He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend...

[doctorlife]

Hello! I am need of some advice.

I started dating someone just over 4 months ago. We were dating 'exclusively' from the off; on our first date both of us noted that were weren't dating anyone else at the time. This was my first date since the end of my last relationship (I don't date easily, only if I know of someone / already have my eye on them, etc). I saw this guy at the gym and knew 'of' him and was extremely interested in him (still am!).

Forward just over 4 months since this date, we have seen each other weekly and spoken everyday. Since this time, lots of life events have happened (got a PhD, started a new job, etc) and it's been so lovely having him 'there' through it. I love spending time with him and actually feel like I may.... 'love' (ahhh) him.

We have recently booked a European trip to explore xmas markets (Mid December). He has met some friends, and I have met his sister. we share similar interests and appear to want the same things from life / each other / a relationship (i.e.. being a team etc).

Anyway... I am starting to feel a little twitchy and vulnerable as he hasn't asked me to be his GF yet. I have subtlety brought this up and h noted that he wants something 'long term' but isn't in a rush. He appears to be a genuine guy so I am inclined ot believe this and accept it, yet, at the same time, I cant help but feel anxious / vulnerable about it. AIBU to think this should be happening soon, or, is it one of those things where everyone is different and I need to respect that?

Not sure what to think and its been making me feel a little inseure.

Additional info: he has a large group of friends who are 'well known' etc., whereas most of my friends have moved away so I don't have a solid group of friends around (lots of individual people dotted about). Not sure how this is relevant but it feels like important to note as something I wonder whether we are on the same 'level' in this sense (which, again, worries me).

Is he waiting to meet my parents? Is he realising that I cant offer the same social opportunities as he can? :(

Thank you in advance.
27 year old singleton in deep with a 31 year old guy.

Only the worst kind of man would expect to be shagging anyone he fancied while seeing you very regularly over a protracted timescale. It's only a 'thing' to officially ask you to be their girlfriend with losers.

I think that's changing a bit now as there seems to be now a thing called "situations hips". I don't think the Op is wrong to ask her bf to tell her where they stands. If they have been seeing each other exclusively for months they are boyfriend and girlfriend really, but if he is avoiding calling her that it's weird. There is no evidence that is the case he quite likely happily thinks of her as his GF but it doesn't hurt to check because if he doesn't that's a red flag.
Op - when he introduces you to people he k ows how does he do so? Does he say "and this is my girlfriend X?"

My boyfriend’s 10 year old daughter told him he needed to formally ask me to be his girlfriend and wrote a little speech on a post-it note for the ‘asking ceremony’.

We’d been referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend for a while but he was happy to humour her.

We’re mid 50’s.

Jesus, I wouldn't have the patience for any of this. If you are in a place where you are looking to build a solid, lifelong relationship then it's best just to just ask if that's on his radar. Don't hang around hoping you can sneak it up on him without him realising. No wonder some women fire through all their fertile years playing this merry convoluted dance.

How are you not his girlfriend??

I have seen posts where people don’t know who someone is replying to, and the ‘reply’ button just puts a post up. So people have been told to use the ‘quote’ button. Now I’m being told twice today not to. It is hard to keep up with all the rule changes! 😁

I don't think DH asked me to be his girlfriend either. We met nearly 46 years ago and have been married for 43 of them.

DH never ever asked me to be his girlfriend.We've been married 35 yrs
I suppose that back in the day(80s) if you were going on regular dates and not dating anyone else then you were girlfriend and boyfriend without asking the question.

I suspect they're not famous they are just known in the local community and consider themselves local celebrities. I live in a town and I know what she means 😆

To a rational person, it sounds like you're already together and no need to ask but as this is a man we're talking about you need to ask and get confirmation. Men seem to give all the actions and ten years in tell you they're ready to settle down and have met someone leaving you thinking you're the fool. Note this hasn't happened to me.

If he won't put a label on it, kick him to the kerb. Men who are keen make sure you know.

Eh??

Lots to unpack here.

1. If you are exclusive, as others have said, surely that means you're in a relationship already?
2. Have you actually had a conversation about being exclusive, or did you both just note you weren't dating anyone else at the time of your first date? I don't believe these are the same thing.
3. Why are you dropping hints and giving him all the agency? It's 2024! Bring it up with him directly if it's that important to you.

I think you're confusing being his girlfriend and having long term committment. Clearly you're his girlfriend based on what you've written.

However, having said that, I've seen way too many posts on MN where a woman is 18. months in with a guy, exclusive etc, and he then acts surprised because as her boyfriend she assumed he'd be her date to something or fetch her from the hospital and gets "but we're just casual" so it can't burt to clarify. A casual and jokey comment in passing, or next time you bump into someone make sure to say "this is my boyfriend mark" might be the best way?

During one of those dates ask if he regards you as officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

Tell him how you feel and expecthim to do th esame.

Eh? You're dating exclusively. That means you're his girlfriend.

I'd better go let DP of 18 years know lest she think she's not my girlfriend yet!

I'm nearly 70 and have loads of relationships since I was 15. Not once has anyone asked me to 'be my girlfriend'. It's not a thing is it.

I rather suspect he believes you are his girlfriend without have to do any specific requesting.

Just realised that my partner of 6 years has never asked me to be his gf oops!

'So..just so we're clear, when introducing you to my friends and vice versa are we boyfriend and girlfriend?' simples.

If you post on a thread, you're obviously answering the OP.

You only have to quote other people, if you're responding to someone else's comment.

Can you imagine if everyone quoted the whole OP all the way through a thread, how long it would be? Especially if it was a very, very long OP.

I only know this is a thing as I have a older teen, however they do laugh with me at how ridiculous it is.

My partner asked me to be boyfriend/girlfriend, we were 29 and 31.
All adult and going very well, its our 4 year anniversary on Sunday and we're getting engaged on halloween!

This waiting “to be asked to be his girlfriend “ just doesn’t make sense to me. It sounds so juvenile and something I remember from primary school days.
But worryingly it seems to be a “ thing” these days.

Women just need to take control. If you’re not sure and not happy just say, “ You do realise I’m not into FWB arrangements or being one of your many options and if you want to continue seeing me it will be exclusively as boyfriend/ girlfriend ?”

If he doesn’t give an enthusiastic “yes!” in his response, you know where you stand !

My husband never asked me to be his girlfriend when we met nearly 50 years ago. We started going out together, so we were therefore boyfriend and girlfriend as far as anyone was concerned. I would probably thought he was pissed if he had asked me to be his girlfriend after a few weeks!