Were you happier in your child free life?

[Kickingleavesaround]

Rare day alone today, remembering the peace, the slowness and doing whatever you wanted, long doh walks, laying on the sofa all afternoon watching what you wanted, trips to pubs or beach bars…adore my Dd, more than anything in the world, but I think I was happier then, in a different way, god life was so easy! I had no idea

No. I had all my kids in my 20s though and I can't really remember life before kids. I remember having more freedom but I think I'm happier and more secure now.

I definitely wasn't happier than I am now but when I had dd1, even though she was an angel child, I struggled with PND & felt very alone. But now both dds are grown up I feel absolutely blessed to have them but they've always been really easy kids. They probably make up for my shit childhood lol. Plus I don't know what else I'd do with my life or what my purpose would be if I didn't have kids

Yes and no. I was happier in lots of ways when I was only responsible for meeting my own needs - I was a million times healthier, and more energetic. I felt good about myself. That’s now a fond and distant memory. However, my children are generally an absolute source of joy. Their humour and developing perspectives, and just who they are is a massive blessing in my life, so I wouldn’t do my life differently if I could go back. Having children has cost me a lot in terms of mental and physical health, and of course financially.

The thing is, everyone’s circumstances are different - lots of people say it gets easier as they get older, but it’s been the opposite for our family. Some people have masses of support, and others have none. I think access to community hugely impacts experiences of parenting, as well as the nature and character and neurobiology of the children you have, none of which can be expected or planned for. Some people face redundancy, homelessness or abuse, and others don’t.

Personally, I’m a better person since having my children. Being their parent has developed my character in ways I don’t believe would have happened otherwise.

Depends what day you catch me on. Today I have tonsillitis with a very energetic 3 year old and a 5 week old baby so I’d happily take a one way plane ticket to Australia at this moment in time.

in all seriousness I look at the longer term benefits of having children and getting through the hard bit while they’re young. It’ll ger easier.

Not happier but different and, of course, I was much younger then (my only child is 45 this week, just been speaking on phone). I enjoyed the childhood and the teenage years but of course it was nice to have a child-free day sometimes. As your children grow, you will have more. These are different phases of life and each has its benefits. For me now it is being retired :-). Though I really loved going to work, enjoyed running a house and being a parent, I do appreciate not having the stresses and angst, feeling cosy and secure. I hope you are having a good time and will have many more.

I don't think you can compare as bringing up kids is a journey of a couple of decades. I have been a parent for 21 years. If I hadn't had children I have no idea how my life would look and how happy I'd be.

I was fairly happy before kids and I'm fairly happy now but there gave been some hideous times in between but not necessarily relating to motherhood.

We are human beings. Happiness is not our natural state.

Ask me 10 years ago and I'd say I was happier before. Except, I was a bit bored and far too focused on work.

I found small children very hard, but I was also working full time so I constantly felt stretched thin.

I have made some great friends through the kids and have had some of the best times with them. So in that way, kids have enriched my life. I feel more rooted in the local community, which as an incomer, I didn't feel before. And that matters to me.

Currently I'm working, as per at the weekend, and the kids are in their rooms. Dh is pottering about. Iife is full but manageable and i have as much freedom as i want, because the kids are older. We are content. Although financially, we'd be much better off without kids!

I wouldn't have been happier if id chosen not to have kids, because I'd have always wondered:"what if...?"

not really although I was much unhappier and way more stressed for the first few years due to PND. Now much happier vs before. it's not easy though.

No. I was happy then and I'm happy now. I have more worries now, maybe, but overall I'm happy with kids and I was happy without them.

Comparison is the thief of joy though - and I think that often includes comparing your own life at different stages. I could have spent my single childless years desperately wanting to be at a stage of life where children were an option. I could spend my time now missing lie-ins, or whatever. But there's good bits and bad bits at any stage of life.

I didn’t have my kids until later in life, 30’s& 40’s.

I wasn’t ready until then. I was busy building my career, travelling, renovating our house, having enormous fun with my dh.

Loved those days, was very happy.

Then I was ready. So I thought.

What I didn’t expect was how all consuming parenthood would be. Day & night.
I struggled hugely. Not really sure how I survived it. It was miserable for the most part.

Im lucky though. DH is a very very hands on parent, far better than I am. That meant I could have time to “recover” each day.

As a very introvert, quiet and need peace, it didn’t particularly make me “happy”.

It's a funny one. I was thinking about this the other day. So I don't think I was happier but I was a lot more relaxed and less stressed. My dc are teenagers now so whilst I'm not constantly seeing to their needs I am always worried about them - I worry about their school work, when they are out with friends, their mental health, I have anxiety so it might just be me but I can't see it ever getting any easier.

Before I had kids I was probably 50:50 happy:bored. These days I'm probably 50:50 happy:exhausted/stressed!

I wasn't happier then. I was happy then, and I'm happy now. There are pros and cons to both sides really. I do think eventually I personally would have become bored and unfulfilled on a philosophical level with a child free life, but equally I could have been overall happy on a day to day level.

Before I had kids, I did have a lot of spare alone time that I didn't feel I was using productively and I had periods of being bored. Whereas now it's the other extreme where I don't have any free time to loaf about doing nothing (as I prioritise using my free time to see friends, do self care etc). I can't say that either extreme is ideal, but also neither makes me unhappy per se.

I can only speak for myself, just as you can only speak for yourself. Maybe joy is more identifiable via juxtaposition, for example someone who works in a shop doesn’t really have a career to leave behind, meaning they feel like they have traded up by becoming a parent . Someone more successful may feel very differently. That’s before we discuss the shitty bottoms, circular conversations and afternoons spent in vile soft plays - listening to the feral cry of the under 7s. Oh the joy!

I am the same as you, I enjoyed my exciting career, freedom, holidays, house renovations, and have found/do find parenting very stifling, repetitive and boring. We only have one and that is just about manageable. I love my DD dearly, but would I have kids if I could make the decision again? No, probably not.

I am more tired, but definitely more happy.

I have a great partner though, who is a very hands on parent and we don't struggle financially and are healthy! So I think we are very lucky. But it is definitely not easy (especially sleep deprivation).

God yes! I miss so much going where I want, seeing who I wanted, eating what I want, spending all my money on myself - on holidays, clothes, socialising, books, nights out, fancy restaurants, gigs, live music! Plus sleeping in, watching what I want on tv, minimal housework but a spotless and orderly home! 😩

I wasn't unhappy before children so I wouldn't say I'm happier after having them. But life was definitely much more stable and predictable before children. That all went out the window when the children arrived. The ups and downs are extreme and there is no peace from it really. No stillness. Tis a rollercoaster. I wouldn't not want my children, but it would have been great to still have those feelings of stability and predictability like before. 😭

That’s fair enough, I’m not trying deny others their joy. Personally, I had a higher quality of life, living in a central London flat that we owned, doing whatever took our fancy. Having a child created a sequence of decisions that I would never have made without that responsibility in mind.

Absolutely not. I was bored and had no sense of purpose in my life. I didn’t really have any free time then either, at least not guilt free. I was expected to spend every hour available working for a job I hated where nobody appreciated me and I was treated horribly. Now I’m a SAHM which is something I always wanted and I spend all my time looking after my lovely little boy. Yes it’s hard sometimes but it’s a thousand times better than my life before.

Happier!

I was very happy before and I can see how relaxed and easy it all was but I didn't have the joy and sense of purpose and achievement that I do now.

My life pre-kids was very rewarding, thanks @80smonster. Good career, good income, flexibility to travel regularly, good social life. I wasn't filling some sad life with kids. I wanted to have children and introduce them to this whole amazing world that we get to live in. More fool you if you waste it at the soft play.

I've no idea, I had my daughter at 16 so I've never experienced being an adult without also having a child. She's alright though.

I don't really understand why we need so many of these "who has it better/worse" threads amongst women. We're our own worst enemies when it comes to in-fighting sometimes, even some of the responses on this thread are just fucking nasty, both towards the childfree and parents.

I would say I'm at my happiest now - kids all grown and independent. Their teenage years are a close second. I definitely wasn't happier before children.