He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend...

[doctorlife]

Hello! I am need of some advice.

I started dating someone just over 4 months ago. We were dating 'exclusively' from the off; on our first date both of us noted that were weren't dating anyone else at the time. This was my first date since the end of my last relationship (I don't date easily, only if I know of someone / already have my eye on them, etc). I saw this guy at the gym and knew 'of' him and was extremely interested in him (still am!).

Forward just over 4 months since this date, we have seen each other weekly and spoken everyday. Since this time, lots of life events have happened (got a PhD, started a new job, etc) and it's been so lovely having him 'there' through it. I love spending time with him and actually feel like I may.... 'love' (ahhh) him.

We have recently booked a European trip to explore xmas markets (Mid December). He has met some friends, and I have met his sister. we share similar interests and appear to want the same things from life / each other / a relationship (i.e.. being a team etc).

Anyway... I am starting to feel a little twitchy and vulnerable as he hasn't asked me to be his GF yet. I have subtlety brought this up and h noted that he wants something 'long term' but isn't in a rush. He appears to be a genuine guy so I am inclined ot believe this and accept it, yet, at the same time, I cant help but feel anxious / vulnerable about it. AIBU to think this should be happening soon, or, is it one of those things where everyone is different and I need to respect that?

Not sure what to think and its been making me feel a little inseure.

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known' etc., whereas most of my friends have moved away so I don't have a solid group of friends around (lots of individual people dotted about). Not sure how this is relevant but it feels like important to note as something I wonder whether we are on the same 'level' in this sense (which, again, worries me).

Is he waiting to meet my parents? Is he realising that I cant offer the same social opportunities as he can? :(

Thank you in advance.
27 year old singleton in deep with a 31 year old guy.

I don't understand.

You're seeing each other weekly.

Why does he need to ask you to become his girlfriend? Isn't that what six year olds do?

It's 2024!!!

I've just realised I was never asked either.

It's been 21 years, we're married and have two kids.

I'd really not be bothered about labels providing you are sure it's exclusive.

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known'

You mean they're famous?

Why don't you "ask him to be your boyfriend"?

Talk to him! It’s not so much about the label, but making sure you’re on the same page about your relationship. Guarantee the build up to the conversation will be worse than the actual talk, and you will at least know where you stand afterwards and can make a choice based on that.

DH never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we’ve now been married for 15 years. This is a genuine question, is this a thing adults do? I don’t think anyone has asked me to be their girlfriend since I was about 9.

Are you from a very traditional or religious background?
It's not really the norm for an adult man to ask an adult woman to "be his girlfriend". Have you some anxiety about the relationship?

When we'd had around 3 or 4 dates, now-DH asked if I was his girlfriend now, which at the time made me chuckle a bit as we were in our 30s at the time and it seemed such a "teenager" thing to ask. But it was quite nice, actually, to know where we both stood - I'd had quite a few relationships beforehand with guys who I'd dated for months, not really knowing where we stood and too nervous to ask (I know, I know) then discovered they didn't consider me to be their girlfriend. Get it out in the open, OP - just ask if he wants to be exclusive.

I think you're confusing him 'asking you to be his girlfriend' with asking him to marry you!

What you really want is reassurance that he's not seeing anyone else and isn't 'keeping his eye open' for someone else either. I would just ask if those two things are happening or not.

No, @WiserOlderElf , it’s not a thing adults do. I think DS1 got “asked” in year 9, but that was about it

Where do these people come from? Bored teenagers from Reddit? Strange posting style, and questions actual no adults would never think to ask - there have been a few of them around lately.

I don't remember DH asking me to be his girlfriend, but his mates all instantly referred to me as his girlfriend. If you're both exclusive and looking for something long-term (which it sounds like you discussed), then I'm not sure what else you need to feel secure. Say "Are we calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend by the way?" if you really need him to formally confirm.

Have you kissed or been intimate with him? I’m not really getting any romantic vibes from your description, does he just think of you as a friend?

To those questioning op on why a conversation needs to be had. This is unfortunately a thing now. For most younger people dating they may date for months before they become official. I’ve had friends who have been in the “seeing each other” phase for months before becoming girlfriend and boyfriend and in my experience men can use it as an excuse not to commit.

Op the best approach is a conversation here. I know lots of women who don’t force the issue and the next thing they know they’re splitting up after a year of “seeing each other” because the man won’t make it official. So just say “hey I’m having a great time with you and just would like to know where this is going because I’m looking for a relationship and don’t want to get too involved if you’re looking for something else.” If he’s then not forthcoming about making it official my advice would be to cut your losses. If he’s not keen enough at this stage he likely won’t ever be.

What on earth is this? In my day, if you were dating someone more than once they were your boyfriend or girlfriend.

OP, I know things were different back in 'my day' (I'm mid-50s) but back then you met someone, went out with them, then went out with them some more, met friends, met family, went on weekends and then holidays together, got engaged and got married - all without anyone asking anyone else "will you be my boyfriend / girlfriend". Surely some things are self evident after a while??

You're (presumably) and adult, if it really annoys him say something like so are we officially boyfriend and girlfriend now?

This is true, but that usually happens when it's more casual for the first couple of months and you haven't agreed to be exclusive. Given these two were exclusive from the start I think that cancels out the need for this conversation. Exclusive is basically the same as being official/boyfriend/girlfriend in my book

Well you are his girlfriend. Why do you want him to say "will you be my girlfriend" when you already are?

😂😂

My partner never asked me to be his girlfriend. We were out socially and an ex colleague of his asked him if I was his daughter and he said I was his girlfriend. 😂 This was two weeks after our first kiss, we had been friends a few months before that.

What is this obsession these days with people having to be asked to be someone’s girlfriend/boyfriend? I don’t think I’ve heard people ask that question since school!

If you’ve been together for several months, and you’re going on holiday, I’d say you’re already his girlfriend. I’m only in my early 30’s, but this whole concept is totally foreign to me. We never needed to ask, it just happened naturally.

Perhaps he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend because it's evident that you are, in fact, his girlfriend?

The 'not in any rush' thing is fine, you've only been together four months. If he's still saying that in a year, it's more of an issue.

Come on woman, you’ve just defended a PhD thesis and you can’t ask a man, who is obviously your boyfriend, to have a conversation about the status of your relationship?

It does actually sound like you’re taking everything at a sensible pace, so just have the chat!

FWIW, I always worked on the basis that first 4-6 months it was fair to assume not monogamous unless agreed otherwise (which you have). After 4-6 months, it’s fair to assume monogamy, unless agreed otherwise. But if fair assumptions aren’t for you, ask!

@Anothernamechane is right - this is absolutely a thing among twentysomethings but not necessarily with even slightly older people. I know because my children and their partners span this age range and have negotiated different expectations around this issue. OP, he’s enough older than you that he may or may not have the same ideas as you about what’s going on. As others have said, ask him what he thinks is happening. He might say “I thought you already were my girlfriend “, if he has a thirty something take on it, or he might have the same perspective as you do. Either way, if he’s a decent guy he shouldn’t object to the conversation at this stage, and if he does, best to find out sooner rather than later, surely?