He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend...

[doctorlife]

Hello! I am need of some advice.

I started dating someone just over 4 months ago. We were dating 'exclusively' from the off; on our first date both of us noted that were weren't dating anyone else at the time. This was my first date since the end of my last relationship (I don't date easily, only if I know of someone / already have my eye on them, etc). I saw this guy at the gym and knew 'of' him and was extremely interested in him (still am!).

Forward just over 4 months since this date, we have seen each other weekly and spoken everyday. Since this time, lots of life events have happened (got a PhD, started a new job, etc) and it's been so lovely having him 'there' through it. I love spending time with him and actually feel like I may.... 'love' (ahhh) him.

We have recently booked a European trip to explore xmas markets (Mid December). He has met some friends, and I have met his sister. we share similar interests and appear to want the same things from life / each other / a relationship (i.e.. being a team etc).

Anyway... I am starting to feel a little twitchy and vulnerable as he hasn't asked me to be his GF yet. I have subtlety brought this up and h noted that he wants something 'long term' but isn't in a rush. He appears to be a genuine guy so I am inclined ot believe this and accept it, yet, at the same time, I cant help but feel anxious / vulnerable about it. AIBU to think this should be happening soon, or, is it one of those things where everyone is different and I need to respect that?

Not sure what to think and its been making me feel a little inseure.

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known' etc., whereas most of my friends have moved away so I don't have a solid group of friends around (lots of individual people dotted about). Not sure how this is relevant but it feels like important to note as something I wonder whether we are on the same 'level' in this sense (which, again, worries me).

Is he waiting to meet my parents? Is he realising that I cant offer the same social opportunities as he can? :(

Thank you in advance.
27 year old singleton in deep with a 31 year old guy.

What does it mean to you to be his girlfriend? A long term exclusive relationship? The word itself isn’t much use.

You simply need to discuss it.

Exclusive isn't enough for you? He's 31, if you're that immature to need him to call you his girlfriend (do you want him to post it all over SM too?), he might agree you aren't on the same level and you won't need to worry about it.

Only been dating 4 months, clinginess is a red flag.

Surely this is all a bit Love Islandish. You are dating, you are enjoying one another's company, you are together. My husband never asked me to be his girlfriend, we just became what we are.

This.
I, too, don't understand this current world anymore
😂

I honestly couldn't cope with today's dating world. The extensive dating before "becoming exclusive" then becoming "Instagram official". Also, nowadays women and men are supposed to be equals, but women are still waiting for men to do the asking - to become gf/bf, to propose etc.

OP, it's been 4 months and you seem to be exclusive, so just ask him to be your boyfriend. If he says no then at least you know where you stand.

You’re going to f*ck this up by being too intense and needy. It’s all going well so chill.

If you’re worried about not having friends, put some effort into changing that. It’ll give you another outlet for your energy instead of channelling it all into this relationship, when it’s still early days.

Oh. If he's famous you're at extra risk of him seeing other people / you misunderstanding the situation, only because other women are so accessible to him.

I'd ask him outright, what is this, if you're not happy with the above.

Exclusive = Girlfriend

OP, can you expand on how you have "subtly brought this up"? I would have expected him to say "well, obviously we are gf and bf" but im mid 40s and accept that nowadays there tends to be more of a separation between dating and gf/bf statuses. Maybe, despite only a 4 year age gap hes more in the "assume gf/bf based on actions" generation.

I think id wait till the 6 month mark and note his actions and be reassured by him wanting something long term. Then raise it again a bit more directly. I would also say that its easy for someone to say the right words, it's his actions that I would focus on for now. Is he supportive? Does he make time for you? Is the relationship progressing? Does he include you (to some extent) in his life...?

What's wrong with having an adult conversation if it's bothering you?

Sitting around waiting to hear the words "Will you be my girlfriend?" makes you sound about 10.

You could always play kiss chase and if you catch him, he's yours.

My DH never asked me to be his girlfriend, it was just assumed due to the amount of time we spent together. We've been together 5 years and met OLD.

A lot of people here are trying to make you feel dumb about this OP, and I wouldn't pay them any attention. Indirectly calling you a '6yr old' or the old 'it wasn't like this in my day' isn't relevant or helpful.

The only thing that matters here is if they way he is treating you and communicating with you meets your needs in terms of what you are looking for. If you are looking for someone who is actively thinking of you and describing you as a girlfriend, then that's OK – those are your standards and you should not drop them because you feel anxiety about a) what you think other couples may or may not be doing or b) what people on the internet tell you you should feel.

The early months of dating, when you are dating with intention (eg, you want to establish the road for a longterm relationship, marriage and kids) is a very vulnerable place, and I do think think it matters that both partners are vocal and honest about what is going on in their heads and what they want to happen in the future.

It's important to you that the person you are with calls you and think of you as his girlfriend, and 4 months in to exclusively dating, having met friends and his sister, I would expect a 31yr old man to be able to provide you with this if he is the right person for you to stay with.

But do yourself a favour – be strong in who you are and what you want out of a relationship and do not compromise on it. Do not lower your standards because someone you've known for 4 months isn't meeting them – don't give them that power, because they don't deserve it.

Buck up the courage to sit him down and say you are looking for someone to call a boyfriend and to call you a girlfriend, and that it matters to you that this milestone in dating is reached. Tell him you are dating with intention and not casually (if you are) and that you need to date someone who is on the same page as you.

You will weed out a lot of shit men and save yourself a lot of time and heartache by being your own best advocate. Good luck.

It sounds like there's a few more stages to a relatively these days.

If you were born before 1995 then:

• You go out together more than once = pretty much instant girlfriend/boyfriend/exclusive and everyone knows that
• You move in together or you get engaged

If you're born after 1995:

• You meet someone and start 'seeing them' on more than one occasion
• You have a discussion about 'being exclusive' some point down the line
• You officially become boyfriend/ girlfriend on Instagram (high commitment level)
• You move in together and/or get engaged

*relationship (not relatively)

It sounds very much as though you are already his girlfriend, and you are both behaving as such. I’m another who is married to a man who never actually asked me to be his girlfriend, we just.. were. I don’t think it’s a given that people ask.
That being said, are you worrying because you feel he’s being a bit evasive when you do bring it up?

In what way is he famous, OP?

I was born before 1995 and I’d find it incredibly weird if someone assumed I was their girlfriend after 2 dates!

Well, I was born a good while before 1995, as were all my friends, and our experience of relationships is your second batch of 'rules' – so your theory is bust.

Apart from Instagram. Why are several posters attempting to belittle OP by this concept of 'instagram official' when OP has not brought it ip herself? Is it an attempt to make fun of her? It's not working so best not to try to bully people online if you can possibly help it.

She didn't say he was famous.

Do people over the age of 14 ask people to be their girlfriend / boyfriend?? Surely if you're dating exclusively then you're gf / bf?? f

You're already exclusive so what would being boyfriend and girlfriend change? Genuine question.

I was going to say that this isn't Love Island. It does seem to be the way of it for the youngsters (bit of head fuck in my eyes). But as others have said, if it's important to you, sit down & ask him where it's going.

This may not be popular, but in my dating life I always, always stuck to the 'Be busy, a touch unavailable' & always had men keen to pin me down to a date/ something more permanent. I don't mean to withdraw or play games, just be busy doing fun stuff & they needed to fit in with me.

She said:

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known' etc.

Which suggests that he is, too.

She also said she 'knew of' him, prior to speaking.

Might mean well known in the area.

I had a boyfriend in the 80s who drove a Capri Ghia and worked at the kebab shop, opposite the local nightclub.

He was well 'famous' to us locals 🤣🤣