Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

[MyGreenCat]

Hello. I’m just back from a holiday with husband, son (8) and my two step children. While on holiday, we had two events booked. One for me and our son and one for my husband and stepchildren due to the events being for different age groups. Anyway, before the event we all returned to our rooms after getting something to eat from the restaurant. My husband put his vape on the bed and went to have a shower. He came back and it was gone. He couldn’t find it so started blaming and shouting at our son asking him where he hid it. Our son has a long history of hiding things, (phones, money, controls etc). I calmly asked if he had moved it and if so, he wouldn’t be in trouble (obviously) that we just wanted to find it before going out again. Husband started shouting where is it, I know you’ve moved it, it’s always my stuff you move. (It isn’t, he moves my things too, I don’t shout and rage about it though). He had another one with him so could have just opened it but refused and said no, I want to find the one that’s been moved. Son is standing with his hands on his head saying, I’m getting so stressed out. I felt so bad for him so kept saying to husband maybe he didn’t move it as you didn’t see him I’ve it so you can’t prove it. He just kept saying, oh I know he moved it, I’m so sick of this. Kicked some shopping bags that had clothes it. We still don’t know if he moved it or not. Even if he did move it, husband shouldn’t have reacted like this. Now that we’re home, I can’t even look at him without being annoyed. He thinks it’s not a big deal and annoyed that I don’t want to speak to him. What do I do?

A normal reaction for an addict losing what they’re addicted to, certainly! His normal reaction to all the other stealing was that it was amusing!

Your child's behaviour is not normal. You and your husband's reactions to it are not working. This needs to be dealt with as it appears to have become entrenched behaviour. It is NOT a phase 8yr olds go through

I'm so tired if this new 'i shall never shout or allow anyone to shout at my kids. Shouting is perfectly acceptable as a mean to express frustration.

The point is 'there is shouting and shouting. Shouting that could elicit fear is absolutely wrong, but shouting to express being fed up at totally inappropriate behaviour is a fair way to convey it.

Ultimately, if it is agreed within the family that shouting is not acceptable, you need a mean to show children that behaviours are inappropriate in a way that convey consequences.

In your case, it sounds that the alternative behaviour is to do...nothing, which is why it most likely is ongoing.

So your issue isn't that he shouted it's that he hasn't taken it seriously before? It doesn't sound like any of you have to be honest. You need to get on the same page with your DH in how you are going to tackle this because it's already gone WAY past normal behaviour.

When you say he doesn't steal from school anymore how long has it been since he did?

I agree that your husband acted like an addict that had lost the most important thing to him. Your husband should not be raging and kicking things infront of children, nor should he be leaving vapes within a child's reach. I wouldn't want someone like this around my DC.

Are you sure he isn't still stealing from school or shops? He may just have got better at hiding his spoils, in the same way he probably disposed of the vape.

I'd be confiscating something of his that he values such as a game or ipad and he would only be getting it back a week after he returns whatever he took. If he doesn't return it within the week, whatever I confiscated would be sold on ebay and the money used to replace the stolen item. None of this wishy washy 'having a chat' shit.

I got the impression from OP that all previous missing item had later been found so there was no financial loss to be recouped on EBay. While all items taken from other places had been returned to their rightful owners. The missing vape seems to be the first to have completely disappeared!

@Dramatic Yes, why choose that time to get angry. Why go on about it to family/friends and think it’s funny to then choose that moment to flip out. He hasn’t stolen from school/shop in two years so what I was doing clearly worked. Just hasn’t worked at home but probably because of husband’s attitude around the situation. Yes, something else has to be done to stop it happening at home also but hard when husband doesn’t help in the matter, then picks and chooses when to be angry about it.

A ticking time bomb? You are going on like her husband's only problem was that he needed a hit on his vape and was rolling around on the floor having withdrawals lol it's a vape not a fucking crack pipe but at least you aren't overreacting. If he had taken money would you be saying "your husbands reaction is because he has an addiction to spending and he is only going mad because he can't go shopping"

It's got nothing to do with the vape really has it? It's that the 8 year old is constantly taking things from people and it would piss me off too and anyone would snap.

Not sure this theory works due to yous DS history of hiding things but, is it possible he hid it because he’s worried about his dad? My mum was a smoker growing up and about that age we were getting all the anti smoke/drink/drugs stuff in school, I was convinced my mum was going to die and I used to hide her fags all the time. Maybe a conversation about any worries your son might have. And if he’s just doing it to be a pest he needs a firm talking to. DHs reaction not ok but I can see why he was pissed off and even if he did over react we’ve all lost our cool here and there, I wouldn’t be giving him the silent treatment days later over it.

He hides phones, money and controls to though

The "angry pathetic addict" stuff is probably a red herring, I think. The DH had a spare vape, and if he'd been feeling in need of some nicotine he would've surely opened it as soon as he realised he couldn't find the other one. IMO it's more likely a combination of having a deadline to get to something that had been booked, while being out of routine and away from home and around family 24/7, and it being something that children shouldn't even touch, that meant that this was the time he snapped — not whatever the precise missing item happened to be. Even nice things can raise stress levels and put you nearer your snapping threshold for something you might usually handle by making light of it.

@Motherofdragons20 It could possibly be, we will have a chat with him to find out.

I haven’t given him the silent treatment for days. I have answered and replied to any questions/conversations that’s he brought up. I just haven’t particularly brought up any conversation to him as I don’t have anything to say apart from the usual day to day things that I do bring up such as shopping/tea/about our son etc. He’s just not happy that I haven’t had full blown conversations about random things just now, which I’m just not in the mood to do.

Sounds like attention seeking behaviour. I'd be inclined to say if he moves and hides someone's property, that one of his toys or devices would also be removed until yours is returned. My guess is his game will stop pretty quickly.

@Livelovebehappy Definitely but we’ve never had to remove one of his toys/devices as he’s always handed the item back over or we’ve found it straight away as he doesn’t hide them in a very good place.

God this sounds just a mess from all sides. So your previous reaction has been to not really properly tell him off, and your DH has treated it as a joke. Obviously all jokes get old and now it's his stuff the child is stealing he's getting irritated by it (which is absolutely understandable).

The issue here is your child stealing, not your DH getting cross. Which frankly is a normal human reaction. All this modern 'mustn't show we are cross with the children, mustn't raise our voices' is a load of crap - kids need to see their behaviour has an impact. You don't get animals moderating natural instincts in fear of upsetting or stressing out their young. I'm certainly not suggesting physical chastisement but by all means get cross!

But it's not the fact he hands them back or doesn't hide them well, it's that he takes them in the first place!!

My younger brother was a terrible thief when he was young - started when he was about 5, and he got caught going through the pockets of people's coats in the changing room of the local pool. He progressed onto stealing from school, local shops, etc. Both my parents were like this mother, didn't really do anything about it.

By the time he was a teenager he'd steal anything from anyone. My older brother was lucky enough to already have a lock on his bedroom door, even though I begged my parents they wouldn't let me have one on mine...I lost CDs, records, jewellery...anything with any value he'd steal. My parents still did nothing.

When he was about 21 he got his first job...within 6 months he'd got caught stealing the petty cash tin from his bosses office. Sacked, prosecuted and got a hefty fine/community service. Didn't pay the fine, ultimately ended up spending 2 weeks in prison. It was only then that my mother actually gave a shit...I couldn't have cared less.

You still sound far too lenient about your thief son

Are you talking to your DH yet?

Sounds like attention seeking by ds. plus his dad tells everyone how funny it is so ds won’t understand that his dad only finds it funny if it isn’t him who is impacted.

dh needs to sit down with son and tell him he gets the blame automatically as he is known to do this, it’s not ok or funny and he shouldn’t have acted like it was.

imo your dh is partially responsible for this continuing behaviour as ds is getting positive feedback for it .. dad laughing and joking about it etc . Ds has stopped the behaviour elsewhere when he got consequences. So dh should also be mad at himself

OP you need to stop saying 'takes and hides' - it's THEFT! You've very clearly changed the whole narrative in your head to help minimise what's happening

Each time this happens you need to discuss 'stealing' with your son - NOT 'taking and hiding'.

Your son STEALS things. Your son is a THIEF. He's also 8...not 3! He knows exactly what he's doing, and is manipulating you with his whole 'oh, I'm so stressed' act when someone finally breaks and shouts at him!

Get a grip on this now, or he'll have a rap sheet by the time he's 14! 🤦‍♀️

I think dealing with your sons potential kleptomania is the issue here, not your DH being annoyed by it.

You can’t honestly think this is normal. You also have no idea if he’s always handed things back, people might not have noticed things have gone missing, or not told you.

It’s still theft if his mum hands it back over.

It’s clear you’ve never disciplined him at all, just spoken to him. This is not parenting.

Your poor son. Your DH is a shit father.