To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

This, irrelevant of who’s paying the guest list is down to the bride and groom.

It’s none of your business who’s on the guest list OP, it’s not your wedding.

You are paying for the wedding so yes you do have a say.

Your uncle and aunt have been supportive of both you and your son over the difficulties you've had with your parents.

Your son and his fiancé need reminding of this, you don't turn your back on people you've helped you in life.

It's incredibly poor form to exclude people who've helped them in life in favour of short term work mates.

I would drop a couple of your friends from the guest list and invite your aunt and uncle instead. I think you will regret not inviting them, and it may change your relationship with them irreparably. Unless there is another reason your son doesn't want to invite them - it's normal to have people from a mix of generations at weddings, I've never heard of anyone specifically aiming for a 'younger vibe'.

Absolutely. I got married in the days when it was assumed that the brides parents would pay, and the invitations were from the parents, who had a major say in the guest list.

Nowadays the couple pay for their own wedding, maybe with a little help from the parents. So it's entirely their say.

I'd say that OP's situation lies somewhere in the middle. She is paying for the whole shebang, with no budget restraints. Her son is exceptionally fortunate, and in return should be a little more generous in allowing her a say in inviting supportive family members.

It really doesn't (or shouldn't work like that).

Parental contribution or total payment of costs does not equal getting a say on the guest list! What next, mum chooses the menu as she's paying for it? .

So your friends make the list, but supportive family members don’t? If it’s an age thing, could you offer to drop a couple of your friends to make way for your uncle?

I don’t really understand why you would want to include the only family members that have been lovely and supportive to you

This^ 100%
you don’t need to be super close friends with your supportive close blood relatives to invite them to the family event eg. wedding

I think both you and your son are being very thoughtless and also rude. But the thoughtlessness and lack of care for family members who have cared for you and your son stands out

It strikes me that you are in no way blameless for family rifts and that you’ve modelled uncaring behaviour to your son, if this is your response to his rudeness.

There's absolutely no comparison with choosing the menu. Family relationships are important.

Anyone who accepts tens of thousands of pounds of generosity, while contributing nothing themselves, would be expected to show a little appreciation by their actions, in any other circumstance. Why does a wedding have to be different?

I agree that venue, menu, decorations and everything else are the couple's decision, but such a generous parent should be allowed some leeway in the guest list.

Not when they get missed off the wedding guest list, it could alienate them.

It's their wedding, they can have what ever 'vibe' they want.

Op can inside they invite x,y,z but they can refuse (obviously op can withdraw offer of payment if they are unhappy, but it'snnot the ops wedding )

Just seems like controlling behaviour.

If you want to pay for your child’s wedding, then it should be a generous and selfless act. You want to pay because you want your child to have their perfect day. Not “Right I’m paying for this so I’m inviting XY and Z”

No matter who pays, the guest list should be 100% down to the bride and groom. Very simple.

Disagree. If you are paying for all of it, you get some say over the people you want to invite as well. If they are that fussy about your friends coming as well they should pay for the wedding themselves. Entitled much.

I don’t think you are BU as it’s not your decision. I think your son is though.

Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible.

You mean the relationship with your sibling, or the relationship with your parents? It seems odd to exclude your aunt and uncle who have been lovely and supportive to you and your son while including your parents, who have been less so. But in the end it's your son and his fiancée's decision, not yours. Although if she is having several older relatives including aunts and uncles on her side then it's not a decision I can pretend to understand.

Ultimately it is the bride and grooms decision but I'd ask them to reconsider.
I was in a similar position for our wedding but it was 3 great aunts and 3 great uncles my parents wanted me to invite. I reconsidered with the compromise of my parents would cover half the additional cost. Now I am 100% grateful that I did as it was the last time I saw a few of them before they passed away and was the last event they were all at together. I didn't understand then but now I understand how important it was to have them at our wedding.

Two woman at work bride and bridesmaid - wedding was a month ago and they haven’t spoken since the big day.

Thats friends for you!

I think people saying I'm hiding behind my son's wishes are probably spot on. This decision is sitting uneasily with me and I haven't had a direct conversation with my son about my uncle specifically. I've just gone along with their guest list where they've included our close friends. My parents won't have many people around them and I think there is an element of me wanting them to feel isolated. I'm not enjoying this insight into my motivation but this is the exact reason why I posted here.

@Gloriia - maybe in your culture/upbringing it doesn't work like that but in some it does.

Please don't assume everyone on this platform comes from the same background or has the same ideas etc.

OP has already stated she comes from a culture where family attending the wedding is the done thing.

i think you meant "exclude"…

Disagree.

If you are paying for all of it you should be doing it from the goodness of your heart, because you want the bride and groom to have their perfect day.

Wanting to invite someone to someone else’s wedding because you’re “paying for it” is even more “Entitled much”.

Madness. Glad I was brought up differently to this.

I think if it's a big wedding then two extra great aunts/uncles won't make a difference to the vibe. And I think you should have prioritised family over friends for your list, especially since this couple have been supportive of you.

Sounds like there's cultural issues at play here, but if the set up is that it's your call I think you should invite them. If it's the bride and groom, ask them nicely to reconsider and explain why.

I agree with this. You not inviting your aunt and uncle for a one day event will likely cause (justified imo) hurt which will last a lot longer than that one day.

Your ds and partner need to learn the bigger picture over a one day “vibe”