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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he have paid?

174 replies

SpookySN · 20/10/2024 20:29

My boyfriend and I went away for my birthday last weekend. We've only been together for 5 months.

He planned the weekend and requested that I paid half for the two hotels only and said he would pay for everything else. I thought that was generous. I paid half for the hotels.

When we got there, he bought me a pastry for breakfast and then our main meal at an Italian restaurant. It was lovely. He then told me he wasn't paying for anything else because he couldn't afford to. I thought fair enough and proceeded to pay for everything I wanted from then onwards over the two days.

My issue was then seeing how he proceeded to spent his money afterwards. It was a little perplexing. He asked if we could go to a casino and then gambled there. The next day, he gambled on different machines in the arcades or in pubs we went to.

This weekend, when going out with friends, he's gambled again but will be reluctant to go out and do something because he can't afford it.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable to observe this! It's his money after all. I just don't know whether I should be feeling a little pissed off that he prioritises gambling over sticking to his word and paying for things last weekend. Let me know your thoughts.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 09:42

OP I'm sorry if you feel you've had a pasting on your threads.

I'm glad you're intending to end things now.

MSLRT · 21/10/2024 09:46

You have all of mumsnet's permission to dump the bastard.

BMW6 · 21/10/2024 09:53

FGS just tell him to get lost! Do it by text if you can't do it face to face.

What. A. CREEP

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 10:02

SpookySN · 21/10/2024 09:08

Quite the opposite. I was hoping people would tell me exactly what you're all telling me - to dump the bastard and that I am not overthinking poor behaviour.

Whenever I mention something that is bothering me to this guy, he always downplays it and shuts down. He finds face to face communication incredibly difficult and I end up feeling like I am being horrible to him. It's such a headfuck. It makes me doubt everything I am feeling. So no, I really didn't need anyone to tell me to continue the relationship! I just needed a team of people to validate my feelings here and make me see that leaving him is entirely justified.

Yes, I know this means I need to work on myself. I was with my STBXH from 15 years old. I had a period of singleness after leaving my marriage for over a year. Then this. My STBXH wasn't any better.

Show quote history

I did wonder. I think your STBXH and this bloke have really done a number on you; gaslighting and emotional manipulation and abuse are incredibly damaging and IME take years to recover from. Please be nice to yourself, lean into listening to what your body is telling you and beginning to trust yourself.

I agree with PP who said it’s ok to end this by text. But I might want another meeting first in which you watch him delete the photos of you from all his devices and the cloud (what he did taking these and then sharing them is illegal, in case he tries to downplay that as well). Wishing you the best for your path ahead.

Dweetfidilove · 21/10/2024 10:03

CheeseFiend40 · 20/10/2024 22:39

I can’t tell if these are all troll posts cos I struggle to believe that anyone is this dense!

It’s so blatantly obvious that you need to dump him and move on, but that’s obviously not what you’re going to do judging by your previous posts.

What’s going to happen is that you’re going to choose him over your child. Your son has already told you he doesn’t want to move away and your piece of shit (POS) boyfriend won’t move to your area. So your son (that you don’t give a shit about) will go live with his grandma. You’ll move in with the POS and get pregnant straight away, cos you’ve already discussed all this only 5 months in.

So you’ll lose touch with your child, you’ll be pregnant and living with the POS, he’ll continue to take pornographic photos of you and show people down the pub, cos he has no respect for you and never did. He’ll continue to gamble, cos you already know that’s what he does, most likely gambling your money as well. That’s if you have any as you’ll probably give up work to have his baby (just guessing!). So future posts will be complaining that there’s no money for food or baby items cos he’s gambled it all away, and how surprised you are by this behaviour, what should I do…blah blah blah…

Sweet Lord Jesus 🤦🏾‍♀️. I wish I had a place for all these children.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 21/10/2024 10:13

You don't need his agreement to end the relationship.

Channellingsophistication · 21/10/2024 10:14

Prioritising spending on gambling over spending on you? Previously shared intimate photos also. Really not ok. You deserve better surely. Move on he’s not a keeper

DaisyChain505 · 21/10/2024 10:15

You’ve already posted about this creep sharing intimate photos of you with his friends in front of you.

get some standards and self respect and bin off this loser.

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 10:19

I believe it would benefit you to do the Freedom Programme @SpookySN

And I do wish you well going forward.

Anothernamechane · 21/10/2024 10:24

Take some time to yourself and work on yourself. Try to understand why you accept this kind of treatment. I’m not blaming you, I have a history of going for terrible men too, but staying when he’s treating you badly IS a choice.

TwistedWonder · 21/10/2024 10:33

OP - you say you were single for a year after your marriage broke up. Although that may seem a long time, it’s often nowhere near enough time to really recover from a toxic relationship and get yourself into a position where you are truly ready to date again.

I definitely agree that the freedom programme would really help you to understand why you repeat patterns of toxic relationships and to really work on yourself.

Yes we have given you a bit of a hard time on here but it’s only because most of us outsiders can clearly see what an abusive twat this man is and sometimes a wake up call of tough love is needed.

Good luck moving forward free from this dickhead

MrSeptember · 21/10/2024 10:39

He could have spent his money helping the homeless and I'd still be pissed off. He said that he would treat me, then he didn't. I can't stand it when people don't stick to what they say. I don't expect people to take me away for my birthday and pay. But if they offer, I bloody well do expect them to stick to it.

years ago my sister offered ot pay for a hotel on a weekend away - just me and toddler DS. She knew money was tight. Lovely. We went out for a meal one night but although it was in the hotel, we couldn't expense the meal to the rooms. So I had to pay as she hadn't brought her wallet. So I paid for me and a toddler, 2 adults and two teens. She never paid me back and I didn't feel I could ask but it was very expensive and worked out to almost the cost of our room for the one night for their meals (and drinks). I was really annoyed and upset about it because at the time I just didn't have that money - that's why she'd offered to pay in the first place.

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 10:49

@MrSeptember are you the OP with a name change fail?

MrSeptember · 21/10/2024 11:01

@TheShellBeach no. What a weird question. Because I think the OP has the right to be annoyed he didn't pay for her dinner when he'd said he would? I'm someone who would be annoyed if someone offered to take me out, and then once we arrived, announced that actually, i have to pay my own way. x1000 if he was then spending the money on gambling.

If he'd said in advance that actually, he couldn't afford it, 100% fine. No problem whatsoever. But I can't stand it when people say they'll do something and then when it comes down to it, don't do it. Not just to do with money, obviously.

bifurCAT · 21/10/2024 11:08

Absolutely agree with all the other posters.

The best thing you can do now is actually go through with it and reassure everyone here you're alright!

FeedingThem · 21/10/2024 11:12

Big red gambley flag

SantasRubiksCube · 21/10/2024 11:14

People will treat you the way you allow them to, if you continue to let this charmer treat you like crap then he obviously will (quite happily by the sounds of it). Get rid of the shitty bf and teach your teenage son that he means more to you, you may have gone through a lot with your ex but I'm guessing your DS went through a lot too, don't make him go through more crap by being a wet blanket and choosing a loser bf over your child.

Ohnobackagain · 21/10/2024 11:42

@SpookySN so he said he was paying for your break apart from the hotels then moved the goal posts. He shared videos. He gambles.

Anyone of these is a more than a good reason to get rid. Don’t feel guilty, don’t even bother to explain but get those videos deleted somehow and then block.

Gently, I would consider some counselling to work on your self-esteem so that you can be confident about setting boundaries and not accepting the low standards of these pathetic men.

Honestly - you are worthy of, and deserve, someone to love and cherish you. You do not deserve any of what this idiot has put you through.

Better to be alone and happy than this crap.

GabriellaMontez · 21/10/2024 11:48

He finds face to face communication incredibly difficult

This alone is a good reason to leave him. Face to face communication...? You mean life?

How does this man disagree or resolve conflict?

Original poster
SpookySN · 21/10/2024 12:39

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 10:49

@MrSeptember are you the OP with a name change fail?

I can assure you that this is not the case at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpookySN · 21/10/2024 12:43

I will definitely be ending the relationship.

The issue with moving in with him and having a child with him in the future was one I put an end to recently. Told him my DS wellbeing was more important and we were staying put. My son will always come first. He is the most important person in my life.

The reason for hesitancy is because of the amount of things we have planned. Lots of gigs (including this Friday) and a holiday abroad in December. I hate how much I have planned that is tied to him.

OP posts:
Dotto · 21/10/2024 12:47

You have to see that he has ruined those plans though? You're not going to them, are you?

TwistedWonder · 21/10/2024 12:50

OP you know he’ll find a way of making you pay for the gigs and holiday if you go. He’ll claim to be skint while ordering cocktails and slap up meals that’ll you end up stumping up for.

Cut your losses and lose the money you’ve paid already. Its a price worth paying to get rid of the loser

Catoo · 21/10/2024 12:55

SpookySN · 21/10/2024 12:43

I will definitely be ending the relationship.

The issue with moving in with him and having a child with him in the future was one I put an end to recently. Told him my DS wellbeing was more important and we were staying put. My son will always come first. He is the most important person in my life.

The reason for hesitancy is because of the amount of things we have planned. Lots of gigs (including this Friday) and a holiday abroad in December. I hate how much I have planned that is tied to him.

If you have the gig tickets you can go with a friend instead.

If you booked and paid for the holiday, take a friend instead or cancel his ticket and go with DC. Or just don’t go.

You don’t stay with someone so appalling for gigs and holidays.

TheShellBeach · 21/10/2024 12:56

The reason for hesitancy is because of the amount of things we have planned. Lots of gigs (including this Friday) and a holiday abroad in December

So you'd rather go on holiday with the man who took intimate pictures of you without your consent, and who shares them around people you barely know?

In any case, you'll only end up paying for everything again.

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