Were you happier in your child free life?

[Kickingleavesaround]

Rare day alone today, remembering the peace, the slowness and doing whatever you wanted, long doh walks, laying on the sofa all afternoon watching what you wanted, trips to pubs or beach bars…adore my Dd, more than anything in the world, but I think I was happier then, in a different way, god life was so easy! I had no idea

Absolutely not.

I am very happy being a mother and would never change it for the world. (2 DC in their 20s now.)

I was happy child free - but am just as happy as a mother.

Inexplicably, you can do the vast majority of things WITH children as you did before you had them. Some people just look for problems I think. You don't say how old your daughter is, but it sounds like you're struggling to adapt to life as a mother.

TBH, I have always felt more trapped by pets than I ever have by children. I mean I have always loved my pets and don't regret having them, but yeah, I have felt that they're more of a tie than children in some ways.....

.

Granted I'm only a year in, and everyone lives to smugly say just you wait, but no I'm happier now. Much happier actually. Wasn't unhappy before either.

Nor should it be.

Striving for happiness leads to unhappiness!

I’m much happier now I have kids. Life is harder and I’m much more tired than I was pre-kids but they are amazing and nothing compares to that love you have for your kids and knowing they love you too, completely different to anything else. I wouldn’t change my life with them for anything. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done.

Where on earth is that little gem from? So 'humans should not be happy?!'

And this one..

@Swivelhead · Today 14:02

We are human beings. Happiness is not our natural state.

What drivel

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I have enjoyed moving through the phases of my life. So whilst I was happy pre-children, I don't think I would have enjoyed that lifestyle forever, loved the toddler years but glad they didn't last long, now enjoying teenagers, also thinking of things I'd like to do when they fly the nest.

For many child rearing isn’t a particularly international experience? That doesn’t mean people won’t enjoy it, it just means I don’t. One can only give their own outlook and opinion, I am not saying I am right and you are wrong. I am able to make this judgement based on my life alone, not yours or anyone else’s.

Yes but objectively this (for me) is not about my lovely child but rather the situation I have been left in. Completely solo parent, work FT, no support at all from man who made me pregnant, no local family.

My child is delightful but I cannot deny that sometimes I feel a little desperate at the thought of another weekend one on one with a child. Financial it is really tough and I feel like I (as an individual) left the building several years ago.

Pp wasn't saying that no one can be fully grown up unless they have kids, just that she herself wasn’t fully grown up until she had her kids. That’s a perfectly valid experience and one that many people experience. It’s the same for me, I grew up a lot when I had kids and I probably wouldn’t have done had I not had them. You shouldn’t take offense at others experiences.

And yet your first paragraph contains a prime example of the sort of attitude still prevalent about not having children. I realise you are only talking about yourself, but believe me, this is one of the many criticisms we do, in fact, still hear if we don't have children. We aren't grown up, we don't have a purpose, we aren't of value.

I am by no means anti-family. I am anti being seen as 'less than' because I don't have children. If I hadn't experienced it, I wouldn't have believed it either. I don't get it so much now that I am past childbearing age, but I was definitely treated as though there was something 'wrong' with me.

Child free women are more vocal now. Women with children feel more able to say that it's hard and even that they wish they had made different choices. It seems 'anti-family' but I think there's just more honesty about the reality of family life.

It would be better if we weren't still hearing that we are without value/purpose/maturity if we don't have kids. That is changing, and as it does, you might see fewer people taking up a defensive position which comes across as an attack on family life. We are still getting used to the relatively new idea that it's OK to be child free .

And yet your first paragraph contains a prime example of the sort of attitude still prevalent about not having children. I realise you are only talking about yourself, but believe me, this is one of the many criticisms we do, in fact, still hear if we don't have children. We aren't grown up, we don't have a purpose, we aren't of value

Should she pretend that this is not true for her so it's not accidentally considered material that might support somebody else's prejudice?

I find it hard to compare. Having kids changed me completely. I'm a different person now, so what constitutes happiness now is not the same.

Both versions were/are happy.

Why all the posts under different guises attacking the childfree! Its ridiculous

No.i had a different sort of fun yes, but my kids totally enrich my life, they bring me joy.

Its a different sort of relaxation lying on the sofa watching tv with a happy child snuggling into you, even if it means its Bluey on tv. For me it's better, fuller, more complete.

No but I was with an abusive man. Having DS opened my eyes and gave me the push to leave him. Now my life is amazing. DP and I used to have child free time when DS was at his dad's but now we have DS2 we don't. Sometimes I miss that time but we simultaneously had family life and single life and we chose family life. So we're clearly happier as a family. Doesn't mean we don't enjoy the time off when we get it.

What I didn’t expect was how all consuming parenthood would be. Day & night.
I struggled hugely. Not really sure how I survived it. It was miserable for the most part.
Im lucky though. DH is a very very hands on parent, far better than I am. That meant I could have time to “recover” each day.
As a very introvert, quiet and need peace, it didn’t particularly make me “happy”.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon

I'm also the same, happier before, but then again I haven't had it easy with my children.

Domestic violence, then single mother to two boys with ADHD. Joy? Not much of that. It felt so incredibly stifling that I thought I'd lose my mind for about a decade. And the overstimulating from the constant requests, fighting, defiance, the dumming down, the financial worries and isolation. Hell on earth.
I'm still trying to recover. Now have one still at home and lots of trouble that I'm sure hasn't ended yet as he's only early teens. It's brutal, but you are hardly allowed to mention it.

OP, perhaps it's because we weren't allowed to mention it, and now are allowed, at least on the Internet, that more people are talking about it. Many women were/are silent martyrs because they would be shamed if they spoke up.

Don't forget that the 'traditional family' is a highly unnatural state for humans to live in.

No, and nowhere have I said she should pretend anything. I am simply pointing out that there are criticisms still levied at child free women and many of those criticisms run along those lines, in answer to the statement she made that child free women weren't criticised much.

No I wasn't happier. I may have enjoyed laying on the couch on Sundays more if I knew what was ahead of me but the kids completed me. They gave my life I meaning that wasn't there before.

I adore mine and would have them again tomorrow.

But I massively underestimated how much work they are and how tiring!

I wasn't happier before DCs came along. I mean I was happy enough playing the dating game, working, going shopping and spending whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. Going to the beach for the entire day with friends, bicycling around on my days off, meeting the man who would become my DH which was fun but I always knew I wanted kids, and I have never looked back. I'm still enjoying my kids, they're funny, helpful, loving, intelligent and kind.

I am much happier since becoming a parent to my surprise. Up until my 30s I never wanted any.

There were things I liked about life before but I felt very empty a lot of the time. Like "is this it?" sort of thing. On paper I was happy with the different parts of my life and I did spend time doing things I enjoyed but I was constantly searching for why I didn't feel fulfilled.

Since becoming a parent I have this real sense of inner peace and contentment. Things are harder now but I feel a much deeper kind of happiness.

That's not to say all people without children would feel that way or should have children. Lots of people are childfree without any sort of empty feelings obviously. It's just how things were for me.

I think you need to stop taking this thread or any of the opinions personally. My experience does not overwrite your, nor yours mine. I gave soft play as an example as I absolutely loathe it, but there are loads of other similarly everyday child-focussed activities I could have listed. I find them all similarly brain numbing, that doesn’t mean you must agree. There are rewarding elements of parenting, like showing them the world, but there’s also acres of drudgery.

I have a DS but agree that saying you didn’t grow up until you had children does imply you don’t grow up until you have them. It is offensive and untrue. It all reinforces the idea that the right or better path is the one with children

I've spent some time thinking about this recently as we've been going through a hellish toddler phase. And no. I wasn't happier. I was freer, but that freedom had no value because I knew no different. We went away for a child free holiday earlier this year for two weeks. At first it was amazing. Two days before we went home we were more than ready to resume parent life. I remind myself often that once they're grown we can go for all the meals we like, have all the lie ins we like and go away as often as we like. For now, we'll enjoy this life we're living.

I don’t know adult life without children. I was pregnant at 16 & had my eldest just after I turned 17 with next to no help regards to any family/friends to babysit on occasions. Even up until now me & DP have probably had 4/5 evenings out in the last 5 years & that was just a few hours, I can’t tell you the last time we had a child free night or day.

I can’t say whether I would have been happier or not as I am happy now & this is all I know & I love my children & would move the earth & more for them. My youngest is 3 & what I do look forward to is finding who I am, I’m 31 now & no idea what I like or who I am outside of parenthood. I only ever feel like mum, I look forward to me & DP being us again, not just mum & dad, us as the couple not us as the parents if that makes sense.