Should he have paid?

[SpookySN]

My boyfriend and I went away for my birthday last weekend. We've only been together for 5 months.

He planned the weekend and requested that I paid half for the two hotels only and said he would pay for everything else. I thought that was generous. I paid half for the hotels.

When we got there, he bought me a pastry for breakfast and then our main meal at an Italian restaurant. It was lovely. He then told me he wasn't paying for anything else because he couldn't afford to. I thought fair enough and proceeded to pay for everything I wanted from then onwards over the two days.

My issue was then seeing how he proceeded to spent his money afterwards. It was a little perplexing. He asked if we could go to a casino and then gambled there. The next day, he gambled on different machines in the arcades or in pubs we went to.

This weekend, when going out with friends, he's gambled again but will be reluctant to go out and do something because he can't afford it.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable to observe this! It's his money after all. I just don't know whether I should be feeling a little pissed off that he prioritises gambling over sticking to his word and paying for things last weekend. Let me know your thoughts.

Dump him hes vile

I thought I was the only one this jaded.

@SpookySN He's had no problem treating you with disrespect and he has a gambling addiction.

Dig deep and find enough self respect to get rid of him before his next move is having you sell content on OF to pay for his addiction, after he gets you into debt too.

Please finish this OP. If you don’t now you will be in misery for a long time and miss some genuine happy years

If it is, she's got two threads on the go 🤷‍♂️

YANBU continue to date him and you'll find gambling is the other party in your relationship
Bit much to say he couldn't afford your weekend yet can afford to throw his money away
Early days and he should be on " best behaviour"

Run as far as you can. Don't have this dead beat in your life any longer.

I like what a poster above said. You don't need a reason or to justify ending things. Hell try to manipulate and talk you out of ending things. Don't engage.

Not sure sharing your photos with his friends and putting gambling before you is you nitpicking

If he’s this much of a dick 5 months in, imagine 5 years in.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Sorry but I’d be running for the hills and fast.

This. Why are you still seeing someone who showed his mates your intimate photos? I'd have binned him for that so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground and now you find out he's a gambler. Wasn't that enough?

You need to stop analysing this - You’ve already posted about him happily showing off “private” videos of you to his friends .
It sounds like you are hoping someone will tell you , you are overthinking things , you aren’t .
he’s a grade a nob , he’s a gambler who has zero respect for you and has the maturity of a 12 year old . FGS bin him off OP

Absolutely. If this has a poll it would be 💯 dump the fucker.

Not a single person is going to say ‘yeah showing people down the pub photos of you giving a BJ and you paying for your own birthday weekend while he gambles is normal as fuck. Hes a keeper marry him asap’

OP surely you already know the answer

Not to kick you when you are already feeling vulnerable and humiliated OP, but, FFS, raise your bar, please...
It is currently positively subterranean and all you are likely to encounter are worms...

The man has a problem and long term this will end badly. You’ll commit, have kids together, you’ll be the one paying the bills, he will gamble your shared property away, you’ll then keep discovering his secret debts.

There is no point ‘talking to him’ about this. He’s a gambling addict with no respect for your boundaries. You’re not nitpicking. But he won’t see the light and change after a heart to heart conversation. This is who he is, and how he behaves. And you can do better, I promise!

Nope. Boyfriend, be gone!

Ha ha ha, domestic violence, har har.

Don't stay in a relationship with a gambler, and for heaven's sake don't have children with him. Families of gamblers lose everything.

Other posts mention that he has shared intimate photos of you.

You feel humiliated. That's exactly what he's aiming for.

It appears that you stuck around after sexual humiliation, if previous posters are correct about your posting history. Now he's aiming for financial humiliation, where he forces you to pay for things he's agreed to. He won't buy the food he'd said he pay for, but he's happy to gamble that money away to show you exactly how worthless he considers you to be.

This one really isn't going to get any better.

Run like the wind. My brother is a gambler, mhch as l love him he is a nightmare. My first Dsil with whom l am still friends had to block him from using their accounts and he had one acct just for his gambling which was limited to £100 per month. He would sometimes do it in the first day. Then the tricks he would get up to to get more money were unbelievable. He would tell our parents he was skint/ no money for food etc and not to tell DW. Did them out of thousands over a few years. He once picked up a phone a young girl dropped in front of him and instead of chasing her with it, kept it, got it unlocked and sold it. He would literally have sold his mother to get more stake money.
My 2nd Dsil sadly now deceased from secondary breast cancer upon being given the all clear he told people she still had it in order to hurry up getting some inheritance money by emotiob blackmail. He then blew that wuthoht telling poor sil he had yet had it.
Sadly and ironcally her cancer came back a few years later and this time was terminal. She ended her days in a rented house as they lost their house through his debts.
I have helped him out with her funeral but insisted on paying funeral director directly. Otherwise a good chance, yes even that, he would have gambled it.

Yoh will havs a ljfe of hardship, financial misery and be lied to over and over....run !!

Life isn't a dress rehearsal OP. Imagine looking back when you're 80, remembering all the shitty things he's done (as there will be many more), the pain he bought you, the chances you missed out on because you were with him... Being with someone who respects you and makes you happy, for one. Imagine knowing you'd seen the red flags, been advised by countless people not to stay with him, but had stayed with him anyway and wasted so many years of your life - how regretful you'd be. Your chance to not have that is literally right now. Do yourself and your future self a massive favour and free yourself of this absolute wanker x

The gambling is a red flag.. big one!!!

Throw him back

Quite the opposite. I was hoping people would tell me exactly what you're all telling me - to dump the bastard and that I am not overthinking poor behaviour.

Whenever I mention something that is bothering me to this guy, he always downplays it and shuts down. He finds face to face communication incredibly difficult and I end up feeling like I am being horrible to him. It's such a headfuck. It makes me doubt everything I am feeling. So no, I really didn't need anyone to tell me to continue the relationship! I just needed a team of people to validate my feelings here and make me see that leaving him is entirely justified.

Yes, I know this means I need to work on myself. I was with my STBXH from 15 years old. I had a period of singleness after leaving my marriage for over a year. Then this. My STBXH wasn't any better.

I was hoping people would tell me exactly what you're all telling me - to dump the bastard and that I am not overthinking poor behaviour.

The thing is you shouldn't need lots of people validating your feelings regarding him taking those photos of you. That is when you should have been able to say "No, I'm worth more and they are an abusive horrible person, it is over". The question you should be asking is why didn't you, not should I give him another chance.

He's not the one giving you a head fuck. You are giving it to yourself. Why?

If the face to face communication is such a headfuck then this is an occasion that totally justifies ending this by text.

You don't owe him anything at all.

Please write yourself a short clear statement that you can repeat in your head and to him if you to end up speaking.

Something like I had to say to my exh about 3 gazillion times before it finally sank in. Please don't be me! Get out now.

" We are over. I am not changing my mind."

Strength and peace to you.