To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Would you agree that by supporting their mother with her mental health (probably an important support network for them in the future), these people ARE supporting the B&G?

We paid for our own wedding, still spoke to both sets of parents about which extended family members were important for them to be there, some we are close to, some we are not. A wedding is a coming together of two families.
If the son had an issue with the uncle that's a different matter, but the OP has admitted she is doing it to isolate her parents which is dreadful!

Ok, I deleted my original reply because I don’t think I read your post carefully enough-I was making the assumption that this would be a white wedding.
Im going to assume it is not in order to reply.
But my vote will still be the same, YANBU because it is your sons and his fiancées choice. Regardless of who is paying for it, it is their wedding.
I fully understand there may be some cultural issues at play here, but assuming your son is British, there will undoubtedly be some western opinions that have slipped in (such as not inviting people just because you share some dna strands.
At my own wedding for example, my DH and I only invited family we had actual regular contact with-there was none of this great Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, second cousins etc etc. We had parents, siblings and some Aunts and Uncles, and NOBODY invited their own friends. It was solely people that we loved and knew well

If there are no budget constraints and no numbers constraints then I think you could have a conversation with your son. You have close friends of yours coming - are they more involved in your son's life than his great-uncle and aunt?

Most do. I did. And certainly would in this DS's case if a kind offer turned into impositions.

Then surely he's just forgotten about the uncle rather than being rude, snubbing anyone or wanting a "younger vibe"? If you want someone to come who hasn't been mentioned, why is your first thought to turn it into some massive drama with skewed information for MN to pick over and have a bunfight about instead of just... talking to him about the uncle who he's probably totally forgotten about in all the preparations?

What would you do if your MIL came to you and said….there is a family member I would really like to come to your wedding as they have been really supportive to our family over the years….and I will gladly pay for them to attend ?

It seems normal to me. A lot of the children of our friends and relations have got married over the last couple of years. They have all chosen to have a 'younger vibe' and prioritised inviting their mates and colleagues over extended family or old family friends like DH and I.

I don't see it as an insult or a put down that we weren't invited. It's just a new way of doing things. I'm still happy for the young couples and enjoy seeing the photos of their big days.

Most of these young people funded their own weddings. Maybe if their parents had been paying things would have been different. However 2 of my own DC are getting married next year and although we will be contributing quite large sums we haven't expected to have any sort of say in in the guest list.

Sure, if it makes you feel good (bold? daring?) to think that hurtful behaviour to others shows your "independence and autonomy", go ahead.

Sorry you misunderstand. My point was that the op said as they were paying it have them a right to have an input on guests. It doesn't, it is a gift.

I would always encourage my dc to invite family to a wedding but ultimately it is their decision.

The argument around basic etiquette is a derail and I apologise for contributing to it, as OP's posts have clarified that her son hasn't vetoed inviting his great uncle and aunt.

She is, if I have understood correctly, planning to invite her parents despite the fact that their relationship is poor and directly exacerbates her mental health. She is planning to exclude her aunt and uncle, the family members who have been genuinely supportive of her, specifically so that her parents will look publicly lonely and isolated at the wedding as a twisted punishment. I'm sorry for the very difficult issues that you have clearly had to deal with, OP, but that's genuinely fucked up.

Whilst I get the whole “younger vibe” thing, I would assume the bulk of the guests attending are friends of the couple. Personally, I don’t see how an extra few family members not in that demographic are going to ruin the wedding, but each to their own.

I wish I’d been firmer with my ds.
We paid for most of the wedding but whilst ds and ddil invited lots of friends we didn’t because I have a huge family so compromised.
Two good friends of ours should have been invited imo and we’re still good friends.
Many of ds and ddils so called friends have not been around for most of the time since the wedding.

if you’re paying invite who you want.

Wedding lists and parties and so on are social means by which you show people what they mean to you, and where they rank in your affections. The idea of excluding kind and loving family members for a ‘younger vibe’ is quite crass and short-sighted. You will upset your aunt and uncle, this will not be easily undone even if they don’t make a fuss. I’ve seen myself how decisions around wedding invites have repercussions for years to come.

I can’t see why you wouldn’t invite them if there’s no financial/space restraints.
You will find in 10 years many of the “young crowd” friends have disappeared and family is hopefully(!) still around.

Yes definitely. While my uncle is a support to me, they are not a big presence in my son's life.

Don’t do this. You’ve said yourself there are no budget constraints. Non-invitation to a wedding resets relationships, and not always in a good way. Ask your son if they can come. If he says no, at least you’ve tried.

Well if you don’t mind damaging what seems to be a rare supportive familial relationship don’t invite them I suppose. Whilst I’d say it’s your son’s wedding and he gets to pick, it does sound awful to exclude them on grounds they are old and uncool. It all sounds pretty mean spirited and nasty.

If, as you say, there are no financial constraints and the world and his wife appear to be going, why do your son and his prospective wife not want to invite aunt and uncle? It seems unfair, especially as your aunt and uncle have been so supportive of you over the years. A wedding is usually a mix of ages, older people who don't care for a lot of noise and fuss tend to leave a bit early anyway and say, "We're leaving the youngsters to enjoy", quite cheerfully, but they are glad they went.

It would be different if it was a smaller do, eg just an afternoon sit down or buffet reception in a restaurant, hotel or similar, with a guest limit, which used to be a very popular option in my day.

I think it is mean not to invite them and in your place I would speak to son about it, but gently.

Presumably you are not paying towards it, if the bride's parents are contributing they might agree with you but I do not suggest you ask them.

However at the end of the day you have to go along with what they decide and with a good grace. These things pass and the last thing you want is to cause a rift.

Good luck.

I do think he's been left out on putpose by my son as he wants a fresh start. There has been a lot of drama around going NC with my sibling and my son wants no part in it. Mostly to preserve my MH which has been fragile to say the least. But I do think I need to bring it up with him and his fiance and see how they feel about it.

Yes, if they're paying for the whole thing.....

....but I also hope they would be mindful of not causing more family upset in an already troubled family.

If there's a parental contribution, then I think parents do have some say in who gets to come.

Is it about a "younger vibe" or is it about the couple having the people around them who have had an impact in their life? Let your son and his fiancée decide. If I were you I wouldn't invite my own friends either if your son wouldn't have invited them - I would say either pay for the wedding as a gift and let them have the day they want, or organise your own party if you want control of the guest list. If your friends are more 'family friends' who have spent time with the bride and groom and the couple want them there, that's more normal.

Yet some of the people who’ve contributed to the drama are invited, whilst those that have supported your mental health are excluded? That doesn’t make any sense.

Not a big presence in your sons life, so he doesn't need to invite them.

Do you not see that paying for it really doesn't mean you can choose guests? You can suggest but that is it. Sounds like there have been lots of toxicity in your family, your ds just probably doesn't want reminding. Lots of people have friends rather than family for that very reason.

Well no - OPs said she is paying but her payment shouldn’t come with strings attached it’s still not her wedding day.