To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Why are you talking about 'you not inviting them?'

It's not your wedding and entirely the bride & grooms choice who they want there.

Thank you gor all your responses, I'm reading them all and it's definitely making me think this over.

Being invited to a wedding often has a lot more significance to an older person . We left out some relatives to accommodate my daughter’s friends as it was a smallish celebration . A few years later she no longer sees some of the friends but the relatives are still supportive.

If you are paying you get a say in who is invited.

it may be the bride & grooms wedding but that doesn’t mean they can ignore other people who are paying. They will cause a family fall out that will last considerably longer than the relationships with the “younger vibe” crowd they want to invite.

i do think people can be very selfish at the moment - but get very upset if the reverse of what they say is acceptable happens to them.

Well, it's not your wedding so it's not your choice.

But... it doesn't make sense.

So you are low/no contact with your sibling.

Your parents are not supportive of this, but your "mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me".

So assuming your "mother's brother and family" are in fact the aunt and uncle not being invited, how would this be punishing your parents??

That aside, maybe remind tour son that he'll have loads of chances for a "young vibe" party but only one chance to have his family at his wedding...!

Whilst it is up to bride and groom i think they should be invited.

It is a big wedding and it appears you have some say in the guest list.

Not inviting people who have been supportive of you is going to cut you and your son off further from people who might actually be supportive and positive influences in your life.

hurting people like your uncle yo wind up your parents is cunty.

The way i see it is that people you don't really like, like your own mum, are being invited but your uncle is actually supportive and you aren't inviting him and may find he puts himself out less to be in your corner in future, and quite rightly so.

If nothing else, uncle is a buffer to mum on the day.

And best case if something happened to you in the future then uncle might be there for your son.

Well then tell your son to suck it up, and invite them. It's only two people. It won't alter the balance of their wedding.

It's unusual these days for parents to be fully funding a wedding. I didn't expect to have a say in the guestlist of my DD's wedding, but they were paying for it (though my DD did ask if there was anyone I'd like them to invite).

But here, you are paying, and it's not a small wedding (which would provide a reason why not everyone can be invited).

Personally I think that your son should include family, or spend some of his own money.

As for "young vibe"...
I find that older family members tend to leave relatively early. Thats when the "young vibe" party style happens.

I know Evening invites are frowned upon on Mumsnet... but in reality this is what happens.

Thanks for the balanced post.

It’s mean. Weddings are the rare occasions for families to all get together, unless there’s a good reason for someone not to be invited. The young couple can throw parties and invite whoever they want for the rest of their lives. The uncle and aunt have been part of his life for a long time and always will be; most of the friends they are inviting are probably transient and won’t be in their lives for more than a few years.

This is your, and your son's, opportunity to show gratitude and kindness to someone who’s been good to him. Surely the uncle and aunt will feel hurt to be excluded. Why would you want that?

Wow. Just because you’re paying for the wedding doesn’t give you the right to control the guest list.

How strange.

I think your son and his fiancé should find room for his great uncle and aunt. They are presumably not going to be inviting many people on your side, so it’s not an unreasonable request. A lack of wedding invitation within a family causes lasting damage.

If there are few constraints in numbers and cost then it’s quite normal for a large wedding to include extended family and friends. Parents are within their right to offer a lump sum with or without strings attached. Or the happy couple can fund their own nuptials.

If you are paying….and your son and his bride are ok with it….I would definitely invite your uncle

This is spot on.

Your uncle has been supportive of you through some family difficulties and you would exclude him before you would friends?
Presumably your son is aware of your uncle's support yet despite not funding the wedding or having any constraints on numbers doesn't want him at the wedding.
I just find much of the thinking behind this decision very strange. Your uncle would be very forgiving to have to overcome this snub. A wedding with no budget, no constraints and the one family member who has been supportive excluded.

Just read @BeensOnToost post. Totally agree

It’s not about rights …it’s asking if it would be ok to invite and parents will pay…..it happens all the time where I live…..extra family and family friends are invited and parents pay …..can’t see a problem with this 🤷‍♀️

Not when they aren't paying for it.

OP - invite them. Maintain the ties of kinship. I know people on here are very anti family and cut people off in a heartbeat but why would you want to cut someone off that has supported you?

Friends come and go but family is forever

Oh gods...

I think it gives OP a perfect right to at least put a strong case for inviting a fairly close family member who has shown kindness to her son in the past.

That is exactly how hosting an event works, and inviting the groom's great-aunt and uncle is not 'controlling the guest list'.

The bride and groom can have 'more friends and a younger vibe' if they pay for the event themselves. If they are happy to take their parents' money then space can be found on the guest list for family. Very simple.

You’ve invited your friends but won’t invite your own aunt and uncle? So, you’re hiding behind “they’ve said no” when it comes to
your aunt and uncle but when it comes to your own friends, it changes to “I have a say because I’m paying.”
So, which is it? Is it up to the bride and groom? Or are you in control here?

Why have you invited your friends anyway? It’s not your wedding. Either offer to pay but realise it’s their wedding so you don’t get any control or tell them to pay for it themselves. You sound very controlling. And seems like you just don’t want to hang out with your aunt and uncle so you’re blaming you’re son despite saying you actually do have control of the guest list.

It’s really bad form not to invite them by the way. Really bad.

Out of my 80 odd wedding guests I no longer am in contact with about 15 of them. But am with every single relative