Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend...

141 replies

doctorlife · 21/10/2024 10:37

Hello! I am need of some advice.

I started dating someone just over 4 months ago. We were dating 'exclusively' from the off; on our first date both of us noted that were weren't dating anyone else at the time. This was my first date since the end of my last relationship (I don't date easily, only if I know of someone / already have my eye on them, etc). I saw this guy at the gym and knew 'of' him and was extremely interested in him (still am!).

Forward just over 4 months since this date, we have seen each other weekly and spoken everyday. Since this time, lots of life events have happened (got a PhD, started a new job, etc) and it's been so lovely having him 'there' through it. I love spending time with him and actually feel like I may.... 'love' (ahhh) him.

We have recently booked a European trip to explore xmas markets (Mid December). He has met some friends, and I have met his sister. we share similar interests and appear to want the same things from life / each other / a relationship (i.e.. being a team etc).

Anyway... I am starting to feel a little twitchy and vulnerable as he hasn't asked me to be his GF yet. I have subtlety brought this up and h noted that he wants something 'long term' but isn't in a rush. He appears to be a genuine guy so I am inclined ot believe this and accept it, yet, at the same time, I cant help but feel anxious / vulnerable about it. AIBU to think this should be happening soon, or, is it one of those things where everyone is different and I need to respect that?

Not sure what to think and its been making me feel a little inseure.

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known' etc., whereas most of my friends have moved away so I don't have a solid group of friends around (lots of individual people dotted about). Not sure how this is relevant but it feels like important to note as something I wonder whether we are on the same 'level' in this sense (which, again, worries me).

Is he waiting to meet my parents? Is he realising that I cant offer the same social opportunities as he can? :(

Thank you in advance.
27 year old singleton in deep with a 31 year old guy.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:17

Don't men people feel any jealousy anymore as presumably without this declaration, the world is your oyster! DH and I never announced this, we are early - mid forties but we wouldn't have been ok with each other seeing and being with others if we had been dating for four months!

Ditchthecarbs · 21/10/2024 13:19

Ditchthecarbs · 21/10/2024 13:12

This waiting “to be asked to be his girlfriend “ just doesn’t make sense to me. It sounds so juvenile and something I remember from primary school days.
But worryingly it seems to be a “ thing” these days.

Women just need to take control. If you’re not sure and not happy just say, “ You do realise I’m not into FWB arrangements or being one of your many options and if you want to continue seeing me it will be exclusively as boyfriend/ girlfriend ?”

If he doesn’t give an enthusiastic “yes!” in his response, you know where you stand !

Just to add, I don’t mean OP should say this now but something to be cleared up at beginning of a relationship.
That said, there was someone on MN not long ago who had been with her DP for a couple of years. Her DP then started seeing someone else and had the nerve to tell her that he’d never agreed to be exclusive in the first place ! Mind boggles !

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/10/2024 13:22

You are his girlfriend, surely? Perhaps I'm out of date but didn't know that asking someone to be your girlfriend was a 'thing'. Fiancee or live in lover, yes, but not girlfriend.

GladAllOver · 21/10/2024 13:22

Shortly after we met, my now DH started calling me his "lady friend". I thought that was very sweet, and he still says that sometimes.

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 13:27

..........and we're getting engaged on Halloween

That's another thing I don't understand.
Either you're engaged or you're not.

You don't plan engagements for the future, surely?

MrSeptember · 21/10/2024 13:30

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 13:27

..........and we're getting engaged on Halloween

That's another thing I don't understand.
Either you're engaged or you're not.

You don't plan engagements for the future, surely?

Yeah, I don't get that either. I've heard people say, "we're engaged to be engaged" and I honestly don't know what that means. I THINK it means that you plan to get married but haven't started planning the actually wedding etc?

JJkate · 21/10/2024 13:31

This is definitely a thing these days. Since Me Too men have had to up their game massively when fucking women around and the clever ones are much more nuanced in their fuckery. Be careful OP. If he is reluctant to call you his gf or is hanging on to being "casual" that's a v bad sign. Ask me how I know. P.S look up plausible deniability.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 21/10/2024 13:39

@TheShellBeach - my niece made a big deal about getting engaged on Christmas Eve and it being this wonderful surprise etc etc.

He had literally spoken to her about rings, got her grandmother's ring resized the previous month, we knew all about it as we had to get the ring out of storage, we all knew they were "going away overnight to get engaged."

And she was still disappointed that she didn't get to do her Surprise Announcement on Christmas Day.

How is that even a thing??? Everyone knew at every stage, so they were already engaged. We even knew when the wedding was going to be. But apparently it wasn't enough to offer congratulations, we were all supposed to go along with the charade that this was a big surprise proposal.

Modern life is weird and performative somethimes. We were just glad she was happy; no one needed it capturing on instagram.

@doctorlife - if your experience of dating is that you need to ask or be asked, just use your voice and ask him - "are we calling this girlfriend/boyfriend now?"

You never have to wait around to be asked to someone else's timetable.

Goldenbear · 21/10/2024 13:45

Op, does he not care that you could be seeing others, surely that's a possibility. Things really have changed when everyone is so free and easy about this.

CasperGutman · 21/10/2024 14:17

Some of us men don't really understand the need for being explicit about relationship statuses and labels. Judging by the other comments on here, plenty of women don't really understand it either.

Years ago my now wife had to tell me that I should ask her to go out with me. Fool that I am, I thought the fact that we'd been out several times, by mutual agreement, meant that we were "going out"!

Avoid any ambiguity and just have a conversation about it....

Osirus · 21/10/2024 14:25

Notamum12345577 · 21/10/2024 12:16

I have seen posts where people don’t know who someone is replying to, and the ‘reply’ button just puts a post up. So people have been told to use the ‘quote’ button. Now I’m being told twice today not to. It is hard to keep up with all the rule changes! 😁

Show quote history

If you’re replying to anyone other than OP, then use “Quote”.

As I said to you earlier, there’s no need to quote the OP as we know who you’re replying to, unless you quote or tag otherwise.

Just click “Add Post.”

LemonLime9 · 21/10/2024 14:26

This is definitely a thing now so not sure why people on here are acting so weird about it but probably everyone commenting is over 40, I’m 35 and know this is a “thing” now. Especially with OLD now. Weirdly my sister was with a man for 2 years then she had a birthday planned and invited him to meet our extended family who he hadn’t met yet due to distance (met immediate family and friends) he said he was unable to come, she was upset about it and he said I don’t know why you are upset I’m not even your boyfriend! She was completely shocked as in her mind they had been “together” 2 years and were exclusive (they discussed being exclusive) so yes it’s a thing now and it’s best to establish rather than assume.

Strawberry4Supermoon · 21/10/2024 14:31

Maybe he thinks you already are his girlfriend so why state the obvious? Or, is he trying not to appear too keen in case you run. That's was me with my DH. I exhibited such lack of interest, I'm surprised he stuck around. Can you just say to him casually: "Is this us going out together exclusively now then?"

apostrophewoman · 21/10/2024 14:33

LemonLime9 · 21/10/2024 14:26

This is definitely a thing now so not sure why people on here are acting so weird about it but probably everyone commenting is over 40, I’m 35 and know this is a “thing” now. Especially with OLD now. Weirdly my sister was with a man for 2 years then she had a birthday planned and invited him to meet our extended family who he hadn’t met yet due to distance (met immediate family and friends) he said he was unable to come, she was upset about it and he said I don’t know why you are upset I’m not even your boyfriend! She was completely shocked as in her mind they had been “together” 2 years and were exclusive (they discussed being exclusive) so yes it’s a thing now and it’s best to establish rather than assume.

Wtf 😮What the hell was he if he wasn't her boyfriend? How has this become so weird? I'm totally perplexed by this whole thread.

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 14:35

apostrophewoman · 21/10/2024 14:33

Wtf 😮What the hell was he if he wasn't her boyfriend? How has this become so weird? I'm totally perplexed by this whole thread.

Show quote history

Me too 🤯
Are the kids alright??

youcandomagic · 21/10/2024 15:03

I wonder when it came about that it’s a thing to ask someone to be there girlfriend after they’ve been ‘going out’ together for a good while - I don’t get it!

Larrythebloodycat · 21/10/2024 15:04

The last time anyone asked me 'will you be my girlfriend?' both parties were nine.

Ygraine · 21/10/2024 15:05

Well, you ask him then 🙄

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2024 15:08

KatyaKabanova · 21/10/2024 10:48

Are you from a very traditional or religious background?
It's not really the norm for an adult man to ask an adult woman to "be his girlfriend". Have you some anxiety about the relationship?

If definitely is the norm. It's very different to be not sleeping with or actively dating others, to committing to building a relationship and introducing this person to others as his partner

italianlondongirl · 21/10/2024 15:12

KatyaKabanova · 21/10/2024 10:48

Are you from a very traditional or religious background?
It's not really the norm for an adult man to ask an adult woman to "be his girlfriend". Have you some anxiety about the relationship?

I believe it's a "thing." now with twenty somethings.

I can't get my head around it either... surely if you're going out together you're girlfriend/boyfriend

SnapdragonToadflax · 21/10/2024 15:18

LemonLime9 · 21/10/2024 14:26

This is definitely a thing now so not sure why people on here are acting so weird about it but probably everyone commenting is over 40, I’m 35 and know this is a “thing” now. Especially with OLD now. Weirdly my sister was with a man for 2 years then she had a birthday planned and invited him to meet our extended family who he hadn’t met yet due to distance (met immediate family and friends) he said he was unable to come, she was upset about it and he said I don’t know why you are upset I’m not even your boyfriend! She was completely shocked as in her mind they had been “together” 2 years and were exclusive (they discussed being exclusive) so yes it’s a thing now and it’s best to establish rather than assume.

But that is very clearly a case of that man being an absolute twat. Not a rule that you need to confirm you're boyfriend and girlfriend 🙄

This all sounds like just another way for useless men to dodge commitment and somehow make it the woman's fault.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/10/2024 15:21

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 13:27

..........and we're getting engaged on Halloween

That's another thing I don't understand.
Either you're engaged or you're not.

You don't plan engagements for the future, surely?

I've heard people say this and always thought it made no sense.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 21/10/2024 15:21

Even if this is a ‘thing’ among 20somethings, why does it have to be so bloody regressive, and passive, with the woman waiting to be asked to be a girlfriend?

OP has three degrees! She can surely have a conversation with her man, on an equal basis, about the status of the relationship.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/10/2024 15:21

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 13:27

..........and we're getting engaged on Halloween

That's another thing I don't understand.
Either you're engaged or you're not.

You don't plan engagements for the future, surely?

Posted the same thing twice.

snowlady4 · 21/10/2024 15:21

If you're sleeping together and have discussed that neither of you are seeing other people, then I think you are his girlfriend? No?
He sounds like a lovely person and good match for you- and you have a nice trip booked together in the future, which shows intention of staying together.
I think you might be over thinking the label of girlfriend and worrying about his 'well known,' friends. He likes you. You like him. Roll with it.. enjoy!