To not invite sister to social gathering

[NoSourDough]

I’m a group leader in a hobby that I created in our local village after moving here around 2 years ago. Group is going very well and we are having our first social gathering outside of the weekly “practice” this Xmas.

My mother and sister relocated to my area this year (we all relocated around 2 hours from original home town).

My mother joined my group and took up the hobby as a bid to learn a new skill and make new friends, was out of her comfort zone but she did it and she enjoys it.

My sister was invited (on a few occasions) to join the group but she suffers with low confidence and declined the invitation, even though the joining of this all female group would allow her to make new local friends in the community. She has been living here now for 6 months and hasn’t made a friend yet.

Back to our Xmas plans, my mother has taken it upon herself to invite my sister to the groups social event. I’m not happy about this. My sister is not part of the hobby group. It’s a Xmas social for the group - not outsiders to be added on. As group leader, she should have asked me first.

AIBU - should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people or keep it in the group, as I’m not sure it would be fair on the others and I would not be happy if they invited a non-member to the Xmas social.

It would be mean spirited if she wasn't invited to the group, but she is welcome to attend.

Maybe choose a different venue and everyone can invite a ‘+1’ if they want? I’m guessing it would awkward for your sister to know that she’s the only person present who isn’t part of the group..

I’m surprised at some of the early replies saying “Awwh, don’t be mean; it’s your sister!” and all this business. Can people really not see how it will come across if the OP, who is running the group, has said no plus ones, but makes an exception to let her mother bring her other daughter? It will start to feel like the OP’s family meal out where she’s graciously letting others attend! (And yes, I DO know her mother is a genuine member of the group. It’s still going to look shit if the group leader’s mother is allowed to bring a guest, but common or garden members can’t.)

OP - hopefully your sister won’t even want to go, given that she doesn’t want to join the group. But I still think you need to put your foot down with your mother. Point out that others in the group may have sisters, cousins, friends etc. who they think would benefit from being a bit more sociable - does that mean they should all be allowed to come along too?

The suggestion from another poster earlier about some more casual “feel free to invite anyone who might fancy trying out the hobby” drinks at a later date is a good one.

I was going to say if your sister is going you should make it clear to everyone that it's "plus one" and your mum has chosen your sister as her "plus one".

Or, you treat it as a social/prospective new participants meet-up and have a separate Xmas meal for the existing group.

As you've already made the plans I agree be firm with your mum and sister but suggest /organise a "prospective new members social/plus ones" which your sister can come to.

She's much more likely to form friendships doing an activity than just going to a random Xmas meal anyway.

It makes perfect sense. If the group was bigger, OP would have booked a bigger table or chosen a different venue. Even now, while it would probably be easy enough to fit in one more person, what happens when the group members start saying, “Oh, well if we can invite non-members, can I book a place for my sister/neighbour/old school friend too?” Suddenly you’ve got to replan the whole thing.

Why are you assuming people will have a problem with it?

Maybe they wont. If anyone does, maybe explain you are hoping your sister would join the group but she's shy and this might encourage her to do so?

Most people would see this as a kindness and not be petty, at least I hope so!

I went to my hobby’s social event last night and plus ones were welcome. But if that isn’t the case with your do then could you maybe compromise and have the meal but then head somewhere for drinks after where partners/plus ones are invited? Might make sense to do it that way around so that you can have hobby chats over dinner and then others join after to broaden out the invitation list and the discussions? It was actually really nice meeting other people’s friends/relations/partners last night as it gave a bit more of a window into everyone’s world outside of our hobby. Was lovely.

I think you're being a bit jobsworth OP. You want your sister to have friends, join the group and gain confidence. The fact that she's agreed to go on the social is a big step in that direction and may well lead to the outcome you want. Seems daft to be taking umbridge that she's not part of the group (yet) and you're in charge so it was YOUR decision and so forth. Big picture time.

You sound like your biggest beef is that your authority as group leader has been undermined, are you insecure and need to assert yourself, your upset that you you weren’t asked first before your sister was invited feels like it’s the biggest issue for you…

I can't imagine your thought process. Your sister is lovely, your mum is a part of the group and your very first thought is to create a post about her? How do you go from that to this?

The rules need to be the same for everyone.

If people are allowed to bring a guest, then let her come.

If it’s for members only (which it is), then don’t let her come.

It doesn’t matter that she’s family.

You don’t get to break the rules, as that’s not fair on everyone else.

I’m shocked that any of these posters think it should be one rule for you and another rule for everyone else.

I completely agree with you OP.

The sister isn’t part of the group.

The social event is for group members only.

None of the members are allowed to bring a plus 1.
It doesn’t matter how lovely their DH’s or friends are, it’s for group members only.

I’ve been to plenty of Xmas work dos where it’s staff only and it’s not a plus 1 event.

The OP has already said that wouldn't be possible due to limited numbers.

My WI group often organises social events and it's the same. You can't just invite someone outside of the group just because they're related to the person in charge

But other members might be in the same boat too ie have friends or family members who they would like to join but haven't yet but aren't allowed to invite them to the social

Social anxiety can be crippling and not something your sister 'chooses', maybe getting her to the Xmas gathering will give her the confidence to join the group in the new year? I'd not stress about it and see it as a good thing. She may well fuck out closer to the time anyway

In hobby group socials it's either group members only, or bring your OH (sister in this case), which totally changes the dynamic because you've got men there and you end up talking about planning regs, IME. Two separate events is the way to go, with DSis invited to the other one.

Well they might I suppose, but I'd say the odds of multiple group members having a friend or family member who lacks confidence to have joined the group to date and would benefit from a soft introduction of a social would be low. However in the unlikely event of this being the case, the OP could include them too if room, on a first come first served basis.

I can see where you're coming from as you'd be put in a difficult position if other members wanted to invite 'outsiders' too and if you weren't the group leader, you'd have to ask the leader if your sister could come and they'd probably say no I'd imagine.

Your mum shouldn't have invited her but I'm also wondering if your sister would even want to go as she's not confident enough to join the actual group.
I'd be suggesting she attends for a week or two now to see what she thinks and then it's not a problem. I mean, you and your mum are there, so it's not like she doesn't know anyone!

Yes the chances are low but it's not fair that the group leader gets to invite an outsider, regardless of the reason, when everyone else isn't allowed

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If other group members aren't able to bring partners/siblings/parents/children (adult or otherwise), then why would your sister be there?

There might be men at the social/group anyway, that's irrelevant

If sister wanted to meet this group wouldn't she have done so by now?

Your mum could arrange her own thing & take your sister!

I'm thinking if your sister has been too shy to go to the group (where there would be a focus/distraction of the actual activity) it would be surprising if she felt comfortable going to a social event where she doesn't know most people and where the activity itself won't feature.

Maybe if she does come it will give her an intro into the group though.

I can see what you mean about members only. It feels like you have organised a members only event but changed the dynamic only for a member of your family. You could open it up by saying +1s are welcome but again it's a big dynamic shift from what people have signed up for. I think I'd be mildly annoyed with my mum too because she's put you in that position. Chances are the group won't mind at all but you might have the niggling feeling that they might just think you/ your mum are being a bit CF.

Back to original point ... she probably won't come!

I think the only way she should come is if she joins the group or you tell people that she is joining in the next term

It's tricky, what if everyone else in the group turns up with one extra person? You wouldn't be able to refuse for fear of being accused of nepotism. Does your Mum expect this special treatment at all her social groups or just the ones you run?

This isn't that different to dumping all your kids on someone hosting a bday party which is always frowned upon on MN.