To not invite sister to social gathering

[NoSourDough]

I’m a group leader in a hobby that I created in our local village after moving here around 2 years ago. Group is going very well and we are having our first social gathering outside of the weekly “practice” this Xmas.

My mother and sister relocated to my area this year (we all relocated around 2 hours from original home town).

My mother joined my group and took up the hobby as a bid to learn a new skill and make new friends, was out of her comfort zone but she did it and she enjoys it.

My sister was invited (on a few occasions) to join the group but she suffers with low confidence and declined the invitation, even though the joining of this all female group would allow her to make new local friends in the community. She has been living here now for 6 months and hasn’t made a friend yet.

Back to our Xmas plans, my mother has taken it upon herself to invite my sister to the groups social event. I’m not happy about this. My sister is not part of the hobby group. It’s a Xmas social for the group - not outsiders to be added on. As group leader, she should have asked me first.

AIBU - should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people or keep it in the group, as I’m not sure it would be fair on the others and I would not be happy if they invited a non-member to the Xmas social.

OP she's your sister, not an 'outsider'. It would be a great way for her to meet people.

Thank you, I don’t want to be too harsh but also want to be fair on the other members of the group.

I'm sure they'll love to meet her.

Do you not get on with your sister?
I can't really imagine this being a problem unless a massive drip feed is going to be that she will spoil it in some way.

She's not an 'outsider' and it's a friendly village hobby club, everyone would be happy to have one extra there that's not attended before due to low confidence. It sounds fine for the club and good for your sister.

For goodness sake what nonsense.

"should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people"

Of course you should!

You've made yourself come across like a character in a comedy sketch show.

Do you carry a clipboard at all?

No drip feed, she’s lovely. Only my own frustration in that I’ve asked her so many times to come along to the group to meet people and she says no but that’s probably more my problem than hers. Maybe this is a good way for her to meet them on reflection. That’s what I posted as I didn’t want to be unreasonable.

Perhaps if your sister enjoys the social event she may join the group

Now you’ve made me laugh out loud….no - although…had to have one last week (I’m a teacher) - but a lot more laid back then this probably comes across 😂

Are you in high school?

Given you say your sister suffers from low confidence, didn't join the group when invited and hasn't made any friends is it likely she will even accept the invitation from your mother? It sounds as if she would probably struggle with the social event and wouldn't even want to come along.
Tbh you come over as being judgemental of your sister. She sounds as though she has social anxiety and that is a very isolating condition. Good on your DM for trying to help her. I think it's a bit unpleasant that you don't want to " allow" her to come to the Christmas social.

Actually I think that if the group is nicely formed and social then it's really 50-50 whether it's a good idea to invite anybody who isn't in the group to the social. If the person is good at talking to people and reading the room and expressing interest in others, then it could be great. But if the newcomer is shy and you're the one who ends up sitting next to this person who you don't know, trying to make conversation, when you're out on your group's social, it could be annoying.

So basically if she comes she needs to put some effort in. Otherwise she'd be far better off coming to the hobby meetings when there's at least the hobby to be getting on either.

Btw could you teach her the hobby so she could join the group and not feel like she'd not know as much as everybody else, as well as not being particularly social? It might help.

I probably would think wtf if I went out with my hobby group and there was a random there and I can see why you are worried. If I was part of the group and brought random members of my family everyone would think I was batshit crazy. I would ask/inform everyone first. Can everyone bring someone?

Thank you for those giving balanced views - that’s exactly my point. If one of the group suddenly wants to bring her boyfriend I will have to say no but how can I if my sister is there?

I guess my frustration is that if only she just came along once or twice to the group and then came to the social.

As long as everyone can bring someone it is okay, they may also have sisters who they have been wanting to come to the group but haven't persuaded, so may feel put out if yours still gets to come along for a social but they have to attend alone.

Are partners/spouses invited to the event or is it a no plus one thing? If they are, your sister can be your mum’s plus one. Hopefully she will start to meet people.

If your sister is going to come to the hobby group before Christmas to try it then I don't see a problem in her coming along.

If it's the sort of event that anyone could bring a +1 to, it's not a problem, she's your mum's +1.

If it's something like a Christmas meal in a restaurant for only people who attend, no, it would be weird for your sister to come.

Why would you have to say no? It's a social event for a hobby, it's meant to be fun. Chill out!

If it's group members only then it's members only and she can't come. I get social anxiety and I would hate it if it was going to a group thing where I thought I would feel safe only for a total random to be there, plus if you let her go then you should let everyone bring an extra person and then it's really not a group thing at all.

Your mum is out of order and shouldn't have invited someone from outside the group.

It’s for group members only. For context, it’s a meal so can’t have too many as there is already quite a few of us. This is the situation I’m in now, my mum has asked her and I’ve said it’s group members only.

But if she had joined the group the restaurant could've fitted her in?

That makes no sense.

Maybe tell her she can come if there's room then?

But you could get new members join before Christmas anyway so it could busier?

Is she likely to feel more confident in joining the group if she meets them socially first so it's more like her first session really?

Inviting your sister to an all female group is not like bringing a boyfriend because then it's not all female, someone bringing a sister or other female friend or relative would be the same. And, again, if it was a way for them to preliminary meet the group then it's not really that weird.

And you say it's a hobby group, not like something with paid membership.

Sometimes the best way to woo new members into a group is at a social event.
Of course your sister should feel welcome, but I agree your mother should have checked with you first as the organizer.

If she's shy, I'd imagine that a sit down meal where everyone else knows each other and has a common interest that she doesn't share is probably her idea of hell.

So if someone wants to invite a boyfriend and the restaurant has room say yes, if no say you are sorry but the restaurant is now full but he's welcome next time. It's simple