Inappropriate movies at sleepovers

[Curiousitykillsthecat]

I can't decide if I'm being ridiculous or not. DS12 has been invited to a Halloween sleepover. I was delighted as doesn't get many invites. But the other kids are planning the movies they will watch and they are all 18+ including things like the SAW movies, etc. Hosting mum is pretty relaxed about it. But I don't think it's appropriate. My DS doesn't want to watch really scary films but does want to go to the party. I'm sad to say he can't go but I also don't feel it's right to be watching those movies at 12. Aibu to say DS can't go?

That would be a no from me.

Have you asked the hosting mum directly? Sometimes 12 year olds exaggerate 😂

I would ask him.. make sure he knows they will be showing a very scary film and tell him that if he wants you can say he isn't allowed to go. Or you could pick him up due to a 'family emergency' if he decides to go but doesn't feel comfortable staying or the film is too scary for him.
I'd work with him to come up with a solution as it will give him a greater sense of trust and responsibility.
One thing my parents did right was foster a sense of openness and trust.. so that they and I knew as I entered my teen years things might be going on at parties I attended that I wasn't comfortable with. I was always allowed to go to parties and trusted to make my own judgement as long as I was always honest and they knew where I was. They were always available to come and pick me up if I ever decided a situation wasn't for me.

It's a no from me too. I went to a sleepover when I was 11 and watch Children of the Corn and then a cartoon with lots of sex and sex references in it which I didn't really get but felt uneasy about. I was terrified of the movie for years later , there was an older boy in school who looked like one of the main bad children and I remember being genuinely petrified when I saw him. Looking back it was so inappropriate of the parents and makes me feel quite angry with them tbh. In some ways it's quite abusive as it's so damaging and outwith child's control at the time.

Kids sneakily watching films made for older children and adults at sleepovers is one thing (many of us have done so) but to do so in the full knowledge/ encouragement of the 'supervising' adult at the age of 12 is altogether different. If the adult is lax about that then I'd be questioning what else they were 'relaxed' about. A few swigs of alcohol? Vaping? Smoking?

There's a big difference between a 15 and an 18. We let ds watch 15s at that age only if we'd watched them first, or they were films that were certified 15 when they were released 20 or 30 years ago but would be considered 'tame' now. We're relaxing the rules a bit more now he's 14, but it's an absolute no to 18s.

I'd definitely judge a parent who did this, and I don't care if it's considered prudish these days. Kids lose their innocence early enough, we seem to want to let them grow up too soon and I find it really quite sad.

Can you talk to the mum to see if she could find something that’s not quite so bad (but bad enough the kids feel they aren’t losing out!)

I am a massive horror fan but am horrified by some of the films people let their young kids watch - terrifier, hostel, saw.... It's just wrong, they are too young to be exposed to that sort of nastiness, no way in hell my 12yr old is watching those and luckily he doesn't seem to want to.

YANBU. It would be an absolute no from me. I know it feels hard to say no as you say he hardly gets invited but you have to think long term here. Does he really want friends who watch 18+ films? Do you want him hanging around with friends like these? I went to a two sleepovers around the same age and one we watched clown house and the other Basic Instinct. I had no control or say in watching this but I never forgot the impact these films had. If you feel able to, speak to the mum and tell her your concerns. FWIW I am dreading my DS twins being invited to another sleepover because the last time they went I found out after one of the boys wanted to watch The Conjuring. One of my sons actually said 'I don't want to watch this, I don't like horror' and fair play to the other boy he said 'ok we won't watch it if you don't like it'. I feel very happy my son had the guts to say it but not sure this would happen again as he's a bit older now. Plus, that one nice considerate boy may not be how other boys would react. It's awful at this age as many want to watch age inappropriate films and not wanting to can lead to feeling excluded. But you have to think long term as I said and have an honest conversation with him about why he wants to go and what watching these films could mean.

My son is 12 too and I'd honestly let him go. But he doesn't scared by horror movies whatsoever and finds them quite funny. I know I'll get judged for that but I think it is a different situation for you as you say your son doesn't want to see scary movies. He might say yes to going so as not to feel left out but if you feel he will genuinely be affected, I'd say don't let him go. I wouldn't recommend talking to the mom though really.

Nothing to add but this reminds me of when my son was invited to a sleepover in year 6. The mum set up a projector in the garden with fairy lights and snacks and put Ali G in da house on for them.
Could you get a more terrible film for 10 year olds.

My DS has told them he doesn't want to watch an 18 but his mates called him babyish. I'm glad he told me. I totally get it that they are growing up and want to test boundaries and do sneaky things. I remember the fun of sleepovers and watching things but I remember being traumatised watching nightmare on elm street at an early age.

Each to their own I was watching and loving horrors at that age. I would let my own children probably around 13+ as they appear to have my appetite and enjoy similar books.

Judgement of entertainment choice in comparison to alcohol or drugs is ignorant and ridiculously inaccurate. Honestly talk about a leap!

Plenty of people love the genre and are perfectly normal individuals. If it's not your bag then so be it.

If it was my sons friends I would go vintage, the omen, pet cemetery, rosemary's baby, the shining etc. Exploring a genre of film is a hell of a lot preferable to them experimenting with something else.

I would ask the parents we only had one decline due to religious reasons so we arranged an alternative event another time.

I wouldn’t want him to go. Similarly to PPs, I went to sleepovers at 11/12 years old where we watched Scream, Candyman and Halloween. I had nightmares for months and had to sleep in my mum’s room a few times. I was too scared to even go on a ghost train at that age.

Very risky of the mum - several teacher friends of mine have mentioned that if a child of 12 were to mention they’ve watched an 18 film, it warrants immediate referral to the safeguarding team at their school.

I’ve never allowed age inappropriate films at sleep overs and usually agreed in advance the precise film to be watched. The mum may be relaxed about it with her children (and can put herself at risk with the safeguarding team at school if she wants to take the risk) but she should not take those liberties with other people’s kids. You’d put yourself at risk if you knowingly allow your child to attend where this material is being viewed.

It would be a big fat no from me, I’m afraid.

Just to add, I think it's Wolf Creek that has an horrific rape scene in it and is rated 18. I'd be absolutely horrified if my 12yo was watching something like that with another parent's knowledge. It's not just the gory 'horror' violence (which, let's face it, many kids are desensitised to at an early age) but the sexual violence that often comes with an 18. I don't want my child becoming desensitised to graphic sexual violence.

I went to a sleepover at 13 and was allowed to watch Robocop and Small Sacrifices. Absolutely traumatised by both it two very different ways! No way would I allow this.

It would be a no from me. Maybe speak to the parents and say she's only allowed to watch 12's but her friends are talking about inappropriate films so they know. The parents may not be relaxed, the kids may just be saying that.

Exploring a genre of film is a hell of a lot preferable to them experimenting with something else.

^ why the need for any experimentation that's negative? Well safeguarded kids can do things like take on a new challenge in their EC activities if they want a thrill. No need for anything dangerous.

I was forever traumatised by watching The Candyman as a young teen.

I'm guilty of this.

There's no censorship in this house unless it's very, very sexual.

When there are children of various ages in the household and/or sharing a room they're going to see films aimed at 15 or 18 year olds.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant how about you just dont put 15 and 18 films on when young children are sharing a room or still awake?

Stand By Me & The Goonies were the sorts of scary movies that me and my friends got to watch at sleepovers at that age in the early 1990s.

What’s wrong with that kind of film?

The Sixth Sense could be another option.

I would check with the hosting mum what films they are actually going to watch and view them myself if I haven't watched them recently. If I wasn't completely happy I would refuse to let my DS go (he can blame you rather than his friends call him a baby) or come up with a reason he can only go for a couple of hours.

Really? They are on the cusp of being teenagers. Their natural default is to push the system and rebel, I know exactly what 99% of teens would say if I said your suggestion as I would have too at that age. It is completely developmentally appropriate to push boundaries.

Honestly I want to watch someone try sell them a challenge, over a scary film🤣.

If it isn't for the ops son then that is fine but burying heads isn't going to sort this. To be fair be had notice so fair play for that. And no the others shouldn't be slagging.

I would have said he would be up for it but as a parent I wasn't. Boring old mum complaining is part of the course at this age.

Most parents I know have a word or text code to pull them out of any situation no questions asked and completely on the parents. Might be worth putting this in place @Curiousitykillsthecat to provide him reassurance in the future.

I can never understand when the ultimate taboo is sex but the kids can watch all kinds of violence.

I wouldn’t allow it for my DC at that age, their minds are usually not emotionally ready.

My parents were pretty lax about a lot of things and I wish they had been less permissive.

Hmm, that’s a hard one.
I would not allow my 11 year old to watch those movies, although we did watch Sleepy Hollow together recently, as he was aching to watch a scary movie and I wanted him to be with me when he watched his first scary movie so we could talk about it after or turn it off if he felt too scared.
I would be uncomfortable with him watching horrors that aim to be as gruesome and gory as possible and often deal with other grown up themes, like SA, drug abuse etc.
Any films over a 15 would be a NO NO for me.
But the reason I say it’s a hard one, is because for me, I know my son would be begging to go and saying he wants to watch scary movies with his friends and I would feel so bad for him thinking he is missing out on some kind of rite of passage.
However, as your son does not want to watch horror movies and you are worried he may be left traumatised, I would advise him to give this one a miss.
But speak to the mum first and make sure you are getting the full story.
Of not maybe being questioned about it might make her think twice.
Although your son might get some stick for it!