To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

No doubt won’t be long before they’ve lost touch with a few friends - you’re related to the Uncle (who you say has been kind & supportive) forever. But don’t worry, you’ve already fallen out with your family, why not just lose more - kinder to let them know where they stand now….

"younger vibe"? Is there a cut off age then you need to be below to meet the criteria?

Wow, that's a powerful post. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like your uncle is the only decent family member you have why would you NOT invite them to a large wedding?

Potentially I would be inviting them over your parents from what little you've said.

Honest self reflection. Act with love, not hate. Invite them.

My DD and son in law paid for their own wedding (though I bought the dress). But my DD still asked me who I'd like them to invite on my behalf. Because she's a kind and thoughtful person. She only asked that if it was more than the number she had in mind, that I pay for the extras. She also took me and MIL along to visit venues and valued our opinions.

It blows my mind that a son whose parents are paying the full amount for a big wedding with no budget restraints, can't bring himself to be as thoughtful.

This. Sorry to sound like Typical Aged Person but we often only appreciate the importance (to most people) of family ties and family occasions as we grow older, and realise that other people come and go in our lives.

It is possible that your son simple forgot about them and would be happy to invite them. If all the places are allocated, could you choose 2 friends to leave off? Friends of the parents of those getting married are far less important than family.

Try not to dwell on the negative insights into your own personality. The fact is, including your uncle is weighing on your mind. Drop your son an email saying that you have been worrying about the hurt it would cause your uncle and asking that he be included, either in addition or instead of other guests from your friendship group.

The whole point of a wedding to me is that it is a bringing together of all the people who play an important role in your life - young and old

But this great aunt and uncle won't and haven't played an important role in the wedding couple's lives. This is all the OP's family dramas nothing to do with the DS. I'd take the 'younger vibe' line as being a euphemism for a fresh start, not having the baggage of OP's complicated relationships (bad and good) overshadowing things going forward. In any case, it's the DS's decision and the OP should of course 'go along with it'. It's not her wedding, not her guest list, so there's nothing for her to regret as regards who comes and who doesn't.

It is still not your choice. We paid for our children’s weddings. It was a gift. There were no strings attached. Don’t use your ability to pay as a way of controlling your children.

So the question is really.... should granaunt and granuncle be invited to my sons wedding!? B&G have said no. So it's a no.

Im in the same situation but Im the bride in the scenario. I'm planning a wedding and this is a conversation I have yet to have with MIL as she wants her aunts and uncles (my OHs granuncles and granaunts) invited but we do not consider them to be close family to us! They are nice good people but we are not close. We are having what is considered a large wedding but the guest list is filled with people we see regularly!

So your aunt and uncle are the ones who actually support you, you are paying for the wedding and have a guest list of your own and you still are not inviting them?
Awful

So have your son and his fiance okayed the rest of your guest list bit specifically vetoed your uncle and aunt?

If your own experiences mean that you can only see a long-standing and widely-understood social convention as controlling behaviour then I can only offer you my sympathies. It is completely normal for the people paying for and therefore hosting the event to have discretion over a portion of the guest list. Not the whole thing, usually just a table's worth.

I can see, however, that this is going to be one of those tedious threads where half the posters pretend not to know that this is the established custom - even though it's sufficiently culturally ingrained as to have provided the basis for half the plot of series one of Gavin and Stacey.

It's not her wedding. The aunt and uncle supporting OP is irrelevant. I'm sure OP's friends and colleagues support her too but they don't get to come to the DS's wedding. People are mental about weddings. It's the B&G's day and they get to have the people who support them there. Paying for things shouldn't come with strings.

No we haven't directly spoken about my uncle and I haven't highlighted my discomfort.

OMG some people are so selfish. 'It's our day', 'We want things to be perfect', 'Old people are so dull'.

Of course YABU, and them. A marriage is a community event; of course it's about the bride and groom but they need to be gracious at the same time, and recognise their marriage in future will be part of a wider society, and not some silo of perfection of their own making.

If you do this you are completely using your relations. They will realise that, and any hand wringing calls to them in future may suddenly seem fake and insincere, to the end that your support network fades away.

I'm probably being harsh. It does really upset me though that selfishness, disguised as assertiveness, is like a golden thread through our society these days. Likely as not if they are invited, they'll come for the parts where age is irrelevant and then head home once the music goes up and it's hard to talk, but they'll know you have their back as much as they have yours.

Disagree.

Encouraging the young couple to be kind and considerate of two older people who have been good to him is perfectly reasonable if the OP is paying, and would not spoil their "perfect day". They might just have not thought much about it, or the feelings of the older people concerned.

Going along with excluding them without even making a protest, when the OP is in effect the host of the event, would be demonstrating ingratitude and deliberately snubbing people who have shown the OP and her son kindness.

Glad I was brought up differently to this.

My situation is slightly different in that we are paying for the wedding but if My MIL comes to us and tells us that she is uncomfortable with us not inviting people that just aren't that close to us, I'll be really annoyed! It's not her wedding.

I guess the split more around people who believe they have independence and autonomy in their life choices and people who do things because they are the custom/convention/are told they have to and think anything else is not 'normal'.

No the OP has her own guest list too, which contains her friends not those of bride and groom, given the support the uncle has offered surely you invite them and not two of the friends of the parents of the b&g?! It doesn't seem like the son has vetoed the uncle just not thought of him and included OPs friends instead. Surely it's up to OP to say oh don't invite Janet and Frank from next door on my behalf i'd love for my aunt and uncle to fill those spaces instead. Pretty sure the b&g wouldn't give two hoots

I am absolutely sure that those people who are so fond of their independence and autonomy will insist on paying their own way and therefore won't encounter any issues of this sort.

This - honestly considering they are having a big wedding then it’s sad your son won’t invite them for your sake.

I think you'd have to be very entitled to accept a lot of parental contribution to a wedding and not allow the parents to invite family members they feel should be there because they have been supportive. I would be disappointed if my children didn't feel they wanted older relatives there because they wouldn't look good on Instagram.

I can understand not wanting parents to invite all their friends. My father wanted to do this at my own wedding 29 years ago, because he was paying, and had to be talked down as it would have meant, by the time my husband's large family were all accounted for, that I could have had very few friends of my own there.

There is a compromise somewhere.

If you don’t want your uncle there fine….if it doesn’t fit in with a young person vibe
but don’t not invite him to make your parents feel isolated…..you will feel guilty about that long after the young person vibe wedding is over