t see that cos you won’t understand what’s socially acceptable

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‘you won’t understand what’s socially acceptable’

The IRONY 😂

‘because that’s what autism is, developmental delay!’

You’re embarrassing yourself. Educate yourself. Silly girl, if not a troll…

healthybychristmas · 22/10/2024 00:31

Do you really feel you have to sleep with everyone who wants to sleep with you? He approached you and asked you for sex. Can you not see how wrong that is? He is not interested in you at all. He just wants another notch.

Original poster
NotmyrealNC · 22/10/2024 00:34

healthybychristmas · 22/10/2024 00:31

Do you really feel you have to sleep with everyone who wants to sleep with you? He approached you and asked you for sex. Can you not see how wrong that is? He is not interested in you at all. He just wants another notch.

Not at all! See my previous posts.

OP posts:
tintedstratus · 22/10/2024 00:35

To paraphrase Marsha from Spaced: ride him like a bitch from hell.

McSilkson · 22/10/2024 00:41

TheSnugHare · 21/10/2024 23:50

Well I didn’t realise that 35 year old women would consider a 25 year old man so next time I see someone around that age I won’t assume they aren’t interested

Edited
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Maybe you should work on fixing your own insecurity, instead of making ageist and sexist assumptions about other women. Did you think all women in their mid 30s were safely shut up in their homes, sipping on Horlicks, incapable of feeling attraction to an adult man in his prime?

So, you're presumably attracted to men older than yourself - and your boyfriend is presumably attracted to younger women still in their teens - but you don't think it can work the other way around between two bona fide adults? That old sexist double standard... 🙄

And, let's face it, if your 25-yr-old boyfriend were to hook up with a 35-yr-old woman, it would be entirely his responsibility for cheating on you, not the hypothetical temptress woman, who could be completely unaware of your existence. You've managed to simultaneously demonstrate a lack of faith in your relationship/boyfriend, and make women the baddies when it comes to men in relationships cheating. Congrats!

These threads never fail to bring out the most sexist, ageist and ridiculous views to be found on Mumsnet. Lots of threads on this forum hand-wringing about snowflakes, helicopter parenting and the latest generations being ill-equipped to deal with adult life, while people on this thread are describing adults in their mid 20s as "children"! Gee, perhaps there could be a connection... 🙄

anyfright · 22/10/2024 00:45

Definitely. All men lose their looks by the time they're 30. You're both in your prime. Go for it.

McSilkson · 22/10/2024 00:50

TheSnugHare · 22/10/2024 00:14

20 year olds aren’t biologically children no but their brains haven’t developed until they’re atleast 25, if they have autism themselves they will have developmental delay in areas of their brain which extends that - because that’s what autism is, developmental delay! But besides that it’s gross that a 30 year something year old woman could look at a 20 year old man and think a certain way about him but now you’ve explained you’re autistic yourself it explains why you can’t see that cos you won’t understand what’s socially acceptable

Show quote history

20 year olds aren’t biologically children no but their brains haven’t developed until they’re atleast 25,

BINGO!!!

Your brain isn't "fully developed" until you're dead. We grow and change throughout life, and we all "mature" in various ways at different ages.