To not invite sister to social gathering

[NoSourDough]

I’m a group leader in a hobby that I created in our local village after moving here around 2 years ago. Group is going very well and we are having our first social gathering outside of the weekly “practice” this Xmas.

My mother and sister relocated to my area this year (we all relocated around 2 hours from original home town).

My mother joined my group and took up the hobby as a bid to learn a new skill and make new friends, was out of her comfort zone but she did it and she enjoys it.

My sister was invited (on a few occasions) to join the group but she suffers with low confidence and declined the invitation, even though the joining of this all female group would allow her to make new local friends in the community. She has been living here now for 6 months and hasn’t made a friend yet.

Back to our Xmas plans, my mother has taken it upon herself to invite my sister to the groups social event. I’m not happy about this. My sister is not part of the hobby group. It’s a Xmas social for the group - not outsiders to be added on. As group leader, she should have asked me first.

AIBU - should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people or keep it in the group, as I’m not sure it would be fair on the others and I would not be happy if they invited a non-member to the Xmas social.

I can't understand some of these earlier replies

It's a group activity so why would your mum think it's ok to invite someone not in the group

If your sister wants you to chi one , she joins the group

I'd be pissed off. She's not a random to you, but she is to everyone else in the group

Actually it's really high handed of your mum to be so presumptuous

if it was something informal like drinks at the local pub then yes she could come, on the basis that any other group members can also bring friends/family

but you've said it is something with a specific number of places (e.g. table booked in small restaurant), then no, it's not fair, and I can imagine the other people would be a bit annoyed, even more so as you're the group leader, your mum already comes and now your sister, who none of them know is rocking up as well - they might start thinking 'is this a hobby group or OP's family reunion.'

If your sister is too shy to come along to a group meeting when both her sister and mum will be there why would she even want to come to a night out? Usually the meeting would be a better way to meet people because there is structure and something to talk about, just meeting and chatting at a restaurant or pub would be more intimidating, I would think.

Could you go to the restaurant just the group and then say 'we'll prob go to the pub after, sister (and anyone else's plus 1's) are welcome to meet us there?'

When is the event? Is there time for her to join up (apologies If I missed it), then if she refuses to join she doesn’t get to go to the dinner?

It's bizarre that there are still people posting who don't understand that at a members only event, where plus-ones aren't invited, the leader bringing her sister along is simply wrong.

It doesn't matter how nice it would be for this shy sister. In fact it would actually make the experience more difficult for her, because the rest of the group would be looking at her and muttering about the unfairness.

Exactly this

Thanks everyone. To answer some questions, she does have time to join up before the event in December.

It’s a lifestyle group - think in terms of spirituality (under that umbrella!). So we have many experiences and stories to talk about during our meal, that happen inside our weekly hobby that only group members would be party too.

I shall work on her and ask her to come along (for the third or fourth time of trying!).

I’ve also decided to arrange a different social event with a few key ladies that I know she will get on with to build friendships with.

To those having a moan calling me a “jobsworth” - I’m trying to be fair to my group members. Being “in charge” hasn’t gone to my head, this is an area that I’ve been practicing for many years and I created the group from nothing and built a lovely group. I just want everyone to enjoy the first group social!

It's a community group, not a cult. Invite your sister

That's not the point of the social - it's for people who already know each other

There could easily be 'open' events next year to encourage others to come along

Trouble is @NoSourDough there could well be family fallout if you disinvite

Have you had words with your mother?

Why would they?

Not yet, going to call her later

You're right. I was thinking how I'd like to meet her if I was in the group. How it wouldn't bother me if the leader's mum invited her daughter. But this is MN. My mistake.

I actually am a bit surprised at these responses, in my mind it wouldn’t be ‘fair’ to invite your sister as she isn’t a group member when it’s not an option for other group members to bring ‘extras’ who aren’t in the group. It could create bad feeling within what is a nice group for you.

So because the OP's mother has overstepped, the OP has to change the plans which presumably the rest of the group had agreed to?

You think that's ok?

I think it would be great if she actually came to the activity - to which she has been invited

But the 'do' has been arranged and it isn't for +1s whoever they are.

I think its bad form for a leader / leaders family to invite someone to a social, if no one else has been told they can invite a +1. Its a hobby social not a general social. I think you will have to say to everyone else that if they have someone that might be interested in joining the group, they are welcome to ask them along to the social. Or say to your sister that she can't come. Otherwise it looks like one rule for your mum and another rule for everyone else.

Plus from your sisters point of view I'd think it was easier to join in with the hobby (where there is a defined end time and a purpose to the meet up) rather than a more unstructured social with people talking about more random things

If the sister is struggling to meet friends… she can join the group!!

its totally not cool OP to have your random family members there if they are not in the group. I’d be pissed off unless she’s made some attempt to attend sessions beforehand.

if sister is too shy or lazy or whatever to join the group, she’s too shy to impose herself on a group for their fun social

My first thought was “let her come “, but I’d be a bit annoyed if we had a group event and the leader brought her non member family with her because it’s a group event. Plus if your sister has not felt able or willing to join the group why would she want to come and what would she have in common with everyone else? So no.

”This is MN” - we’re still trotting out that hoary old cliche, are we?

I’ve enjoyed meeting friend’s siblings before; one has become a good friend in her own right. What I would not have enjoyed is having a friend’s sibling sprung on me at an event where the rest of us had agreed we weren’t bringing guests.

It's presumably not a military operation. I imagine it's quite informal, it's meant to be a nice social occasion. It wouldn't bother me at all if someone invited their sister. But you're right, lots of people are very uptight.

It’s nothing to do with being “uptight”. It’s the fact that the others in the group don’t have the option to bring guests, so it isn’t fair for OP and her mother to do it.

To me that's upright. Ferociously sticking to the rules, not making allowances as though it's against the law. Someone invites their daughter to a social; it's not something that would bother me. But we're all different.

But you’re still missing the point that no one else will have this option.

I understand that one more person should not be too difficult to manage. I have no idea how many have already said they would like to come, but let's say 10. If people hear that the OPs sister has been invited along then if they all say I want to bring my mum/sister as well you could end up with 20 people. Can the restaurant accommodate that? Is the OP then going to have to look for another venue?

No, sorry. Members only. This is why I steer clear of organising stuff. There is always someone who buggers up the arrangements making extra work. And they never offer to take over organising either.

That's what 'allowances' are. It's subjective, I wouldn't mind if someone did that. I probably wouldn't want everyone to bring someone as that may dilute the event but I'd happily make an exception. We can only judge from our own perspectives.

But surely you can understand that not everyone will share that perspective? Especially as you yourself say you wouldn’t want everyone to do it?