To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

[userzerozerozero]

I need to sanity check my thinking. My son is getting married, large wedding, no budget constraints fortunately. Long back story but I am NC with my own sibling and my parents have not been supportive of me over this however I still have a relationship with them and see them regularly. Our relationship is not positive and my MH around them is terrible. I come from a background where family is everything and there is a lot of pressure to do the right thing in terms of inviting wider family to significant events though I have broken rules around this many times in the past.

My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM.

Now my son is getting married and we've decided as a family not to invite my uncle and aunt mostly at the request of my son and his partner as they want more friends and a younger vibe. Deep down I'm wondering whether I've gone along with this to punish my parents in a way. My uncle will be deeply disappointed but they won't make a fuss. AIBU to just go along with it knowing my parents will be upset and potentially my uncle as well?

Only my parents and my son has a good relationship with them by separating the drama from his relationship with them as his grandparents.

@userzerozerozero - when we got married, we gave my parents and dh's parents 10 invitations each, so they could choose some guests they'd like to have there - could you do something similar? If it would mean you leaving off guests you really want, or having guests you absolutely cannot stand, then clearly this wouldn't work.

@userzerozerozero My DC got married earlier this year and their partner’s mother decided not to invite any of her extended family despite being encouraged to. We have a massive family, almost all of whom attended.

It was a fabulous day but the disparity of family numbers from each side was painful. They had many friends there too but I was extremely conscious of it.

You are paying for the wedding and have clearly got some say since you have friends coming. I really think inviting your aunt and uncle should be a hill to die on. Your DS won’t notice if they are there or not. You relatives definitely will know they have been missed out.

Wishing you luck. We have another one coming up soon!

Op if anything I think it's something that you will end up regretting and they would be right to ever support you again. Are you ok with that? Also it would confirm to them that you're probably just as bad as the sibling if they have been supporting you so kindly.
If it's just 2 extra people, and no financial constraints I think it's a really awful thing to do. Is this how you treat people that are actually good to you?

I think a lot of people just don't really understand the etiquette around weddings. It's surprising to me that you're in this situation as you clearly 'get it' but your DC unfortunately doesn't.

It's absolutely the case that if parents are paying for the wedding, they are the hosts and have the ultimate say on the guest list. It's been this way for hundreds of years and the b&g have the option of paying themselves , in which case they will be the hosts and can determine their own guest list.

This is just all part and parcel of the increasing selfishness of society imo... People only ever seem to care about themselves - younger vibe indeed - how rude!

Can you sit your DC down and explain this to them? They're young and need guidance imo - people don't magically know this kind of thing (as quite a few posts on this thread demonstrate).

It's a difficult one, but I think you can offer support here. It will hopefully help them avoid unknowingly making quite a big social faux pas that will cause a great deal of offence.

OP I took a similar approach to your son and DIL with my own wedding, although to be fair, my wedding was very small so I couldn't just invite anyone and everyone. My parents ended up having words with me and basically telling me that they wouldnt allow me to cause family rifts over my wedding, so if I wanted them to fund it, family had to come first. There were a few tears on my side as I had to cut out some really good friends, but with hindsight it was absolutely the right decision and has led to important family ties being strengthened, which has been brilliant now I have my own children.

Sometimes the "young folk" need a bit of steering in the right direction with these things. Especially in cases like yours where there's no real limit on people (except presumably space at the venue!).

I've had people at my wedding that supported my parents in various stages of their lives, even though they were not particularly close to me. Sometimes your wedding really isn't all about you. You need to speak to your ds and tell him that. He's old enough to be getting married, then he's old enough to have this conversation with.

I would have invited your aunt and uncle instead of your parents as they seem to have been much more supportive to you throughout your life than your parents have.

You seem to be replicating patterns that have caused harm to you in your family. It’s good that you’re realising this.

Yes, we can be the hapless product of our parents’ frailties but as adults, it’s our responsibility to try to play well with the hand we’ve been dealt - and try not to repeat harmful patterns.

Here’s your opportunity to grow and to model better parenting for your son than you received. He need to realise the harm he’s doing by not inviting his great uncle.

This isn't your decision, surely.

When my parents got married in the 60s my grandparents paid for the wedding and it was predominantly their guests (my parents had their attendants and that was it). When I got married in the 90s my parents paid and the guest list was split evenly between their guests, my ILs guests and DH and my guests. I think it's really sad that so many people now think that parents should have no say in the guest list. Weddings are about two families coming together, it's not just a party for friends and older relatives absolutely should be there.

Talk to your DS and tell him your uncle and aunt have to be invited.

Whatever you decide, you need to own it because at some point your uncle may well ask why he wasn't invited and you need to look him in the eye with an answer.

You can't scapegoat your son or hide behind saying DS didn't invite yoand d it wasn't my place because you know it's just not true: you're paying and expect to invite some people.

This is why I paid for my own weeding so that I didn’t have to pander to my parents and add complete strangers to the guest list. It should be the bride and grooms choice as to who attends.

It "sort of isn't" your decision who is invited just because you are paying! I had exactly this scenario,my DH and I second marriage,big mortgage 4dks, decided to go to Gretna, just us 6, could just about afford the train there, night in a hotel, booked paid deposit. Casually mentioned this to his M, (whom he owed nothing to, she walked out when he was a young child,) she went mad, booked several different venues, loosing deposits and her inviting different relatives,that we couldn't then say no to. I wish to this day,we had told no one, and this year was our silver wedding anniversary.

This is probably what will happen and we are still saying no. I don't think we should be guilted into having people attend our wedding that we are not close to! The offer of paying for them wouldn't sway me (and would actually rather annoy me). It's not about the money, we want to spend our day with people we are close to and who know us. There are plenty of other close family members being invited, in my opinion granuncles / great uncles are not close family! In some cases, they would me meeting be for the first or second time, and meeting OH for the first time in years. I'm leaving the decision up to my OH because it's his family members but he's on the exact same page.

What a sorry state of affairs! I would definitely be going No Contact if I were a member of your family.

People are being very harsh on the bride and groom on this thread! From the OP's posts:

• The bride and groom have invited a number of OP's friends without being asked to
• The OP has not asked them to invite the great aunt and uncle
• The OP has admitted to prevaricating on asking them as she's unhappy with her parents and doesn't want to make their lives easier (I think, may have misunderstood this one)

I think the great aunt and uncle should be invited, for all the reasons others have stated, and I think the OP should just ask the bride and groom and explain why, they'll probably say yes.

It's absolutely the case that if parents are paying for the wedding, they are the hosts and have the ultimate say on the guest list.

They really don't. But I think that any bride and groom who are having a large and expensive wedding paid for entirely by their parents, should show some appreciation by being flexible and generous in return. Which is likely to mean allowing the parents to invite just a few people who would otherwise not be on their list.

It is their choice, not yours, keep out of it.

Whilst the bride & groom's opinions are important, the final decision surely rests with whoever's paying the bill for the wedding reception - although with bride & groom's opinions taken into account.
At least that's how it was when I married my ex 51 years ago - there were relatives and family friends I particularly wanted to invite but wasn't allowed to, and a distant relative of my fiance was invited at the insistence of fiance's father; we never saw the distant relative ever again after the wedding and fiance hadn't seen them for many years beforehand.

Put them down on your guest list.

My parents demanded I invite their friends to my wedding. I didn’t want them there. They are not my friends. It’s unreasonable. Plus.. although you might be paying for it.. it’s not your party. Leave it to the bride and groom to decide what they want to do.

In your op you state that
"My mother's brother and family have been very supportive of me through the ups and downs of my decision around breaking ties with my sibling and have offered support and advice when needed while still remaining close with my parents. They are lovely to my son but they are not close with them IFYSWIM."
So
1.they have been supportive
2.Your budget does not stop you inviting them.

1. You may live to regret it.
2. 1, 2, 5 or 25 years from now are the 'young vibe ' friends going to be there?
3. Your uncle may still be alive and you may still need his support other than indifference.

I don't see why it's hard to make the decision to invite!

I think social etiquette has come a long way in 50yrs (genuinely, I'm not mocking) and while yes decades ago the parents paid and chose the guests it isn't like that now.

Of course you can ask, and surely the B&G would recognise a close relationship with someone but the op's presumption that as she is paying she kinda gets to choose doesn't really stand in this day and age.

Right? And it’s a large wedding so what’s a couple more people?