Were you happier in your child free life?

[Kickingleavesaround]

Rare day alone today, remembering the peace, the slowness and doing whatever you wanted, long doh walks, laying on the sofa all afternoon watching what you wanted, trips to pubs or beach bars…adore my Dd, more than anything in the world, but I think I was happier then, in a different way, god life was so easy! I had no idea

Just want to say, I don't have kids, but my life is nothing like you describe! Long and difficult former marriage, 12 years of caregiving for my parents before they both passed...I feel as exhausted as if I'd raised three difficult teens.

Just saying.

I was happy pre, I enjoyed them during, happy now they are older. I like LentiWeaver always made sure I had plenty of me time whilst raising them and can't understand why many mothers are such martyrs and don't.

Yes I was happier and in many ways more fulfilled before I had children. The early years totally hollowed me out and made me somebody very different. I feel I used to have a world inside me and that seems to have gone and instead I feel more like a servant to my family, earn money, cook, shop, make sure the kids have everything they need, have done their homework, their teeth, have clean clothes, don't murder each other.

Motherhood is nothing like the fantasy, its sheer labour and while there are moments when you feel a fleeting sense of joy or pride it is never without you giving your all and working to create that feeling. I used to love that sense on a Sunday, reading in my room or watching a movie as my uniform was magically ironed and my delicious Sunday roast materialised in the kitchen and I felt comforted by the sounds of my parents going about their various jobs around the home and I'd think how happy and content we all were. Now I can see they probably were on their last nerve and hating it, my mum told me as much when I asked her about it recently. Moments for yourself to read or be creative or do a bit of self care and all rushed and not really that relaxing or rejuvenating and I have a husband who does an equal share and who feels much as I do.

I love my children more than I could have imagined and I want them to have an amazing childhood but if I had known how I would feel, how much drudgery it would be I'm not sure I would have had children. I miss the person I was before kids, I miss my time to reflect and be creative, I miss the relationship I had with my husband before we had children, I liked myself better back then.

I think you can love your children but not enjoy motherhood and I think that experience might even be fairly normal.

Christ.

My beautifully renovated house and carefully chosen and saved up for furniture are a shadow of what it all once looked.

I can never sit anywhere in my house without first moving other people’s crap/belongings.

The toilet floor is never dry, neither is the seat which is always up.

The kitchen gets decimated within minutes of me cleaning it.

Theres never a towel in the bathroom and when I do locate one, it’s wet.

Every surface everywhere in the house has other people’s crap on.

Every day it’s my responsibility to answer the question “what’s for tea?” And to plan out and shop for everything everyone eats.

The laundry pile never recedes.

There’s shoes scattered across the hallway, I put them all away this morning. They are back.

I moved the abandoned footballs, goal posts and huge basketball stand from my carefully cared for lawn again this afternoon.
Over the summer I fed it, weeded it, mowed it and repaired the huge dead grass area from the break cleaner sprayed over the motorbike jet washed in August in the centre of my lawn.

The contents of the boot of the car is in my tiny hallway. You can’t fit a huge bag of footballs in the boot you see when the shopping bags, picnic blanket and parcel shelf are in it apparently. It’s been there for 3 weeks now.

There’s a half opened large parcel under the coffee table, it’s been there a week and will be there another 3-4, until I ask who’s it is then it will be moved to another location for a few weeks.

The dining room table is unusable due to the football kits piled up on it. They have been there for 2 weeks now.

There is a shin pad on my coffee table. The other is at the top of the stairs.

A hoodie belonging to someone, not me has been on the sofa for about a week now.

I am miserable living like this.

Today I bought a roll of bin bags. That has made me happy because I’m going to gather everything up and put it all into bin bags. Tie the top and then put outside the back door.

I am planning my escape. As soon as I come into some money, I will be leaving them all to it.
Then I shall be happy again. In my ordered, clean, tidy, quiet house where I live alone.

I am invisible. I am no one. I am unimportant and no one cares if I am here or not. No one.
I used to be someone, I used to be useful and cared about.
I disappeared when everyone else’s needs superseded mine. I am the bottom of the pile.

No. I’m not happy. Not at all. I wish all my dreams had come true with that positive pregnancy test.

Never told another living soul any of that.

Perfectly said 👏🏻

Obviously it's a joke 👀

My pre-children days honestly just felt like I was treading water until I got to settle down and start my family. My life was happy enough with friends, boyfriends, nights out, holidays etc, but it all felt a little pointless and I'm exponentially happier now. Like I'm living the life I was always meant to. I'm far more comfortable in my own skin now too.

Oh, poor you!

Sounds like you desperately need a come-to-Jesus talk with your family and whip them all into shape. (Assuming the kids are old enough to help.)

You need to communicate. They'll assume you're OK with all this unless you speak up. Put your foot down. Find your Queen of the Household power!

Hugs xxx

Thank you for putting it so eloquently. You’ve absolutely nailed.

I was single for a long time and enjoyed a lot of it -- the freedom and the money but it got boring and I lacked focus. Weekends and evenings were often a little lonely as everyone was busy and went back to partners and families. It was more effort to fill in the leisure time.

I have 2 toddlers now and feel more stressed but also more sense of purpose. I look to the future more. It's often really hard and but there are moments I know I'll remember forever, like my 2yo putting her hands on her face to kiss me or my son feeling sick and saying he just wanted me.

No. I was lonelier, in a job I loathed. Now I'm happy and love being a sahm with my gorgeous dc. I still do most of the things I did before kids, just less often. I love dc so so much. I wish I'd had them a decade earlier and had more!

Many of the halcyon memories of pre-child life on here are a function of youth, I think. Pre-child is a time that, for the majority, you don't have huge responsibilities at work, your parents are healthy, your friends aren't paired off so you have more time to have fun with them. All those things go away as you age without kids.

I'm over 50 and don't have kids. (I did have a long and very difficult marriage.) My view is that, as you and your family age, real life comes for you whether you have kids or not. I did all the caregiving for my parents for many years because my sibling has a bunch of kids (and that was fine by me). I had all sorts of marital problems and that was extremely hard. In-law problems too, tons and tons of relentless baby pressure from both sides, I've been ill too. Then there's been a crushing paid workload, which there's no escape from since you can't very well be a SAHM without kids!

Nevertheless, I do think that being childless is easier, because of course you don't have small people that you have to feed and dress and take places every day, and get up at night for, and do laundry for, etc.

But the childfree life, as you age, is definitely not lying on the sofa and feeling blissful. That's youth, not childlessness. On Sundays, I was often batch-cooking for my dad, for example, as my mum died years before him and he just wasn't very good in the kitchen.

A lot of posters mention that their kids gave them a sense of purpose that they lacked before, but what happens when you have an empty nest? I think eventually, we all come face-to-face with that moment when we are not needed and we have to create our own purpose. It just comes later for parents than non-parents.

I have always wanted to do volunteer work, for example.

I was more carefree. I was less fulfilled. I don’t think I could have been happy to be childless forever.

I do think the happiest people are those who are childfree by choice.

I've done quite a lot, I think. And been what most people would regard as successful. But the bit that made me happiest was being a parent.

They're grown up now and I miss all of it. Yes, these days I enjoy time to myself and unpressured getting up in the morning and not having to think about what's for dinner. But I'd trade all that to have them around the place, at any age.

Then again, I see a lot of them, and when I'm not seeing them I know that they're out there in the world, living their lives with confidence and kindness and the expectation of being loved. And as that was my goal, I can't really wish them back here, even if I'd revel in it.

Was I happier? No!

My children have bought so much joy to my life, they make me happy every day!

Was I less tired? - yes!

Was I a bit more hedonistic and had more free time to do things I enjoy? - yes!

But the fun things I did before children just seem a bit shallow now. Like, they were important and I still do some of them now. But I guess everything pre-kids just feels a bit lacking something when I look back!

I'm so going to miss them when they eventually flee the nest :(

I think that’s true of wherever you find your ‘purpose’ though. Time keeps moving, life goes on.
You find your purpose through work, eventually you retire. You find your purpose through a hobby, but eventually you may struggle for time or health etc to do it. I volunteer at a food bank, due to decreasing donations a lot of our volunteers currently aren’t needed.
It’s one of beautiful and depressing things about life, it evolves and changes.

I was happy, but not happier. I can’t explain it really, I just feel content after DD. Obviously, there are bad days, but I don’t sweat over the stuff that used to seem massively important, like work. I suppose I feel settled for want of a better word.

I enjoyed my life at times before children and after children, and had hard times before children and after.

@BearyJBilge I think not sweating the small stuff just comes with getting older and developing a sense of perspective.

I'm happier with kids. But it might be that I'm now without husband

I was technically a child when I had my first child, I had 3 by the time I was 22 so I've never known adult life without a child. I suppose that's made it easier in a way? You can't miss what you've never had. I love being a mother, it is my one and only purpose in life.

No, I was lonely and unfulfilled despite going through the motions of a normal successful life. Abusive upbringing and no family/social support meant I felt very very alone, unloved and with nowhere for my love to go. Yes I could go out when I wanted and go to yoga and spend the afternoon in a hair salon and whatever else but I would never trade it.