To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Ugh, I can’t stand it when parents use “we’re paying for it” as a reason to make demands about weddings. Either give your kid the money as a gift without conditions, or don’t give it to them. But don’t dress control up as generosity.

So these would be your child's great aunties and uncles - no I don't think you need to invite them unless they are extremely close to your parents/you/the child getting married

Did you even read the OP ?

One other thing to factor - as my DM often says, she tends to only see extended family mainly at funerals these days. It's nice therefore to see them on a happier occasion. Yes it's mainly the bride and groom's decision but where you're actually paying for the wedding - I think it's fair and reasonable to expect some extended family to be included and it's a bit of a 'naive' young view (and slightly selfish - I know it's their wedding so of all the times to be selfish, but still) to only want their friends of the same generation and discount the love and support of family that they've had around them during their lives.

I would invite them, older kind family members are precious and it’s only when they’re gone do you realise this and will regret them not being there

Personally I would invite your uncle and their spouse. I don't think that it is going to alter the vibe that much. The reality is some of these people giving the young vibes maybe strangers to the Bride and Groom in five years time.

It's bride and grooms decision who to invite but excluding people based on age as wanting a young vibe is weird.
Weddings are family occasions, what's important is the relationship you and your DC have with your uncle and aunt.
If they have been supportive and present in your lives then they should be invited, particularly as numbers aren't an issue.

Just saw update- that's a good result :)

@userzerozerozero - great result, OP. Thanks for updating!

Making demands is one thing but deserving some consideration is another..
It’s reasonable to assume the parents are making a financial sacrifice to pay for the wedding. Why on earth don’t they deserve some consideration , even if they’re not making a sacrifice? Are children not supposed to care about their parents’ feelings? Do adult children not owe their parents anything?
What a ghastly post apocalyptic world view.

There are so many people we invited to our wedding that we weren't in contact with 5 years later. They will be family forever.

Another of those threads where I want to find my DD and hug her. Even though she and my son in law were paying for their own wedding, she was still thoughtful enough to ask if I'd like to invite any friends, to ensure that I had company.

The way some people are responding, it seems that a parent paying for the whole lot should be grateful that they're even invited themselves.

Absolutely this.

Not your wedding whether your paying for it or not. It's your sons wedding, so it's his decision who he invites.

I think after the apocalypse there probably won’t be any weddings at all, so that’s rather dramatic phrasing. But no, I don’t think that children owe their parents anything. I also think that people old enough to get married are old enough to pay for their own celebration, cut their cloth in line with their own budget and choose for themselves who to invite.

@userzerozerozero shocked that you're even asking this question. As a previous poster said, very cunty behaviour indeed.

that's the right way to handle it. it's up to them who is invited, but it's okay to suggest people you think should be invited and say why. and then it's up to them to agree or to not agree. in this case, they decided it was worth inviting them. if they had said no, that's fine too. often, it's a numbers game. most of my wedding had no numbers restrictions to it, but the actual ceremony, we could only have a certain number of people in the same part of the cave, and there was CCTV for people in the much larger upper chamber of the cave. and I had a lot of guests who were on the "bump up" lists. eg. I invited my Grandad and his wife, knowing he was very unlikely to come. my cousin got offended because her then long term boyfriend was on the "bump up" list, rather than automatically on the list for the lower cave. I told her outright. I have people I KNOW won't come, but it's rude to invite them for the whole day, and not that part. BUT I know they won't come, and he's at the top of the bump up list. he's going to be there. but if they did come, he would just have been in the chamber with the CCTV for the length of the ceremony.
but a lot of venues have quite restrictive numbers, especially if there's a sit down meal. and of course a couple are going to prioritise the people they are closer to than, say, family members they don't see that often.

but yeah, I'm rambling. it's nice they decided they were able to invite them after all, and I hope you all have a lovely time.

I've got both friends and family that fit both sides of that. there are friends I can end up not seeing for years, and as soon as we see each other again, it's like there's been no time apart at all. same for some family members. there are also friends who were part of my life for a time, and aren't anymore, be that due to interests, changing jobs, etc. doesn't mean we weren't friends. we just weren't FOREVER. I don't regret that the friends no longer in my life were part of my wedding. it was lovely to have them there.

there's also family I've not seen for years who I immediately reconnect with when the opportunity arises (like my auntie who we hadn't seen for about a decade as she was living in Egypt. when we went for my nans funeral it was WONDERFUL seeing her again, and we connected like we'd never been apart. I've also got family I honestly couldn't care if I never saw them again.

being related doesn't automatically make someone an important part of your life. it doesn't even mean you like them. if my dad was still alive, I'd never have invited him, because I just realised over time that I didn't even LIKE him. let alone anything more.

The general rule ought to be that if parents are paying then they get at least some say in the guest list. And to be honest if your friends are going you can’t really get away with them wanting a ‘younger vibe’ as an excuse. The couple sounds a little shallow and pretentious actually.
If you want to keep these people in your life and value the support they have given you then I’d be trying to encourage the couple to. Reconsider

The right thing to do - well done for sorting it

I was “persuaded” to invite my grandad’s two sisters to my wedding. So pleased I did. They had the best time and our friends were totally charmed by them.

Personally, given the support they have offered during a difficult time, I would be trying to persuade my DS to include them in the invitation. I think it’s important for the family dynamics to maintain a healthy situation, especially as you don’t know how it will affect them moving forward and it seems ashamed to hurt their feelings.

Also, if you are funding the wedding as your post seems to intimate and your uncle knows this, I think it will reflect badly on you. If the wedding is sizable, I think extending the invitation to another few people would be the best route to take.

I think parents do not get a choice even if funding on venue, food, flowers, clothes, colours or anything like that even if funding the lot. But to exclude the Aunt and Uncle seems very wrong, it’s just two guests. Younger vibe, what a load of crap. Peoples ages had nothing to do with our guest list, youngest was 3 and oldest would have been around 90. @CrowleyKitten we have lost touch with a couple of friends who came to our wedding but what is more apparent is the partners of our friends who attended have changed a lot as we were first amongst our group to marry.

Had missed update, well done!

Who are you to dictate who is invited?